Into Extinction – Day 98 (Fathers with no or little contact with the children - why?)
Why do some or the majority of fathers have little to no contact with their children? Why is this a mystery to the ex-wives? I am going to be blunt here; if the ex-wives understood the men in the first place they would understand why the men didn’t pursue relationships with the children. Of course, I am painting all ex-wives with the same brush but I have heard of and read great stories where both parents create a fantastic environment for the children. I applaud them. This is a very mature decision but a very rare decision – I hear most often that the father is not exercising their right to see the children.
My case like everyone else’s is unique to my situation. As I have stated in previous postings, mine included abuse. My therapist recommended I never see her again (and yes my therapist knew I have children). My therapist thought the damage was significant enough, I needed to move on but enough about me, lets discuss why men don’t see their children, as follows:
1. They (men) don’t give a damn. Men don’t have the direct emotional connection that women have with children. This seems to mystify most women – they can’t seem to grasp this concept. Men at the point of divorce see this as moment to move on and shake the dust of the old relationship off. Yes, I know there are children at stake here however re-read my first point at the beginning of the paragraph. Here is a more important question behind the first – why don’t men give a damn? They helped bring these children into the world. Probably because seeing the children is a reminder of the ex-wife and the failure behind that. I am betting most women may not understand this at all.
2. You (the ex-wife) rip him a new one in court. You win and pummel him into the ground. This is very easy to accomplish these days. You take out your vengeance and get the majority of his income. Something very satisfying about this isn’t there? However, for the man, it is one of the most crushing blows you could ever do. If you wanted to kill him, this is as close as you will ever come. Think about this, you win, but your children will lose. I hear you saying already, it’s the only way I can his money. There might be a better balance here, let things calm down and negotiate. If you decide to gut him anyways (on the advice of your lawyer of course), the children may never see him again or rarely. Yes I know this doesn’t make any sense to you.
3. It’s just too painful. Maybe he feels abused. I know you didn’t abuse him. But that may be the case. You might think he is making it up but in my case as it continued into years, there might be something there. Maybe you should think about therapy.
In the end, some men view the divorce as the divorcing of everything including the children. I didn’t say this would make sense. And if you the ex-wife choose to make this a more difficult, it makes it that much easier to cut ties with everything.
For instance, I would give my children presents on their birthday (I still do) and my ex-wife would send me past birthday or Christmas cards I sent to her. This is a mystery to me (maybe someone can explain it to me). All these cards every did, is remind me how she used these cards in court to nail me against the wall. Not a pleasant memory. So my conclusion on her sending the cards, is she doesn’t have a damn clue what really happened. Pity I suppose but I am not about to explain it to her, she is not good at empathizing with someone else.
