I am not sure why I even made the attempt. The feedback or response was so vicious and direct, I realized that my attempt was a failure. My ex and I were going around on a few topics. I reached the point where I attempted to explain my position which was basically I had to pay Maintenance Enforcement or I would lose what little freedoms I enjoyed (suspension of my license, jail time – you now minor things like that). Actually I was feeling frustrated by all her demands and wanted to explain my position.
“Your email makes no sense and neither do you.” Was her response back to me when I tried to explain my priority was to pay maintenance enforcement. And really when I thought about it why would she care? Her standard of living was excellent. In ensuring my children received their support – she automatically upped hers. She makes $40,000 a year in a city where the cost of living is much high. Combined with what I pay her, she tops above $100,000 – why would she care? I could be eating beans out of a can warmed over a city grate for all she knew.
What I found interesting about this situation is the change in her character. This was not the person I originally married. She always claimed to be a highly religious and very devout in her faith. A caring and compassionate person to all her friends and colleagues. What happened was I left her because I was tired of all the verbal and emotional abuse. In the end, as she has reminded me many times this was my decision. The hidden undertone of that statement is you made the decision and now you pay the price.
I can only chalk this up to be that I really didn’t know her – which for me was and is scary. I had spent a lot of time understanding her and thought I knew her. This part of her is vindictive and brutal almost like a complete alter-ego. When I went to therapy, the therapist explained to me that this wasn’t uncommon for this behaviour to exhibit itself. Which lead me to question – my ability to truly understand another person. Was there always another ego waiting in the dark recesses of someone to surprise me later?
This led me to do some research on this topic and I found a book (well many books on the topic). Not that everything can be explained by science but I needed a starting point. The book hypothesizes that all of us have other ego’s buried in our sub-conscious. The author suppositions that these other ego’s show up at different times in our life. Take for example the accountant working for a charity for 10 years and steals $300,000.00 from the charity. The author explains that this is the other ego surfacing.
Those of us who spend time examining the darker side of ourselves gain a better understanding of what motivates us. Most individuals ignore the darker side well, because, it is the darker side in all of us. Examining that side would bring up pain and hurt and we already have enough of that without pursuing it. This darker side typically shows up when we are under extreme stress or we have to make a significant choice that challenges our ethics. For instance, if you were struggling to eat, found a wallet with a $1000.00 in it. You decided that if the person could shove a thousand in their wallet then they had plenty of money and wouldn’t miss this amount. You use the money to buy food. This is called situational ethics and it’s not likely you would share this story with your friends because it would show a darker side to yourself you would rather stay hidden. However, the moralized payoff is that you now have a food on the table and nobody was hurt. So let’s take this example further.
During the divorce, governments and the court have decided the greatest interest shall be in the children thereby as the father your income or the ability to support yourself doesn’t matter. The soon-to-be ex-wife is given the tools and power to strip you of everything you have. This is a powerful motivator to appeal to the darker side of her and very few have the ability to resist it especially if she is told this is her right and she needs to pursue this. What rises up in the court is something I hadn’t seen in her before – a ruthless and vindictive individual capable of anything. This caught me off guard as I only wanted a 50/50 split. What I came to realize was I would lose.
It really didn’t matter what she had done to me. Short of killing me the courts don’t take actions such as emotional abuse into consideration. The fact she had trapped me many times in rooms and held my hostage doesn’t matter. That analytically side of me finds the process fascinating that this could occur while my emotional side was damaged by all this.
So in the end, I should have followed my therapist’s advice on this matter. Don’t respond to her. Explaining where you are coming from won’t matter. My therapist was correct on this matter.
