Into Extinction – Day 99 (Leaving and finding someone else)

Looking for a new relationship – now that the old one has blown up and taken little bits of you with it, its time to look for a new one, unless of course you happy being alone with a TV, a couple of plants and a pillow to caress at night.  Not that there is anything wrong with that however a loving a pillow over a longer period of time may require therapy and I wouldn’t bring the pillow along for the sessions.

 

The whole point of leaving the previous relationships is the following:

1.     You were unhappy.

2.     You found her cheating skanky ass in bed with someone else and that pretty much did it.

3.     You found someone else.

4.     You didn’t like to be smacked around every day.

5.     You didn’t like to be told you are worthless and lower than dog crap on a sunny day in the middle of a park.

6.     He/she stopped loving you.

7.     You stopped loving them.

8.     You moved on with your life and they were stuck where their were in Grade 10 Chemistry.

9.     He/she moved on and all you smell is fumes from the bus that took them there.

 

So you were unhappy.  If this is the length and depth you thought about it, you might be from the shallow end of the gene pool.  Why were you unhappy?  Does she nag you until you want to put a plastic bag over her head?  Is her strongest ambition is to see the DNA results on Jerry Springer cause she knows that cheating bastard is not the father?  Did she drink all your beer every day and you find her in a pool of her own vomit at the end of the day?  If you don’t know exactly and precisely why you unhappy you are just going to transfer this unhappiness onto the next bewildered victim.  Knowing why you unhappy is important because you can avoid this in your next relationship.

 

You found her cheating skanky ass in bed with someone else.  Doesn’t matter if it’s another female and you want pictures.  Of course, you can get around to forgiving her and continuing along with the relationship.  My personal opinion is this won’t work.  There is the little matter of trust.  It’s very hard and extraordinarily difficult to rebuild that kind of trust.   I know, I know you love her, but it will take years to re-build this and a lot of energy.   My advice – walk away… 

 

Okay, you found someone else.  You are a bad, bad person.  There my only judgment call.  If you found someone else think about it.  Was it really exciting to sneak around?  Was it thrilling to get to know somebody else?  Was it fantastic to keep the wife in the dark?  I am not making a judgment call here – not my business, however you might be depressed.  No, I am not making excuses for you to jump in bed with that stripper because you liked the way she handed that pole in the bar but you might be depressed.  A sign of depression is when someone looks for excitement in their world, somebody new to make them feel alive again.  Again, I am not condoning your behavior but you might want to seek professional help and you might want to bow out gracefully out the marriage.  I am also suggesting you don’t tell her you have had sex with someone else.  That is irreparable damage to her.  I am not thinking about your feelings at all on this one. 

 

You don’t like to be smacked around every day – well who does?  Smacking or any form of physical abuse is not okay.  If he or she blocks the doors from you leaving that’s just as bad because they are forcing a confrontation.  If you stay for the smackings because of kids and you have nowhere to go, in my opinion its just as much damage.  I know, its easy for me to say pick up and move on, but you have to.

 

You didn’t like to be told you are worthless and lower than dog crap on a sunny day in the middle of a park.  Ah, verbal abuse – very difficult to provide and leaves just as many scars as the physical abuse – see my posting on day 94 for details.

 

They stopped loving you.  You just become a stop in the middle of life once a day.  No real emotional connection.  Well, couples therapy might work but if you don’t understand why this happened you might never.  Remember it’s not entirely their fault, you own 50/50 on this one.  You could ask them why they stopped but I bet no real answer if forthcoming and why not?   Because if they really respected you and the relationship they would have already fessed up.

 

You stopped loving them.  At first, when they were clipping their toenails in bed that was cute now its disgusting.  At first, her going out 3 times a week with her friends including guy-friends didn’t bother you – you believed in the relationship, now there is nothing left.  At first, him farting under the blankets was something you could put up with, now you want to smother him with the pillow.  At first, her asking you every day if her breasts were okay was cute, now you are just annoyed, is not a good sign.  When, where and why you stopped loving them is important.  It says a lot about what you do and don’t want in a relationship and if you don’t understand this you will repeat this again and again.

 

You moved on with your life and they were stuck where their were in Grade 10 Chemistry.  Okay in the dating side, it was kinda cute when they wore their high school jacket everywhere.  Now he’s 40 pounds over and that hairy belly sticking out is just ridiculous.  Some people stop in life and that’s as far as they go or want to go.  You have to decide if this is enough or its time to burn the jacket and move on.

 

He/she moved on and all you smell is fumes from the bus that took them there.  She goes to book readings once a week and you would rather slit your wrists.  He moves from hockey to football and back to hockey every year and you want to slit his wrists.  By the way, there is nothing wrong with someone having a hobby or interest that doesn’t include you.  It is a problem when this is all that they are and you want to be beaten senseless whenever they bring it up.  This isn’t good. 

 

My point is, if you ready to leave the relationship, know why within yourself.  If you don’t you will repeat it.  Don’t leave the relationship for someone else, this might work out or you could find out that he sleeps with 2 great Danes and you and he loves the dogs more than you.  Leave and take a year for yourself.  I have said this before, you need a year before you crash someone else’s party and live alone.  Yes all alone, and if this scares you, why does it scare you?