I can change them… Enough love and understanding will change him or her. If I try hard enough. I have seen enough to know it might, may, possibly, or perhaps could happen but at what cost?
Ah, I can hear you now – “I am not abused”. It’s quite possible that you are right or you are wrong. I didn’t believe it. It took a skilled, trained and experienced individual to help me realize it. I didn’t want to believe it. The key item he told me that got through to me was, “if it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t”.
I want to share something I believe – you can’t change them, they however can change you. They can rip pieces from you and destroy them forever, but hey its love and if you didn’t love them, a little sacrifice is worth it. But how much is too much?
Oh, let’s try couple’s counseling or maybe he/she will go to counseling – this on the surface is a great idea. It looks like your partner is committed to a change. But let’s remember these individuals are masters at manipulation and control, even trained professionals have a hard time with them. I’ll bet when you were in couples counseling it comes out to be your fault. If you were a little more understanding and a lot more giving this wouldn’t happen.
Confused? Because at each counseling session or different counseling sessions – it looks like everything is your fault. You begin to wonder if it’s your entire fault but here is the key. Unless your controlling, abusive partner is willing to admit their culpability in this – it’s never going to come up and they are going to hide it. Only you will see their behavior for what it really is. They are masters at picking the right place and time for the abuse, no witnesses and who is going to believe you? All the counselors said it was your fault in the first place.
So the steps and I am no professional, I only speak from personal experience.
1. Tension building stage – over time, walking carefully, you realize that he or she is building up to something. In the back of your mind you realize it’s been too long, they haven’t released their anger and it’s bound to happen. No matter how careful you are, you are going to do something that sets them off.
2. The Abusive Incident – they explode. Its interesting, in my case, she always waited until nobody else was around including the children. The fight was exhausting for me, tearing down everything as she cried, screamed and yelled for hours.
3. The manipulation stage – she apologizes. I learned to hate this stage and I refused her apologies. Full of I’m “sorries” and you didn’t deserve that. This went on for years – years. The human mind can only take so much, I often felt like I was the only outlet for her anger, every slight she had suffered, abusive from her parents came down on me. I did encourage her to go to counseling but it never worked. There was always a problem with the counselor, then I realized no counselor would ever work for her and none ever did.
So if you think to change the situation, to change the other person, think of everything else too. The children will suffer too. The situation may be beyond your experience and capabilities. What will it take? Will be 10 years later and everything is still the same before you realize?
rainMaker 
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