Into Extinction Day 126 (well now it’s fucked…)

 

I am faced with one of those moments that have the opportunity to define me and seriously impact those around me.  The choice will seem obvious once you know the details.  I have been divorced for a while now well over a year.  Most articles I read tell you that the first year is the hardest for being divorced.  The first year you have to spend time and redefine who and what you are.  You can no longer be defined as a couple, no longer make those couple decisions.  Of course, there is the emotional baggage that goes with it as well.  That’s why most of us in the know (those of us that are divorced and have been for while) stay away from the recently divorced. 

Getting involved with the recently divorce (less than 1 year) is like being invited to a train wreck.  There you stand on the precipice examining the mile long wreck with the recently divorced waving to you from somewhere in the wreck.  The problem with being invited in to the newly divorced is you get the complete tour of the wreck.  There is a need when you are first divorced to spew forth the litany of half-truths, broken promises or explain in detail that emotional wasteland they find themselves in.  I know, I have been there.  You don’t even realize you are doing it but you are.  The issue for those of us in the know (by us, I mean those individuals savvy about the divorce process), we know it takes time and energy to move on.  Being involved with you means we end up as your emotional crutch and we are only a stopping point.

Now as cruel as that sounds, the newly divorce either want to retreat from life or sample all the little delectable’s that went by – that you had to ignore when you were married.  I just don’t want to be a way station as you move on with your life.  Yes, you could argue you want something more but you would be lying and probably don’t even know it because you need time to figure out who you are.  You can’t make any type of commitment until you clean up the train wreckage and even then there will probably still be a few cars left that will follow you around for a while.      

Enough with the soapbox and back to the problem sitting with me.  As I mentioned in past blogs, my ex-wife is an abuser.  She uses such tools as intimidation and manipulation to get her own way.  Oh, and she has a terrible temper, yelling and screaming and jumping up and down.  You could say, that I am making this up and god I wish it were so but I am not.  Interesting if you ever confronted her, she would be the sweetest kindest person you ever met.  She has an incredible ability to hide that part of herself when people are looking.

After reading the book “Why people do bad things?”, I think I have maybe a better handle on what’s going on with her.  I don’t believe she has multiple personalities because this would show up in much more severe ways.  No, what I believe is that she isn’t a whole individual.  There is a darker shadow in all of us we keep carefully locked away.  If you never examine this side of yourself (and some of us never do or are afraid of the outcome) this side can popup all by itself.  This helps to explain why some normally decent people do horrible things (such as steal money).  The weaker the outside persona the more likely this dark side will pop up.  So my ex-wife for years growing up, played housemaid to her parents, as the eldest, she was responsible for changing diapers, making dinner and the like.  Basically she didn’t have a childhood and her personality was suppressed.  I am not a professional so this is my best guess.  This is in alignment with when I was married to her, some of our smallest arguments turned into huge fights with her.   Over time, I realized I was getting the brunt of years of pent up rage from within her.  Try telling her that. 

So, when we were in court, she swore in court, she needed all this money from me to stay at home and take care of the children.  I called her a liar as when I lived with her, I did all the cooking and shared the household duties and she worked at her job all the time – sometimes 80 hours a week.  Well, the court system being what it is, the judge didn’t believe me.  So in the past several months, I have seen my own children warning they wanted to commit suicide instead of the life they have with her.   Why the children would want to commit suicide is a mystery to my ex-wife but is quite clear to me.  She is doing what was done to her.  My ex-wife completely suppresses the children.  There is little to no love in that house.  No opinion except those in alignment with her own are allowed.  Screaming and ranting from my ex-wife is the way she runs that house.  Oh please, tell me I am making this up and just saying this because I hate my ex-wife.  I would love to be wrong, so totally wrong, but I am not, the signs are all there.  Now after the children have threatened suicide what does my ex do but leave town for week long trips for her pitiful job. 

This is beyond my experience and capability.  My ex is a master of manipulating the moments.  She can paint such pictures with words you cannot NOT believe her.  That is the part of her that scares me the most.  When I go to report this to the authorities she will believe I am doing this to get her but nothing can be further from the truth.  But this one place, on this blog, I can express my feelings about this without worry about retribution.   I do this for my children and damn the consequences – bring it bitch, let’s have at it, I am fighting for them, not you or me anymore….

Into Extinction Day 124 (ya, I wouldn’t really bother if I were you)

I am not sure why I even made the attempt.  The feedback or response was so vicious and direct, I realized that my attempt was a failure.  My ex and I were going around on a few topics.  I reached the point where I attempted to explain my position which was basically I had to pay Maintenance Enforcement or I would lose what little freedoms I enjoyed (suspension of my license, jail time – you now minor things like that).  Actually I was feeling frustrated by all her demands and wanted to explain my position.

“Your email makes no sense and neither do you.”  Was her response back to me when I tried to explain my priority was to pay maintenance enforcement.  And really when I thought about it why would she care?  Her standard of living was excellent.  In ensuring my children received their support – she automatically upped hers.  She makes $40,000 a year in a city where the cost of living is much high.  Combined with what I pay her, she tops above $100,000 – why would she care?  I could be eating beans out of a can warmed over a city grate for all she knew. 

What I found interesting about this situation is the change in her character.  This was not the person I originally married.  She always claimed to be a highly religious and very devout in her faith.  A caring and compassionate person to all her friends and colleagues.  What happened was I left her because I was tired of all the verbal and emotional abuse.  In the end, as she has reminded me many times this was my decision.  The hidden undertone of that statement is you made the decision and now you pay the price.

I can only chalk this up to be that I really didn’t know her – which for me was and is scary.  I had spent a lot of time understanding her and thought I knew her.  This part of her is vindictive and brutal almost like a complete alter-ego.  When I went to therapy, the therapist explained to me that this wasn’t uncommon for this behaviour to exhibit itself.   Which lead me to question – my ability to truly understand another person.  Was there always another ego waiting in the dark recesses of someone to surprise me later? 

This led me to do some research on this topic and I found a book (well many books on the topic).  Not that everything can be explained by science but I needed a starting point.  The book hypothesizes that all of us have other ego’s buried in our sub-conscious.  The author suppositions that these other ego’s show up at different times in our life.  Take for example the accountant working for a charity for 10 years and steals $300,000.00 from the charity.  The author explains that this is the other ego surfacing. 

Those of us who spend time examining the darker side of ourselves gain a better understanding of what motivates us.  Most individuals ignore the darker side well, because, it is the darker side in all of us.  Examining that side would bring up pain and hurt and we already have enough of that without pursuing it.   This darker side typically shows up when we are under extreme stress or we have to make a significant choice that challenges our ethics.  For instance, if you were struggling to eat, found a wallet with a $1000.00 in it.  You decided that if the person could shove a thousand in their wallet then they had plenty of money and wouldn’t miss this amount.  You use the money to buy food.  This is called situational ethics and it’s not likely you would share this story with your friends because it would show a darker side to yourself you would rather stay hidden.  However, the moralized payoff is that you now have a food on the table and nobody was hurt.  So let’s take this example further.

During the divorce, governments and the court have decided the greatest interest shall be in the children thereby as the father your income or the ability to support yourself doesn’t matter.  The soon-to-be ex-wife is given the tools and power to strip you of everything you have.  This is a powerful motivator to appeal to the darker side of her and very few have the ability to resist it especially if she is told this is her right and she needs to pursue this.   What rises up in the court is something I hadn’t seen in her before – a ruthless and vindictive individual capable of anything.  This caught me off guard as I only wanted a 50/50 split.  What I came to realize was I would lose.

It really didn’t matter what she had done to me.  Short of killing me the courts don’t take actions such as emotional abuse into consideration.  The fact she had trapped me many times in rooms and held my hostage doesn’t matter.  That analytically side of me finds the process fascinating that this could occur while my emotional side was damaged by all this.

So in the end, I should have followed my therapist’s advice on this matter.  Don’t respond to her.  Explaining where you are coming from won’t matter.  My therapist was correct on this matter.

 

Into Extinction Day 123 (Survival of the fittest…)

 

 

As we are brought up to believe we live in a free and democratic society.   In a democracy there is a suppose to be a series of check and balances ensuring liberty, the rule of law and a balanced approach for all citizens.  This in turn ensures protection of the rights and freedoms of individuals.

 

Our rights in Canada are as follows:

·        Every citizen of Canada has the right to enter, remain in and leave Canada.

·        Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of the person and the right not to be deprived thereof except in accordance with the principles of fundamental justice.

·        Everyone has the right to be secure against unreasonable search or seizure.

·        Everyone has the right not to be subjected to any cruel and unusual treatment or punishment.

·        Every individual is equal before and under the law and has the right to the equal protection and equal benefit of the law without discrimination and, in particular, without discrimination based on race, national or ethnic origin, colour, religion, sex, age or mental or physical disability.

 

As you will find, being a divorced dad, these rights are amended significantly.  As follows:

·        Maintenance Enforcement, provincial governments and the federal government will seize your passport denying you right to leave Canada.

·        Your right to pursue life and liberty is also significantly reduced.  Your right to life disappears as a series of other rules come up with MEP.  These rights are the rights of other individuals superseding your own rights.   There is no commitment or guarantee or subsequent rules supporting you as an individual.  What I mean is, MEP will take everything away from you, leaving you with no means of income or support.  There is also no means of defending yourself has your means of defense like any democracy is based on your ability to hire a good lawyer.  This isn’t possible when MEP has claimed or frozen your accounts.  Further to the comments, there is no criminal charge, thereby denying your ability to fight this in criminal court.  Both provincial and federal have carefully constructed these additional rules avoiding rights that were supposed under the charter. 

·        When your basic rights have been infringed there is a section of the charter that applies, as follows:

o       Anyone whose rights or freedoms, as guaranteed by this Charter, have been infringed or denied may apply to a court of competent jurisdiction to obtain such remedy as the court considers appropriate and just in the circumstances.

However taking on a legal battle of this nature would require funds in the hundred’s of thousands to challenge precedence established by the government.  But these types of battles have been waged in history before however it takes monumental strength of character to pursue this avenue.  I believe that both provincial and federal governments are better on the following:

1.    You are too dumb to realize what has really happened.  A lot of the rules impose by MEP really require a criminal charge to truly be enforced.

2.    That you, like me lack the will to pursue and object.

3.    That the careful rationalization that anything we say as divorced dads against the system will be seen as a negative point of view and popular public opinion is against us.

Fundamentally, we are talking about a struggle of our basic rights as citizens of Canada versus popular public opinion quick to label us as deadbeats. 

·        To further support the government efforts, they will seize your property.   When is the last time the government seized property?  Well, you are put in the same class as a criminal because the government seizes properties, assets and money from criminally related activity.  Interesting.  Although we as divorced dads haven’t been charged anything,  we are treated like criminals however we have even less rights than criminals.   No wonder dads kills themselves and jump off of buildings.

·        Cruel and unusual treatment of the individual would be considered to restrict or remove rights of a group of individuals.  History has many examples of this occurring.  Individuals are identified as groups then systematically stripped of their identity.  What could be more damaging in Canada then to freeze your accounts and assets.  Have you tried going to the food bank?  It’s ironic because the food bank won’t give you food because you make too much money – you are denied the basic rights to life. 

 

All of the above actions are carefully hidden from public view and who would believe you anyway?  Any compliant on your part as a divorced dad would label you quickly as a deadbeat.  The rights of you as an individual are gone in this system.  It’s interesting that nobody is really complaining because this leaves the government to perform greater actions around this.  This is a warning, if the government could do this in this area – what’s to stop them from pursuing you?

Into Extinction Day 122 (Does someone’s actions dictate your response?)

 

If you have read any portions of my blog, you know it’s tough and difficult road.   I have whined and complained at great length about the injustice of everything.  So there is a temptation to withdraw from everything and focus just on your problems assuming your problems are the most significant around but I was reminded earlier in the previous week that this might not be the case.

I had finished a lengthy workout and I had parked beside an ESSO gas station trying to decide what to get to eat.  I was focused on what I wanted and I didn’t realize someone had crept up the my driver’s side window.  He rapped softly on my window and pulled me from my thoughts surprising me and annoying me at the same time.  He was thin to the point of emaciation.  He was wearing a dirty black jacket, cargo pants and filthy brown v-neck sweater underneath.  I could see each breath he took as I could clearly see his collar bones and ribs showing. 

Of course he wanted money.  I could see it in his eyes.  His teeth were brown and his face was dirty.  I didn’t feel repulsed by this individual just annoyed that he had pulled me away from my very important thoughts about dinner and the catastrophe that Maintenance Enforcement put me in.   I shook my head no before he even finished and his eyes met mine for a second.  My thoughts were pulled in his direction, I could see how easy it would be to give up and slip into the lower rungs of society, I wondered what circumstances had placed him there.   I watched him move away from my vehicle,  a slow and painful shuffle as he searched for others to ask for money.

I sat there as he disappeared around the corner and I was now thinking about him.  The easiest answer to not give him any money is because he would obviously use it for drugs or rob a liquor store but what if?  What if, he actually needed the money to buy food.  How many people would he ask before he had enough – hard work indeed.  

I had lost sight of him as he rounded the corner and still in my own thoughts I watched a group of teenagers with spiked hair and the “goth” look cross the street.  Like any adult with more experience I automatically wondered why they didn’t smarten up and get decent clothes and real jobs.  They crossed in front of me and disappeared around the same corner as the homeless man had.

I had made a decision by this point, to find that homeless guy and see if I couldn’t buy him a meal.  Starting my vehicle , I eased it around the corner.  About 30 feet down the alley, I saw the “Goths” meeting with the homeless guy.  I had assumed they would ignore him.  Instead as he approached the one girl and 3 guys, they smiled at him and listened to him.  I couldn’t hear the conversation but one of the teenagers put his hand on the homeless man’s shoulder and patted him.  They were all searching their pockets, pulling bits of change from their pocket and placing it his hand with smiles.  Interesting, that they had done something automatically that took thinking from me.  I waited for them to finish their exchange with him.  They continued to smile and talk to him like he was a human being.  This wasn’t a small poke for me but a reminder that even as bad as I thought things were for me, they could be worse for others.  At that moment, I knew I could have done better by this man.

They finished up with him and I drove up slowly to him and motioned him to come over.  He smiled and painfully limped over to my window.  “hi”, “hi”  “Can I buy you some dinner?”  “Oh man, that would be great, just great.”  He smiled, brown and yellowed teeth but I saw something different there.  Here was a single situation where I could make a difference.  He slide into my passenger seat.  “Wow, you have a great car.”  He was in my SUV Hybrid with GPS and stereo system and leather seats.  He was right, it was a very nice car.

I went over to the KFC and we went in together.  He looked at me waiting to speak first.  I could see the KFC employee looking at both of us with some interest as this was an unknown to her.  I told him “order anything you want.”  I could tell this stopped him dead in his tracks.  He looked at me in wonder and I could see tears forming in his eyes.  The tears were making tracks down his cheeks and I asked “what’s wrong?”  My first thought was that I offended him somehow.  He met my eyes.  “It’s been so long since anyone has been this good to me.”  He turned towards the counter.  The server was looking at him with distrust.  He ordered the 30 bucket chicken.  The server hesitated and I told her I would pay for it.  She rang it through as I pulled twenties from my wallet.  I was curious and I asked.

“What are you going to do with 30 pieces of chicken?”

“Oh, it’s for me and my buddies, we leave under some trees over by that bridge.”  He pointed vaguely in some direction.

Okay, here was an individual living from one moment to the next and his first thought was for his friends.  Ummm, wow – okay.  Never judge a person by their outside appearance was a significant slap in the face at that very moment.   

Into Extinction Day 121 (Being right sucks…)

 

 

“we have the ability to differ from right and wrong, some just choose to ignore it”  Alejandro Santillan – young

 

When I went to court and argued that my ex-wife didn’t really support or nurture the children I had placed many examples in front of the lawyers:

1.     She often worked late into the night and ignored the needs of the children including caring for them and even feeding them.

2.     She would leave them alone for hours at time.  They had to learn to fend for themselves.

3.     She used tactics such as yelling and screaming at them to control them.  Her temper would go off the deep end and she could do this for hours.

4.     I pulled up examples of her attending meetings and seminars in remote locations as examples.

In the end, the courts didn’t believe me and did not allow my examples as evidence.  My ex-wife counted with she was always there for the children and that’s why she needed as much money from me as possible.

 

I hate being right about this but I knew this from the very beginning of the case.  I knew deep down I was right about her.  That the abuse I received at her hands would continue with my children.  Part of the reason I stayed so far away from her was I couldn’t bear to watch what she would do – call it the coward’s way out.  I had tried my best to convince the world that maybe even a small part of what I said had a lot of truth behind me and I failed.  I came to the conclusion that the courts are more willing to believe the woman than the man.

 

And now, after so many months turning into years, it’s coming back to haunt me.  I have received several emails from my ex that my own children are threatening suicide.   It is incredibly painful to watch and hear this.  This isn’t a plea for suicide, my children are looking for attention and love they are not getting from her.  Where am I in all of this?   Ah, the excuses are long and many coming from me.  After 14 years of abuse from her, I cannot stand to even be in her presence.  I am repulsed by her and even her emails.  I want to yell and scream to the world that see – “I WAS FUCKING RIGHT ALL ALONG!  YOU DUMB STUPID FUCKING BASTARDS!”  I was right…  It just cost the welfare of my children, a huge price to pay.  This feels as helpless and fucked up as the day I tried to change this….

Into Extinction Day 120 (Stupid decisions we men make about women…)

 

 

 

 

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”  Albert Einstein

 

If you are looking for the federal guidelines around divorce, here is the link >>> http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/pad-rpad/res/divorce/index.html

 

I was reading an article on why confirmed bachelors don’t want to marry.  In asking these men why it was because they were afraid the marriage would eventually end in divorce and woman would take him for everything he had.  I am hard pressed to argue with this logical, here are some more links:

·        http://www.timesrecordnews.com/news/2008/jan/28/confirmed-bachelors/

·        http://dontmarry.wordpress.com/2007/05/02/views-of-a-40-something-confirmed-bachelor/

 

This site is even more brutal than anything I have posted: http://www.dont-marry.com/.  Some highlights from the article include:

·        The cost of proclaiming your undying love – speaking to the responsibility of the man to unconditionally support the woman after marriage.

·        Marriage can mean career slavery – working to support the woman.

·        If she stops working, she may never work again – accusing the wife hiding behind excuses not to work and…

o       “I’m busy with the housework”

o       “I can’t find a job”

o       “It doesn’t pay for me to work”

·        Even more unfair double standards that favour wives – such as cheating, the man is scum and the woman is a victim. 

·        “Stupid, Irresponsible” Men – portrayal of men in society.

·        Divorce – direct quote “Upon divorce, all assets accumulated during and prior to a marriage are subject to division.  It has become, simply put. a licence to steal.  Even if the woman has not worked in years, and has spent the intervening decade(s) shopping and lunching from 8am-3pm, she is entitled to half, or more, of everything the man worked for during the course of the marriage.  Is this fair?  How many people would ever agree to a job contract that stipulated that in the event of separation that one party would have to return 50% of the gross amount of everything in the pay packet?  No one in his or her right mind would knowingly sign such an agreement.  Yet Western Men unknowingly agree to the exact same insanity each time they sign their marriage contract!”

·        If you pamper your wife, it can be used against you – you have to support your ex-wife in the style she has become accustomed to.

 

My comments on the above article.

 

I am not against marriage, I believe some marriages will go the distance, however I do believe before you get married as a guy, you should know what’s going to happen if you ever untie the knot – that’s all. 

 

The article is extreme to me however it raises some excellent points:

1.     I did tell my ex to quit her job and look for something for fulfilling.  This was the end of me in court.  It was used to prove I should continue to support her.  I learned never be this nice – ever.  She even pulled up Christmas and birthday cards to prove her point.  She was seen as the victim and I was the nasty man that did this to her.  I will never tell anyone ever again to quit their job.

What’s interesting about this point is I claimed physical and verbal abuse from her which was disallowed in court.  I provided pages and pages of data that was not allowed.  It was extraordinarily frustrating at the time, I really wanted to scream at that woman judge.

2.     The career slavery comment in my case was basically correct.  I basically kept jobs to continue financial support for her.  This was never recognized in court, nor all the hundreds of hours of overtime I put in to support her, nope.

What did come in court was her supporting the children all the time.  It wasn’t mentioned I did all the cooking and half the cleaning.  I cooked for her and her family at special events and during the week for years.  Fascinating the astonishing bias of the court system.  This really didn’t matter but hers did, I quickly came to realization I would spend my entire case defending my actions not on the attack.  This always puts in you is a losing situation.

3.     If you pamper your wife it can be used against you – actually in my case it was used against me.  My ex-wife was frustrated with her current job as a salesperson.  She was making about $70 grand a year and with bonus it popped up to about $85 grand but she was very unhappy.  I responded to her but telling her to go find something she really enjoyed and I would support her.  This was a major mistake on my part. 

She eventually took a job at $40k a year, well below her ability to make money.  This killed me in court.  I argued she was working well below her ability to make significant income.  She has a degree and several certifications.  Once more, I was the bad guy and this action was not allowed in court.  The judge did say it would be nice if my ex found better work.  On the flip side, I have to work, every single day, or I lose everything – seems fair.

 

My point is I am not sure why a man would let or allow or however the decision is made – for a woman to stay at home.  By making this decision, you are telling her, the courts, the provincial and federal governments you are willing to support her for the rest of her life.  The longer she stays at home, the more her career skills atrophy, the larger the settlement becomes.  In this era of women seeking equal rights, this is one that men should be seeking – an equalization in the marriage.

Ah, ain’t entitlement grand?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Into Extinction Day 119 (Who is running this shit show…)

 

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 – 1968)

 

I have discussed the punitive measures placed by Maintenance Enforcement in past blogs, such measures as:

·        Canceling your driver’s license

·        Freezing your banks accounts.

·        Applying late fees or other fees on documents.

·        Federal garnishes any revenue from you income tax or wages.

·        Provincial garnishes from your job.

·        Seizing personal property.

·        Seizing any other assets such as RFP’s, companies or other assets declared or not declared.

·        Prison terms up to 3 years. 

 

I received a letter from Maintenance Enforcement last week stating a new policy on collections:

·        Their old policy was to apply a $25 charge to late payments.  This was charged even if you had an agreement to catch up with late payments.

·        The new policy is charging 4.50% per annual on late payments.  This is a dramatic change from the previous policy making it significantly more difficult to catch up with late payments.

 

After seeing this new policy from MEP, I was wondering why they would do this.  Are there a serious number of deadbeat dads running around, thumbing their noses at the system.  So I examined the evidence.  There are 97 deadbeat dads and 1 deadbeat mom (wait I can’t use deadbeat mom – I am sure she has an excuse the court would find acceptable).  This means based on 100,000 men paying (based on the Alberta Government’s own statistics) it’s about 0.097% of the entire fucking guys paying that are deadbeats.  This is less than 1% which would mean the current, fucked up, punitive, corrective, castigatory, disciplinary actions weren’t working?  Which fucked up civil service individual came up with this?

 

MEP reported they collected $190,000,000 in 2006 and 2007.  That would be $95,000,000 per year.  Let’s say there is a 10% default rate which I doubt it because I am sure nobody wants to face what would happen.  That would $9.5 million.  The new policy of interest charged would be $427,500.00 or collecting an additional $35,625 per month. 

 

The old policy would have allowed for approximately $25,000.00 per month based on MEP’s information.  This is an increase of 40% increase between the old policy and the new policy.  Holy Fuck!

 

My suggestion to Maintenance Enforcement is why don’t you take all of useless fucks out back and shot us?  I can’t think of why you would apply another kick to balls?  This is beyond me.  This smacks of a department and a ministry with no accountability.  My advice to you – run – to a different country now.