I am faced with one of those moments that have the opportunity to define me and seriously impact those around me. The choice will seem obvious once you know the details. I have been divorced for a while now well over a year. Most articles I read tell you that the first year is the hardest for being divorced. The first year you have to spend time and redefine who and what you are. You can no longer be defined as a couple, no longer make those couple decisions. Of course, there is the emotional baggage that goes with it as well. That’s why most of us in the know (those of us that are divorced and have been for while) stay away from the recently divorced.
Getting involved with the recently divorce (less than 1 year) is like being invited to a train wreck. There you stand on the precipice examining the mile long wreck with the recently divorced waving to you from somewhere in the wreck. The problem with being invited in to the newly divorced is you get the complete tour of the wreck. There is a need when you are first divorced to spew forth the litany of half-truths, broken promises or explain in detail that emotional wasteland they find themselves in. I know, I have been there. You don’t even realize you are doing it but you are. The issue for those of us in the know (by us, I mean those individuals savvy about the divorce process), we know it takes time and energy to move on. Being involved with you means we end up as your emotional crutch and we are only a stopping point.
Now as cruel as that sounds, the newly divorce either want to retreat from life or sample all the little delectable’s that went by – that you had to ignore when you were married. I just don’t want to be a way station as you move on with your life. Yes, you could argue you want something more but you would be lying and probably don’t even know it because you need time to figure out who you are. You can’t make any type of commitment until you clean up the train wreckage and even then there will probably still be a few cars left that will follow you around for a while.
Enough with the soapbox and back to the problem sitting with me. As I mentioned in past blogs, my ex-wife is an abuser. She uses such tools as intimidation and manipulation to get her own way. Oh, and she has a terrible temper, yelling and screaming and jumping up and down. You could say, that I am making this up and god I wish it were so but I am not. Interesting if you ever confronted her, she would be the sweetest kindest person you ever met. She has an incredible ability to hide that part of herself when people are looking.
After reading the book “Why people do bad things?”, I think I have maybe a better handle on what’s going on with her. I don’t believe she has multiple personalities because this would show up in much more severe ways. No, what I believe is that she isn’t a whole individual. There is a darker shadow in all of us we keep carefully locked away. If you never examine this side of yourself (and some of us never do or are afraid of the outcome) this side can popup all by itself. This helps to explain why some normally decent people do horrible things (such as steal money). The weaker the outside persona the more likely this dark side will pop up. So my ex-wife for years growing up, played housemaid to her parents, as the eldest, she was responsible for changing diapers, making dinner and the like. Basically she didn’t have a childhood and her personality was suppressed. I am not a professional so this is my best guess. This is in alignment with when I was married to her, some of our smallest arguments turned into huge fights with her. Over time, I realized I was getting the brunt of years of pent up rage from within her. Try telling her that.
So, when we were in court, she swore in court, she needed all this money from me to stay at home and take care of the children. I called her a liar as when I lived with her, I did all the cooking and shared the household duties and she worked at her job all the time – sometimes 80 hours a week. Well, the court system being what it is, the judge didn’t believe me. So in the past several months, I have seen my own children warning they wanted to commit suicide instead of the life they have with her. Why the children would want to commit suicide is a mystery to my ex-wife but is quite clear to me. She is doing what was done to her. My ex-wife completely suppresses the children. There is little to no love in that house. No opinion except those in alignment with her own are allowed. Screaming and ranting from my ex-wife is the way she runs that house. Oh please, tell me I am making this up and just saying this because I hate my ex-wife. I would love to be wrong, so totally wrong, but I am not, the signs are all there. Now after the children have threatened suicide what does my ex do but leave town for week long trips for her pitiful job.
This is beyond my experience and capability. My ex is a master of manipulating the moments. She can paint such pictures with words you cannot NOT believe her. That is the part of her that scares me the most. When I go to report this to the authorities she will believe I am doing this to get her but nothing can be further from the truth. But this one place, on this blog, I can express my feelings about this without worry about retribution. I do this for my children and damn the consequences – bring it bitch, let’s have at it, I am fighting for them, not you or me anymore….
