Into Extinction Day 118 (Signs you are whipped and beaten.)

 

 

“The riskiest year is the fourth year of marriage. In the first year of marriage, there are less than one divorce for every 1,000 marriages. After one year of marriage, there are 5.1 divorces for every 1,000 marriages in Canada. After two years of marriage, there are 17 divorces for every 1,000 marriages in Canada. After three years, there are 23.6 divorces for every 1,000 Canadian marriages. After four years, there are 25.5 divorces for every 1,000 Canadian marriages. After that, the chances of divorce decline slowly for each subsequent year of marriage.”  http://www.ottawadivorce.com/statistics.htm

 

Curious statistics and yes these are Canadian stats.  I was divorced after 13 or 14 years of marriage, I can’t remember because I stopped keeping track.

 

Top 10: Signs You’re Whipped (from askmen.com)

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10.                        Going for a beer requires permission – It’s not just going for a beer that requires her permission, so does every other trivial excursion. In the mind of your power-hungry girlfriend, going for a beer with your friends spells out trouble and, therefore, it’s heavily frowned upon. All of a sudden, you can’t even pop into a pub for a quick one at the end of the day without facing a barrage of harassment when you return home. Subsequently, you’ve stopped doing it to avoid the hassle that, for the record, makes you a spineless pansy. This is a big one boys, but our signs you’re whipped doesn’t end here.

9.     She makes your decisions for you – You question how you ever let it get to the point where she makes your decisions for you, but it’s true. In your protective prison/womb of a relationship you no longer really make anything more than minor life decisions for yourself. Somehow, she’s managed to grant herself a seat on the UN Security Council that is your life and she’s not afraid to wield her power of veto. As mandated by No. 9 of our signs you’re whipped, you have little or no say in the affairs that directly concern you, such as holiday destinations, major purchases or even plans for the weekend.

8.     You have a joint e-mail account – We all have friends who’ve fallen into the insane trap of sharing an e-mail account. You know the case: Buddy meets, dates and gets married to a dominant girl and, before you know it, you’re receiving e-mails that are signed by them both, but clearly written by her. This loss of independence is one of the clearest and most seemingly innocent signs you’re whipped by a woman. Certain prerogatives must be sacrificed in any serious relationship, of course, but don’t let her combine your personalities into one and do your speaking for you.

7.     You go home when she’s ready – There was a time when men would drink their fill and decide if it was time to go home or not. Things have certainly changed for you if you’re whipped — and not in any kind of progressive and mature way either. The decision to go home during a night of socializing is no longer yours when you’re whipped; now you wait for the “I’m ready” command and then rush off to get the coats and issue apologies to your friends (who, once you’ve left, just shake their heads and talk about your pathetic transformation). Your friends clearly recognize the signs that you’re whipped and they can’t understand why you allow it to continue.

6.     You have a different social group – When your friends are magically replaced with her friends, you can take it as one of the definite signs you’re whipped. It’s no longer acceptable for you to spend time with your old crew, so you find yourself looking for an acceptable substitute, which ends up being the boring boyfriend of one of her friends. You have simply lost touch with all your old friends and you can’t understand how it ever happened.

5.     She commits you to events – You might think your calendar of events is pretty open for the next few months, but little did you know how wrong you are as she has committed you to other events. In actuality, you’ve already been penciled into about a dozen boring affairs that are completely unbeknownst to you. The really sad thing is that she does it without your permission because she knows she doesn’t need it — since you display such clear signs you’re whipped.

4.     You constantly worry about her reaction – It’s a definite sign that you’re whipped when you get some piece of news (good or bad) and your thoughts immediately turn to how she will respond when she hears it. You don’t even consider how it affects you anymore, which is pretty weird when you think about it. When you walk through the door at the end of a day, you automatically start running through a list of things that have potentially made her angry and you brace yourself for her accusations and complaints.

3.     Your friends don’t even bother – On your average Friday afternoon you used to get several calls and even more text messages from friends wondering about your plans for the evening. Now you get nothing because everyone just assumes that you’ll be kept under lock and key all weekend, and the scary thing is they’ve given up trying to help you escape.

2.     What you once took for granted is now a victory – You’re whipped if your basic God-given rights, like killing a few beers and watching the game or other things you used to do regularly, have been usurped. Now, when you gain “permission” you feel like it’s your lucky day, even if it is tainted with the bitter knowledge that you’ll probably have to do something really annoying to pay her back for her so-called generosity.

1.     You’re no longer interesting, funny or desirable – Essentially, her power over you has managed to drain you of all your willpower and creativity. Often it’s the ego that gets hit hardest when a man has been whipped into submission. You know you’re acting like a chump and you begin to accept your dismal situation in order to spare yourself the embarrassment of dealing with it publicly. Over time you’ve been forced to water yourself down so much in the name of maturity and respectability — terms used to manipulate you — that you can no longer pretend to be of any use to anyone but your overbearing girlfriend.

 

This is a good list and although its sarcastic – it’s true.  Normally what happens when you are pussy-whipped it happens over a gradual period of time.  It doesn’t dawn on you until later in the relationship that when you look around the house you realize it’s all her stuff and you are just paying the rent.

 

 I was speaking to a 21-year old guy about women and he was apologizing about having a list of standards on what type of women he would go out with.  I stopped him right there dead in his tracks.  I told him, “It’s okay to have standards, it’s not shallow – you aren’t going to date every women you come across.  It’s important to know what you like and don’t like and even more important what are your boundaries.”

 

Further to list from askmen.com it is important to have a ground rules in a relationship and boundaries.  It could be a silly as don’t move stuff around in my bathroom to the much more serious don’t open my mail.  Some standard ground rules to think about:

1.     Don’t go snooping around my place, my computer or through my mail.   This has nothing to do with whether or not you are hiding anything (and if you are it’s your own business) it’s about respect for your space.  Lets face it if she is looking for something it says something more about your relationship.

2.     You are not a work in progress.  If she has a list of stuff she wants you to change for instance, get rid of all those t-shirts and buy some polo shirts.  Commentary is okay in this space but its clearly your decision on what you want to do.

3.     There is a significant list of do’s and don’ts around her family.   Substantial rules and required behavior around her family isn’t going to work.  Why not?  Come on its you and that should be enough.  Of course, some information is important for instance if her dad was in Afghanistan and that subject is taboo, this is completely okay.

4.     Everything you do requires approval.  Similar to the list from askmen.com however I would make one modification, she never gives her approval or she says she doesn’t mind however when you come home it’s the third degree.

5.     2 different religions.  Alright in the beginning this isn’t a huge issue but trust me it is.  She wants to form a cult and rise to the Hailey’s comet on the next passing and you idea of religion is excusing yourself to fart in private.  Doesn’t matter how hot she is – this should be a deal breaker.

6.     Her family hates the ground you walk on and made 2 attempts on your life.  Not good.  This one will never go away.  When you have a relationship with her, you have one with her family.  If they think you are a piece of shit, it’s a very long and hard road from there.

7.     She gets pregnant.  This friend is a huge one.  Trust is absolutely broken at this time.  Think about it – what kind of scheming had to go in this one?

8.     Those little twinges.  Just something sitting in the back of your mind.  Things don’t line up from her.  She says she was at her sister’s but you know that wasn’t the case.  Don’t leave this one alone, follow up and find out.

9.     Her sister and her mom hits on you.  Hopefully at different times and ewwww.  This is a no-win situation that no amount of explanation is going to help you. 

10.                        Compromise.   This is about the middle ground not her ground or yours but somewhere in the middle.  If she wins every single time, think about it. 

 

 

Into Extinction Day 117 (fuck – it could be worse – really.)

“Ignorant men don’t know what good they hold in their hands until they’ve flung it away.” – Sophocles – BC 495-406, Greek Tragic Poet

 

We (me included) have this way of thinking that our situation is unique and our own disaster is grander than anyone else’s.  Well I have good news and bad news.  The good news is yes your divorce is a disaster and the bad news is there others worse off than you.  Not to say you don’t rate but it could be worse.  Reading through the news….

·        A man married his love of 2 years only to have her die in his arms during their first dance.  Trumps both you and I (not that should be a contest).

·        The Inuit of the Northern Canada start with depressions almost as soon as they are born and this continues with the following in:

o       loss of culture;

o       lack of recognition;

o       poverty;

o       housing; and,

o       addictions.

You thought you had it bad but image being in a tiny isolated community with no opportunities, where suicides are common, drugs and addictions are the only way out.

·        You aren’t a quadriplegic (well I am assuming).

·        You don’t have aids.

·        Your ex isn’t out hunting you and trying to kill you off (once again I am assuming).

·        You aren’t Maxime Bernier – who is a single week saw his career go up in flames around him.  See this link if you have no idea what the fuck I am talking about >>> http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2008/05/28/security-bernier.html

·        Your own grow op has not been discovered by the police – cool.

·        You aren’t homeless (well once again I am assuming).  Having a shopping cart does count as a home.

·        You haven’t been stabbed waiting for a bus.

·        You weren’t impersonating a police officer or a gynecologist (or at least you weren’t caught).

·        You weren’t carjacked this week – maybe next week.

 

I am not trying to convince you that so many others are worse off than you are, just trying to get you to move forward with your life – that’s all.

Into Extinction Day 116 (Nobody said life owed you a living.)

“Tragedy, sadness, loneliness and despair taught me that life is really a beautiful thing; if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be able to recognize that anything was wrong” Greg Evans Suspense Novelist

 

If you ever met me, you would probably think here is guy that had everything handed to him.  Great childhood, his parents love him, sent to a great college or university, and everything set up.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

 

When I was much smaller, my parents drank a lot.  My mom was drunk a lot of the time and fought with my father.  These would be knock down – drag out fights.  In the early days, sometimes my mom won’t even come home.  She had found someone else to sleep with.

 

If you read previous blogs, you know my parents verbally and physically abused me.  My father smacked me around often, one right across my head to keep in line.  He used to smoke cigars and to make a particular point with me, he would get the cigar end red hot and glowing and then apply it to my hands, burning me.  My mom had a quick and ready hand for slapping me when I wasn’t moving fast enough to her liking.

 

As I got older and went to school, my parents never really found the time to go to concerts or plays.  In the beginning I would look out at the audience for them, they were never there, so I stopped looking.

 

By the time I was in Grade 7, I had learned to be self-sufficient.  My parents had stopped looking at my report cards or caring whether I passed a grade or not.  My older brother quit school in grade 7, my 2^nd youngest brother and older sister didn’t finish school but got their GED’s later in life.

 

 

So I had decided when I was 12 I didn’t like this life and I would pursue something more for myself.  I didn’t know why I made this decision at the time but I knew I wanted something more.  What was worse was I was totally unequipped to pursue anything better.

 

My success at life today is a matter of simply not wanting a life my parents had.  I was just smart enough to realize there had to something more.  They would spend their evenings in front of the television, smoking and eating.  It was my job to roll them more cigarettes and get them candy.  Funny, they never offered a chocolate bar to me.  I remember this clearly.

 

I left the day after I graduated high school, to never return.  Most people leaving home get home sick.  I never suffered from that.  Of course, being unprepared for the larger world, I made huge mistakes, like my marriage and other things.

 

I still wonder even today how I made it out of there.  I had everything against me.  Looking at my past you probably wouldn’t believe me – the stories I could tell you of abuse and neglect as a 5-year old child.  The number of times I went without lunch at school or the beatings at home.  I do believe we are the sum of our experiences and we can be better than what we are taught.  

 

 

 

 

 

Into Extinction Day 115 (Nothing is so fucked up as when she doesn’t listen.)

 

 

* Author’s note:  If you find extreme language and hostility a problem do not read this note. 

 

I have told my ex-wife for the past 3 years I wish no contact with her.  This has not stopped her from attempting to send me past Christmas or Birthday cards plus emails on a continual basis to me.  Personally, I find this so fucking frustrating about her and one of the reasons I left her.  She always believed there were no lines.  If she felt and believed that is was her due, she would cross the any line.  For example, when I was still married to her and seeing a therapist, she demanded to see his files on me.  I said it wasn’t possible but this didn’t stop her from cornering my therapist one day (she waited outside his office and then pounced on the poor fellow) and interrogated him for 45 minutes demanding to see my files.  It was beyond her understanding as to why she couldn’t see my files.

 

So, it continues to this day.  She sends me emails with trite little sayings or how I can be closer to god.  I can’t think of an individual I would like less discourse or interactions with.  She is the last person on this fucking planet I would want any type of advice from.

 

How Christian could this possible be?  When she used the courts, the government and her lawyers to fuck me over?  They managed to strip me of all my income and any significant assets I have.  What kind of fucked up world does my ex live in that she thinks everything is fine now?   The only thing this proves to me is how fucking far away is she from reality and the fantasy world she lives in.  When you get everything you want and strip the dignity from the other person it is easy to be gracious and smile as the other person struggles to move on. 

 

Sending me photos or cards is just a huge fucking reminder of what she did to me over the years.  The years of abuse, of yelling and screaming from her.  The constant interrogations of everything I did.  If you (the ex) should every read this, leave me the fuck alone.  I would rather be on the other side of the planet, in a war zone, with a suicide bomber, with the Koran strapped to my ass, up to my neck in goat shit than go through this again with you.  If I could and I had the means, I would disappear forever.  Your continued attempts at communication only prove to me you have no fucking idea what you did to me and that makes me angrier than I have been in my life and I don’t like to feel this way.   So pardon the expression but fuck off. 

Into Extinction Day 114 (Damn – this isn’t the first time.)

 

 

“Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it” – George Santayana quotes (Spanish born American Philosopher, Poet and Humanist who made important contributions to aesthetics, speculative philosophy and literary criticism. 1863-1952)

 

A history lesson:

·        A popular political policy began separating individuals from the state.

·        Certain government legislation that began segregation of certain individuals from the state – clearly identifying them as undesirable.

·        The population through identification and media began to mark these individuals.  Nobody from the general population made any attempt to stop state policy.

·        Property from identified individuals was seized from any infraction.

·        Over time discrimination and mistreatment continued to mount on a large scale.

·        These individuals were pushed to lower end of the economic scale by legislation, the government, the courts and the general population.

·        Eventually these individuals were seen as outcasts from general society and treated as such.  All were seen as the same and the dehumanization was almost complete.  These individuals were no longer people but objects, and the state began to imprison individuals for the slightest infraction.

·        These individuals were stripped of their property, their freedom and liberties.

·        Individuals carrying out orders from the state were normal people, Catholics and Protestants, the old and the young, people with double doctorates and poorly educated members of the working class all worked to separate these undesirables from the state. 

The current state of divorced fathers and treatment from Maintenance Enforcement:

Divorced fathers are clearly identified and tracked in the government system.

Legislation has been passed that allow the following:

·        Wage Support Deduction Notice (WSDN): MEP can require that employers make scheduled deductions from a debtor’s wages in order to fulfill support responsibilities. A support deduction notice requires an employer to send to MEP a maximum of 40 per cent of the debtor’s gross wages.

·        Non-Wage Support Deduction Notice (NWSDN): MEP can intercept monies payable to the debtor from bank accounts or other sources (e.g. mutual funds, rent or contract fees). NWSDNs are placed to satisfy outstanding arrears on maintenance accounts. They may be used to collect funds until the arrears are paid or satisfactory arrangements are made with MEP for alternative forms of payment.

·        Federal Support Deduction Notice (FSDN): These support deduction notices are issued in co-operation with the federal government and can attach funds that may be payable to the debtor from federal sources, such as income tax refunds, G.S.T. rebates, Canada Pension Plan income and Employment Insurance payments.

·        Writ at the Personal Property Registry: MEP can file a support order with the Personal Property Registry as a writ against the name of the debtor and/or any personal property that the debtor may own, such as recreational or other vehicles. Once a writ is filed, the debtor may be prevented from transferring clear title to any property he or she may wish to sell. The filing of a writ also allows MEP to seize assets, including vehicles and certain kinds of retirement savings plans, shares and bonds.

·        Motor Vehicle Restrictions: MEP may restrict the debtor’s access to motor vehicle services within the province of Alberta. These include vehicle registrations, licence plates, driver’s licences, abstracts and the issuance of identification.

·        Driver’s Licence Cancellations: MEP may cancel current driver’s licences for accounts more than sixty days in arrears. Advance warning to the debtor must first be provided.

·        Federal Licence Denial: Through co-operation with the federal government, MEP may restrict the issuing of federal licences, passports and permits. MEP can also cause an existing licence or passport to be revoked.

·        Default Hearing: MEP can summon defaulting debtors to court to explain why they have not complied with their support obligations. The court can send a debtor to jail for continued non-payment of maintenance.

·        Recreational Hunting and Fishing Licence Restrictions: MEP may restrict the issuance of provincial recreational hunting and fishing licenses to debtors with maintenance arrears.

·        Registration Against Real Property: In some circumstances, MEP may register the support order against a property at the Land Titles Registry and/or force sale of real estate. The registration can prevent the owner from re-mortgaging or selling the property without first making payment arrangements with MEP.

·        Credit Bureau Reporting: MEP can report a failure to pay child or spousal support to the Credit Bureau to be registered as a bad debt.

·        Piercing the Corporate Veil: Some debtors try to shelter or hide assets or income from MEP by keeping them in the name of a company. In these cases, MEP can apply for a court order allowing the company’s property or income to be applied towards the debtor’s maintenance debt.

·        Seizure: MEP may intercept a debtor’s assets (e.g. vehicles). Seized assets may be sold and applied towards a debtor’s maintenance arrears.

·        Seizure of Third-Party Assets: Some debtors may try to shelter or hide assets or income in someone else’s name to avoid collection by MEP. In these cases, MEP can apply for a court order allowing it to seize the sheltered assets or income.

 

These individuals are clearly marked by Maintenance Enforcement and the state through all means necessary including an enforced numbering system.  The general population has labeled divorced dads as deadbeat for any type of infraction.

 

The general population is unaware of the power of the state over the deadbeat dads and in most cases when the population is informed believes this is for the greater good. 

 

Deadbeat dads are pushed to the lower end of the economic scale and money is pulled from deadbeat dads until there is nothing left including personal property.  This is for the good of all regardless of the health and welfare of the father.

 

Maintenance Enforcement uses a numbered system to identify and dehumanize individuals in the system.

 

The system is staffed by regular people believing what they are doing is right and just.  They have no problem with enforcing swift and harsh justice as quickly as possible.  Individuals supporting the state and the state itself use what is called “situational ethics” where the end, justifies the means.  Thereby the use of significant force, power and the law are utilized to support the ex-wife and the children.  It is a moral argument of the moment without considering the consequences of such treatment on the father.  In fact the outcome to the father is generally ignored in all cases because if it was recognized would require a re-examination of the process.

 

Power and the law is given to the powerless (well it’s seen this way).  Individuals (ex-wives) are encouraged to use this power and the law over deadbeat dads.  Such a system sets up a long series of entitlements for the individual (ex-wife).  This leads the phrase:

 

“Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely.” – This arose as a quotation by John Emerich Edward Dalberg Acton, first Baron Acton (1834–1902).

 

As this type of power is extended to the individual and the individual is encourage to exercise the power, deadbeat dads are crucified by this process.   

Into Extinction Day 112 (Nice guys finish last.)

 

 

                                    Nice Guy Eddie: The chick got tired of him beatin’ her so one night she walks in the guys bedroom and super glues his dick to his belly. Ambulance came and had to cut the prick loose.
Mr. White: Was he all pissed off?
Nice Guy Eddie: How would you feel if every time you had to take a piss you had to do a fuckin’ hand stand? -  Reservoir Dogs 1992

 

If you are thinking that your divorce is going to be smooth sailing – well.  My advice is to stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.  Reading through some of the women’s articles (see this link >>> http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/article3283690.ece ) why would a man get married today?  I am amazed that some women seem to still think man-hunting is a good thing.  I would certainly give the single guy this type of advice -

 

The latest stats from Stats Canada show 37% of marriages in Canada end in divorce.   37% of men are going to face this situation is Canada and the current system favoring women.

 

If you knew now what you knew now about the system, lawyers, government and MEP would you still tie the knot?   I am not against marriage and love.  But if one day you found out your wife was making extra money as pole dancer down at Bootulious Big Bottoms or if you found out she gambled all your money away and was now thinking of selling one of your kidneys – you might want a divorce.  You think circumstances are on your side – truth is – you lose – enormously. 

 

Of course you could pursue a prenuptial agreement –

“A prenuptial agreement, antenuptial agreement, or premarital agreement, commonly abbreviated to prenup or prenupt, is a contract entered into by two people prior to marriage or civil union. The content of a prenuptial agreement can vary widely, but commonly includes provisions for the division of property should the couple divorce and any rights to spousal support during or after the dissolution of marriage.”

I strongly suggest this avenue.  Although popular media and culture has poked fun at this approach it’s the only thing that might save you ass.  I say might because even the courts might overturn it.

 

Even pictures of her infidelity probably won’t help you.  Neither will that DNA testing to prove that it wasn’t you that fathered 3 of your children will not help you (imagine if all 3 came from 3 different sources).  Maury did a great clip on this – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt2i0ts-uck.  

 

So even if she slid a knife between your ribs this is not going to help you.   Or she attempted to run you down with the SUV or layered your cookies with a little hydrocyanic acid or put a Poison dart frog in your bed it doesn’t really matter.

 

So I am not saying don’t get married, but as the marriage progresses and you change and she changes, what next?

Into Extinction Day 111 (Experience good or bad has some redeeming qualities)

 

 “Wolves which batten upon lambs, lambs consumed by wolves, the strong who immolate the weak, the weak victims of the strong: there you have Nature, there you have her intentions, there you have her scheme: a perpetual action and reaction, a host of vices, a host of virtues, in one word, a perfect equilibrium resulting from the equality of good and evil on earth.”  Marquis De Sade – 1740-1814, French Author

 

I was speaking to someone just starting out on her career earlier in the week.  I enjoyed talking to her and asking her about what happens next in her career and what are her aspirations. 

 

Being young and new to world (never tell them that they don’t want to hear it), untouched by disappointment or rejection or personal issues, she has a unique view on the rest of us.  We are tainted by disillusionment, broken promises and frustration.  As my therapist once said to me, “it’s those circumstances; those incidents which cause you the greatest pain come clear understanding.”  This young and new person was talking about her pursuits it was just nice and uncomplicated to see and hear that view.

 

There is no warning you can provide for those starting out.  Any warning you provide is seen as tainted with terrible memories which could only happen to you not to the new and untried.   Not to say you shouldn’t try but she is probably right, it will likely not happen to her as it happened to you.

 

“Experience increases our wisdom but doesn’t reduce our follies.”  Josh Billings – 1815-1885, American Humorist, Lecturer

 

Some of our experiences such as divorce demand we share with others if only to serve as a warning.  Other experiences will only be understand by you, no matter how hard you try to relate them to others. 

 

There is one thing these terrible memories can bring to us that cannot be seen by someone new.  I understand clearly what love is and cherish it.  I understand and hold on to those moments in life that I laughed with friends, shared a good meal, opened a present, watched the sunset or held the person I loved close to me.  Because of experience, you know those moments are fleeting so enjoy the moment for exactly what is and move on.

Into Extinction Day 110 (It’s your past that determines your future)

 

When we (or maybe it’s just me) go out and form bad relationships it’s not just a coincidence.  Whether you realize it or not you form relationships based on what was modeled during your childhood and the things that happened to you.  For example:

·        I was 5 years old and I loved pancakes.  Just the thought of a hot pancake and syrup was one of the small joys during my childhood.  I remember sitting there eating a 4 stack with my family.  My father had a really bad temper and I was chewing with my mouth open.  He asked me to stop but I didn’t exactly know what he was talking about and continued to eat my pancakes, reveling in each bite.

 

A minute later, I was on the floor and didn’t how I got there and my ears were ringing.  My father had used his open hand and smashed me on the side of my head.  I flew off the chair and hit the wall on the other side of the room.  I must have been unconscious for a few seconds as I couldn’t remember the exactly what happened right away.  There was blood down one side of my face and a few teeth were loose and my dad was glaring at me. “Don’t chew with your mouth open!”  After that I didn’t eat pancakes anymore.  It didn’t dawn on me until much later in life.   I hate pancakes but I remembered loving them as a kid, I connected the incident and realized what had happened.

 

·        My parents weren’t very good at feeding us.  I remember being hungry most of my childhood.  I got up in the middle of the night (I was seven) and padded out to the kitchen.  My stomach woke me up and the pain was too great to ignore.  There sitting in the fridge was one slice of apple pie.  We weren’t allowed to touch these things as this belonged to my father.  I couldn’t help myself as I picked up the pie and ate it.  The flaky crust with the sweet apples was like heaven to me.  I finished the entire slice as quickly as possible; I didn’t want to get caught.

 

The following morning, I was watching TV when my father got up.  He got into the kitchen and was looking through the fridge.  He roared out of the kitchen, slammed the TV off, “Who ate my fucking pie?”  He was pissed.  He lined up my older sister, brother and me – the youngest and started the interrogation.  “Who ate my pie?”  I didn’t want to get my siblings in trouble and I stepped forward and in a small voice “it was me”.

 

He grabbed me and swung me up and held me by my ankles, he stripped my clothes and started smashing me all over my body with his other free hand.  I couldn’t even cry at that moment.  He let me go and I hit the ground and I crawled under the table.  I spent the day under the table, naked and bleeding, it was my sister that coaxed me out.

 

·        When I first attended school and kindergarten, I would sit there and watch the other children, never trying anything.  I was mute and didn’t talk to anybody, years of abuse left me afraid of any adult.  I remember the teachers trying to get me talk or play but I was too afraid and I didn’t know how to play with other children.  My mother never let me out of the house as a child and didn’t let other children near me (to this day I don’t know why).

 

In today’s society, my behavior as a child would send alarm bells through the teacher, the school  and to social services but back then it was assumed I had some kind of mental handicap.  My behavior was reported to my mother which led to a one-sided conversation “what the fuck is wrong with you?”  I didn’t know what to so that wouldn’t end up with me getting clubbed over the head, so I learned that silence was the best option.

My point about the stories above is not to get anyone to pity or sympathize with me.  My point is if the only love we know as children comes through with violence that’s what we move towards as adults.  The only way I know of to break this cycle is to go to therapy.  Yes, professional help, think about it.

Into Extinction Day 109 (Wow, who knew that continually beating the snot out of men would produce such magnificent results.)

 

“The perfect no-stress environment is the grave. When we change our perception we gain control. The stress becomes a challenge, not a threat. When we commit to action, to actually doing something rather than feeling trapped by events, the stress in our life becomes manageable.”  Greg Anderson American Author of ”The 22 Non-Negotiable Laws of Wellness

 

If you are expecting some unknown miracle to come along and save you from your life, this is not likely to happen.  Divorce is like a repeated kick in the balls just when you get back up there is another swift kick waiting.  The point being that this is a traumatic event in your life and likely one of the most traumatic events in your life with the exception of the death of a loved one.

 

Here is an article of an interesting decision >>> http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20060620/scc_nofaultdivorce_060621/20060621?hub=TopStories

 

My point is not to depress but survive this and everything else will be minor in your life (with a few exceptions).  There is something to be said for losing everything – having been there – there is nothing anyone else can really say that can significantly stress you out.

 

I went looking the Maintenance Enforcement website for some emotional help or stress counseling or something.  Here is the MEP website.  http://www.justice.gov.ab.ca/mep/default.aspx

 

Doesn’t appear to be any help on the website but they do happily inform you of the following:

 

“MEP collected $190.7 million in court-ordered support payments in the 2006/07 fiscal year. Since MEP started in February 1986, over $2 billion has been collected on behalf of clients and their children.”

 

Wow, who knew that continually beating the snot out of men would produce such magnificent results.  They should publish these results in the paper to show how good they are.  Of course (tongue in cheek) perhaps they should publish the suicide rates along with these results.

 

 “The only justification for repressive institutions is material and cultural deficit. But such institutions, at certain stages of history, perpetuate and produce such a deficit, and even threaten human survival.”  Noam Chomsky 1928-, American Linguist, Political Activist

 

My advice is to find your own way through this.  It might be through a bottle (which I don’t recommend),

·        it might be through isolation,

·        it might be through moving across the planet,

·        it might be through friends,

·        it might be through a relationship,

·        it might be through ignoring everything,

·        it might be through letting go of everything,

·        it might be through going back to court,

·        it might be through building your own support network,

·        it might be through living well,

·        it might be through redefining yourself,

 

You chose, it won’t last forever even if it feels like it will. 

Into Extinction Day 108 (Life and Divorce is what you make it… No really.)

 

 

“Our life is not really a mutual helpfulness; but rather, it’s fair competition cloaked under due laws of war; it’s a mutual hostility.”  Thomas Carlyle  - 1795-1881, Scottish Philosopher, Author

 

In the terms of what happens as I have said before, “it’s not fair”.   The balance in divorce is there is no balance.  In everything I have learned the balance tips quickly.

 

“Civilization is drugs, alcohol, engines of war, prostitution, machines and ‘machine slaves, low wages, bad food, bad taste, prisons, reformatories, lunatic asylums, divorce, perversion, brutal sports, suicides, infanticide, cinema, quackery, demagogy, strikes, lockouts, revolutions, putsches, colonization, electric chairs, guillotines, sabotage, floods, famine, disease, gangsters, money barons, horse racing, fashion shows, poodle dogs, chow dogs, Siamese cats, condoms, peccaries, syphilis, gonorrhea, insanity, neuroses, etc., etc.” Henry Miller – 1891-1980, American Author

 

What are you going to do? 

 

“The essence of justice is mercy.” Edwin Hubbel Chapin 1814-1880, American Author, Clergyman

 

Offer mercy – acceptable certain inalienable truths –  such as:

·        the scales are not tipped in your favor,

·        harbor no resentment,

·        live your own life, not in dreams of vengeance in hers,

·        embrace reality – it’s okay to have dreams – but live in the now,

·        be spontaneous,

·        solve the problem move on,

·        use your experience, wisdom, knowledge, to help others,

·        accept yourself and others and remove prejudice,

·        do what you do and pursue fulfillment,

·        become what you are capable of becoming,

·        be unthreatened and un-frightened by the unknown,

·        reason, see the truth and know that truths change,

·        be logical and efficient but follow love (right GF),

·        accept the natural world,

·        see human nature as it is – a lack of crippling shame or guilt,

·        pursue enjoyment without shame or guilt,

·        build no unnecessary inhibitions,

·        create your thoughts and your impulses unhampered by convention,

·        your ethics are clear and autonomous,

·        pursue growth,

·        focus on your problems, and people outside of yourself – you are not the center of universe,

·        know your mission in life and apply energy,

·        be alone but not lonely,

·        be unflappable, have dignity amid everyone else confusion and personal misfortunate’s,

·        retain objectivity

·        be a self-starter, you reason for moving on is your own,

·        don’t stereotype people,

·        moment to moment living is fantastic, every moment is the best moment,

·        your vision can be a limitless horizon,

·        Identify, provide sympathy, and affection for those that really need it regardless if that individual is cruel or ugly or indifferent – your reasons are your own,

·        Share your love with a precious few,

·        Be humble and friends to anyone regardless of class, education, religion, political belief, race or color, your beliefs transcend the typical boundaries.

·        Be original, inventive, intrinsic, and sensitive to the situation

·        Know your imperfections and pursue growth,

·        become self-actualized (look it up – you will know what I mean)

 

I have said a lot of things on here, mostly tongue-in-cheek, what I really believe is the list above.  I am not saying I am this person just striving to be.

Into Extinction Day 107 (Revenge is a bitch – anonymous)

“The best revenge is massive success.” Frank Sinatra, 1915-, American Singer and Actor

 

How do you move on? Or why bother moving on because there is nothing left or it will be 3 to 4 years before any good can come of this.  Poking and prodding of friends isn’t going to help either – unless they have experienced the reaming your ex-wife and the justice system gave you – there is simply no comparison. 

 

Well, you could spend your time dreaming of revenge, common themes include:

1.     Winning the Super 7 or Lotto 649.  Using this money to crush her.  Nice dream, but is after all a dream.  Just imagine you hire a team of sharks that swoop in and crush her lawyer and her and the fucked up case they put together.

2.     Disappearing off the face of the planet.   This is my favorite.  Just removing yourself from the entire system and moving on.  I think the appeal is I get to still have a life and she gets a little of nothing.  The appeal is you could actually do this.  However leaving on the edge of the Amazon basin with Yanomani Indians eating the butts out of pigs may not be that appealing.

3.     Running her over with your SUV.  Some tips include, make sure you have a push-bar on the front of your SUV because you don’t want to ruin your paint job.  Make sure you pick a car wash or detail place that will get ride of the criminal evidence and for fucks sake have a good alibi – don’t think for a second the police won’t be CSI’ing your ass.   This thinking is bad!  And if anything were to actually happen to her, this thinking will probably get you into trouble.

4.     You prove she is a rat-faced, skanky, two-faced, skinny-ass loser.  Ah, there is nothing like destroying the life that destroyed yours.  Don’t sink too deep into this kind of thinking it will taint everyday for you.

5.     Everyone discovers what a loser, gold brick, shit-faced liar, slacker, loafer and failure she actually is.  It doesn’t change much except people realize you weren’t wrong.

6.     The government discovers what she is really doing with the money you are giving her.  They discover she is dropping the money into a long term investment for her retirement.  The government decides to fry her ass and it all becomes public.  Okay, this one is total fantasy, the likelihood of the government suddenly becoming competent is such a long shot, its better if you place your hopes in winning the lotto.

7.     She goes out with someone that takes her for every last dime she every made.   Strips her clean including those RRSP’s she has.  Nice to see someone get back some their own.  You spend the time dancing around and cavorting – might happen. 

8.     You arrange your fake death and she gets blamed.  This did show up in another one of my blogs.  As fun as this was or going to be, hello!  You are dead.  You can watch the trial from a distance but life will never be the same again.

9.     You become incredibly successful and she realizes that you never – ever needed her, she was a boat anchor or she was a skid mark on the underwear of life.  This one is a little healthier that the above scenarios – nothing like living well and beyond her means.

10.                         You find a soft, warm loving individual.  She smells great and best of all, she understands you.  She helps you through the tough times and she is great to snuggle with – this is one worth pursuing.

 

My point is, its okay to fantasize about what could happen just don’t like it drag you into it until there is nothing left of you.  This will be one of the most trying times of your life.  You have to make a decision –

 

“Andy Dufresne: “Get busy living, or get busy dying.”  The Shawshank Redemption 1994

So what’s it going to be?

Into Extinction Day 106 (don’t blame me, its his/her fault this all happened)

Reading through many blogs here on WordPress.com and other sites; the blogs teeter between depression, blame, holding onto the ex or God.  I have read blogs that lay out in minutia – detailing every wrong perpetrated by the other party.  Some examples include:

·        He makes sarcastic comments about me in public.

·        He only wants me for sex.

·        I waiting for her to make her mind about our marriage.

·        She is having dinner with a guy – their just friends.

and the list goes on… 

 

Of course there are those blogs on there preaching a return to god and a life of chastity.  I have no problem with God however its my business and praying to God does not release you from making a decision or moving forward. 

 

The general idea is as follows:

·        Definition: Intrinsic motivation refers to motivation that comes from inside an individual rather than from any external or outside rewards, such as money or grades.

·        Definition: Extrinsic motivation refers to motivation that comes from outside an individual. The motivating factors are external, or outside, rewards such as money or grades. These rewards provide satisfaction and pleasure that the task itself may not provide.

 

Extrinsic people will tend to lay of blame of most things around circumstances surrounding themselves.  Such as he called me an idiot or I am waiting for her decision whereas intrinsic individuals accept responsibility for their actions, make a decision and move on with their lives.  I rarely read a blog that does balance what is going or happening to themselves with their own actions.  What I mean is – if you stay and accept the action of her sleeping around you are enabling the situation.

 

 

The other strategy I see played throughout these blogs again and again is the “I am a victim”.  This is through writing blogs and conversations with others to manipulate feelings of sympathy thereby satisfying the need for personal power and control.  Wait, I am not labeling all complaining as a victim strategy just those that can’t seem to get beyond it and use this victim strategy in all cases to gain the sympathies of others.  Additional definition follows:

 

The self-defined, “Victim” writes his/her own history (along with keeping a now wary protective vigilance toward his/her future power structures by a practiced “marketing” of his/her “mistreatment” and/or “abuse.” Support garnered through such projections provide outside support during rejection, separation or divorce potentials and isolates the falsely labeled “Victimizer” in his/her life).

 

Often having been forced into an early abusive relationship as a child (where he/she had been a genuine victim), the underlying determination as an adult is a lesson learned; being “abused” provides outside sympathy and protective reaction within any life situation).

 

As is common with having been abused as a child, the past-abused child now becomes the adult abuser (within the self-defined “Victim” personality disorder, this adult is a stealth abuser).

 

The self-defined “Victim” is practiced in presenting facial/body behavior signals to his/her outside world as a presentation of the “truth” of his/her position. The facial “mask” along with an “emotion-less” mask at times are silent “display” mechanisms.

 

His/her children as tools whereby anger is expressed in more subtle ways through the hurtful or “direction-signaling” words of his/her children toward the person “needing” punishing or who the “Victim” desires to control.

 

My ex-wife is a master of this strategy and played the victim the entire length of marriage.  So strong was her conviction that I would get emails from what used to be our mutual friends telling me to stop hurting her.

 

My point is I see a lot of finger pointing to other parties when you should also look internally for what you allowed to happen to yourself.  Additionally, I read about individuals inviting again the same type of person into their lives again and again the blog writer plays the victim. 

 

Remember take responsibility for your actions and move forward.  Don’t wait for her or him to make their minds about the marriage, you are placing the control in their hands.  Yes, I know its easy for me to say however, if you always wait for others, you will never be satisfied with the outcome.

Into Extinction Day 105 (The pursuit of Justice for the individual)

  At first it may seem like insurmountable obstacles in front of you.   The only way to survive is to pay everyone and what is left is yours.  The latest material I have found on the subject is here >>> http://www.westernstandard.ca/website/article.php?id=2770

 

What I find interesting is there is the occasional article on this topic but for the most part we are ignored.  It seems unless we are homeless or have a strong special interest group representing us; we are buried back in page 25 of the newspaper.  Of course, when one of us kills ourselves in public we do make the front page but it’s just that day.

 

I have been cross-referencing and looking for ways for the government to hear our case because I am not giving up on this easily and I want to fight this.  There is the website >>>  http://www.albertahumanrights.ab.ca/about.asp

 

The vision statement of the Human Rights Commission is as follows:

 

“In Alberta, the Human Rights, Citizenship and Multiculturalism Act (HRCM Act) protects Albertans from discrimination in certain areas and on certain grounds. The purpose of the HRCM Act is to ensure that all Albertans are offered an equal opportunity to earn a living, find a place to live and enjoy services customarily available to the public without discrimination.“

 

The HUMAN RIGHTS, CITIZENSHIP

AND MULTICULTURALISM ACT publishes the following section:

 

Functions of Commission

 

16(1) It is the function of the Commission

 

(a)          to forward the principle that all persons are equal in: dignity, rights and responsibilities without regard to race, religious beliefs, colour, gender, physical disability, mental disability, age, ancestry, place of origin, marital status, source of income or family status,

 

I would contend or file a compliant with the Human Rights Commission based on the Charter of Rights and Freedoms based on the following section:

 

Section 7 guarantees the life, liberty and personal security of all Canadians. It also demands that governments respect the basic principles of justice whenever it intrudes on those rights. Section 7 often comes into play in criminal matters because an accused person clearly faces the risk that, if convicted, his or her liberty will be lost.

 

I would construct the complaint with Alberta Human Rights that when Maintenance Enforcement garnished my wages, suspended my driver’s license and revoked my ability to renew the registry on my vehicle that MEP was violating my right to life, liberty and personal security without a criminal charge being placed against me. 

 

I would maintain that my rights as an individual were severely curtailed without criminal charges and my life, liberty and personal security were at risk.

 

What do you think?

Into Extinction Day 104 (What all soon-to-be divorced dads need to know.)

Damn, I wish my lawyer or someone had explained these things to me, would have made life a lot easier and less expensive.

 

1.     Your opinion doesn’t matter.  Nope.  It’s better if you don’t have one.  Just bend over and grab your ankles, think warm thoughts.  You think I am being sarcastic don’t you?

2.     Whatever job; you have – quit – take the job as the fry-girl at MacDonald’s.   Seriously – making $9 an hour is really going to help you.

3.     Whatever she tells the court and the judge, they are going to believe.  You were a cross-dressing, transvestite, and vampire.  This is bad for the children.  They won’t believe you when you tell them she is soul-sucking bitch – nope – ain’t gonna happen.

4.     Sell off everything; take that trip to Thailand before the courts rule.  As a matter of fact, think of moving to Thailand.  You will be stripped of everything including your dignity, manhood, pride, ego, personality, sense of self, character, self-image, self-esteem, confidence, self-assurance, poise, self-belief, self-reliance, and anything else they can think of.

5.     Get used to beans in a can and Kraft Dinner.  This will be haute cuisine.  You idea of a great time will be taking out a frozen hotdog, warming it up in your armpit, and watching the neighbor’s television from your shopping cart in the alley.

6.     The fact that she stuck your dick in the toaster and set it to fry will matter not.  The fact that she stalked you for weeks and eventually pulled a “boiled rabbit” in your apartment matters not.  The fact that she convinced everyone in your office you have herpes matters not in court.  The court system is setup to protect her not you.

7.     Okay new concept here.  You will pay child support and in doing so pay what is called hidden spousal support.  The government, the courts and her lawyer and going to tell her to make as little money as possible so they can tap-dance all over your ass for it. 

8.     You may think because you walked out its done – forget that thought.  She has you by the balls.  She owns your ass. 

9.     Burn and shred everything, I mean everything.  I thought I did (shred everything) and missed her box of cards.  She kept everything I sent her which at first I thought because she liked mementos but in the end it was used against me.  I remember standing there thinking should I shred this?  I thought to myself, naw, too brutal.  On hindsight, I should have.  I kicked myself in court later when she brought the evidence forward.  Think of burning down the house – hmmm, maybe not that might come up in court.

10.                        Your standard of living is about to drop perniciously.  Your charter of rights is about to get a serious stomping.  You will be a second class citizen.  Better you hear it now and get used to the idea.

 

My list is a bit over the top but the feeling is there.  Its difficult to imagine in the beginning when you think you have rights and the law will protect to you to the eventual thoughts that this is not the case.  It is one of the rudest awakenings I can think of.  Good luck my friend, you will need 100lbs of horseshoes to make it through this.

Into Extinction Day 103 (Vengeance is best served cold…)

I was thinking over the weekend about the right thing.  I have been faced with several incidents over the past several weeks and what choices to make.   A part of me always wants to be vindictive, spiteful, malicious, bitter, mean, cruel, hurtful, nasty, and malevolent.  It’s an opportunity to give some where I took some.  The outcome of not doing this you get to be the better person, there are no awards, precious little recognition and nothing really for you except you know you did what had to be done.

 

In our world and in popular culture, most movies, friends, and governments make a big thing out of taking back what is yours.  Movies such as Payback is entire film out of getting back what was done to and more.  The first wives club –

“Three ex-wives, dumped for newer models, determine to get their revenge. They had helped their husbands become financially successful, so they cleverly plan to hurt their exes in their pockets. Justice is sweet and fun with plenty of great on-liners and physical gags”

Is a lengthy exposition on how to gut your ex-husband – forgiveness doesn’t seem to be apart of this.  War of the Roses –

The Roses, Barbara and Oliver, live happily as a married couple. Then she starts to wonder what life would be like without Oliver, and likes what she sees. Both want to stay in the house, and so they begin a campaign to force each other to leave. In the middle of the fighting is D’Amato, the divorce lawyer. He gets to see how far both will go to get rid of the other, and boy do they go far.

Is one of the most brutal and damaging movies I have seen on the subject of divorce – a black comedy.  I have seen it once and plan to never see it again.

 

The point of this is revenge.

Revenge (also vengeance, retribution, or vendetta amongst others) consists primarily of retaliation against a person or group in response to a perceived wrongdoing. Although many aspects of revenge resemble or echo the concept of justice, revenge usually has a more injurious than harmonious goal. The goal of revenge usually consists of forcing the perceived wrongdoer to suffer the same pain that was originally inflicted.

 

The point being is get back some of your own. 

In some societies, it is believed that the punishment in revenge should be more than the original injury, as a punitive measure. The Old Testament philosophy of “an eye for an eye” (cf. Exodus 21:24) tried to moderate the allowed damage, in order to avoid a vendetta or series of violent acts that could spiral out of control—instead of ‘tenfold’ vengeance, there would be a simple ‘equality of suffering’. Detractors argue that revenge is a simple logical fallacy, of the same design as “two wrongs make a right.” Some Christians interpret Paul’s “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord” (Romans 12:19, King James Version) to mean that only God has the moral right to exact revenge. Indeed, every major religious system contains some method for the mediation of disputes and for the limitation of vengeance by imputing a sense of cosmic justice to replace the often faulty justice systems of the world of men.

 

I am not a bible thumper just thought the quote was interesting.  In my experience although revenge is sweet by the very nature of enacting it propagates more and more of the same.  The point being is to get past whatever was done to you and move on with your life.  This is an extraordinary difficult task to accomplish – I know.

 

“Of the psychological, moral, and cultural foundation for revenge, philosopher Martha Nussbaum has written: “The primitive sense of the just—remarkably constant from several ancient cultures to modern institutions…—starts from the notion that a human life…is a vulnerable thing, a thing that can be invaded, wounded, violated by another’s act in many ways. For this penetration, the only remedy that seems appropriate is a counter invasion, equally deliberate, equally grave. And to right the balance truly, the retribution must be exactly, strictly proportional to the original encroachment. It differs from the original act only in the sequence of time and in the fact that it is response rather than original act—a fact frequently obscured if there is a long sequence of acts and counteracts”.

 

My mother was in town this past weekend.  She came in town because her brother was dying.  I don’t keep close with my family nor do they have a current phone number for me.  After years of child abuse at their hands I need some distance. 

 

However, when my grandmother died her greatest wish for me was to help my family and I respect that wish.  So my older brother contacted me and told me my mother was arriving.  I called her and asked her if she needed anything and she just wanted to see me.

 

As usual it was a dog-fuck from the start.  I called her Saturday morning to discover the hotel wanted her out because she didn’t have a credit card.  *sigh  I went over and straightened that out.  Then I discovered like always she had no money for food.  I gave her money as well.

 

This was the woman that beat me as a child and stripped away my sense of self over the years.  I remember every morning in the summer we would dread her getting up.  As she stomped down the stairs we would all scurry about cleaning up the house.  This didn’t stop the verbal abuse from her as she called us useless and dumb-fucks.

 

One distinct memory was when I was in Grade 9 about 15 years old.  We were shopping for my winter clothing.  She slammed my new coat into the cart and announced to me that was the last fucking jacket she was going to buy me.   True to her word she never bought me clothes again.

 

Over the years I was told by my mom, that you little fucker wouldn’t amount to anything.  I remember her screaming that into my face one day and it followed with a smack to my face. 

 

So I did amount to something and managed to create almost the same atmosphere within my failed marriage.  But in the end, we are supposed to rise above this.  To be better than you were taught.   I gave that money to my mother for a few reasons:

1.     My dad got up every morning at 6am and went to work for 30 years – I owned him and it was the right thing to do.

2.     It was what my grandmother wanted me to do.  I didn’t understand her dying request 5 years ago but I know now.

3.     I suppose despite my best efforts I might be the better person and no this wasn’t something I was striving to do or I am proud of – it just is.  I don’t want any thank you’s or hugs for what I did.

 

There was one single incident that struck me about the past weekend.  As I was leaving my mother at the hospital – my duty done she came outside to say goodbye to me.  For a moment I thought it was just goodbye but she broke down and cried on my shoulder for 10 minutes.  It all the time I had know here I never saw this.  It struck me that although at the time, I didn’t need her perhaps she needed me – I had forgotten this with everything else going on.

Into Extinction Day 102 (Women smell nice)

If you have been reading my past posts, it may seem like I hate, dislike, abhor, detest and loathe all women.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I am very attracted to women – well one in particular (you know who you are).  Women smell nicer than us (well try it, take a sniff, but um, try not to sniff unknown women, this will get you in jail very, very fast and sniffing your mother doesn’t count and ewwww).  Women have some very nice soft bits we (as men) are missing.  If you have no clue what I am talking about see your grade 8 sex education classes for details or look on the web (be prepared for nasty stuff on the web by the way).  A great relationship is a woman that complements you – not exactly like you.   She understands you despite your best efforts and lets you be who you want to be (i.e. you don’t have to hide the bag of Cheetos under the seat cushion because she is a health nut). 

 

After the pain of previous breakout has leached out of your system, remember I said after, its time to move on.  The reason it takes time to move on is because of the emotional bond you had with the ex.  I know it’s hard to imagine but it was there.  Breaking that bond is painful and takes time – you should take the time.  Unless of course there were no bonds and you are simply ready to move on.    If this is the case and its remarkable easy to move on, try this book http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/books/Snakes-Suits-Psychopaths-Workplace-Paul-Babiak/9780060837723-item.html they might be talking about you.

 

Okay as I have said before, in search of a new relationship, lets have some standards or you will end up with a woman who has to either shave her back every other day or who lives out of her car.  Some standards to think of:

 

1.     Height – yes I said height.  Seems trivial but if she only comes up to your waist that may be fantastic for some things (use your imagination) but if you keep losing her in crowds and she is asked for ID all the time, might be a problem.

2.     Interests – what do you like?  If she is interested in scrap booking and/or mud-wrestling alligators – hell if you don’t mind it’s your choice.  Interests indicate what’s beneath the surface.  If her biggest hobby is bingo on Saturday nights is this what you want?  If she likes to zip line across 300 foot gorges, can you do it?

3.     I have always had the standard rule, if the women can bench press more than me it’s a no-go.   Why?  Do you want your ears pinned back when you lose an argument?  Do you want her to use you for pushups?   You really will be a boy toy.  Hell, maybe you like that – not for me.

4.     Intelligence – if she is part of the local chapter of Mensa and you crush beer cans on your forehead – this might be a problem.  If she has 2 undergraduate degrees and a PHD, you may have a problem discussing world politics with her because world politics involve for you involve what your friends said down in the bar last night and comparing who can fart the loudest.

5.      Her ambitions – if her greatest ambition is to be on Jerry Springer, well it’s your choice.  Think about it, you will have to sleep with her half-sister who had the sex change to get on Springer and make her dreams come true.  Of course, if your greatest ambition is to do the run to Sturgis and she doesn’t know what the bitch seat is… Well….

6.     Your habits – if cleaning your toenails in bed is completely acceptable to you  - I am telling you now – good luck trying to find someone that will put with that (your dog doesn’t count).   If you never clean up after yourself, and weeks of food are lying around – I don’t know many people that will put with that.  Think personal grooming habits, think bathing once a day and a nice cologne – not cologne that attacks and subdues women by beating them over the head – something subtle (but that’s my preference).

7.     Religion – I know this doesn’t come up right away.  If she attends church 3 times a week and you during the first full moon sacrifice a cat to your pagan gods, there might a teeny weenie problem here.   Religion, in my opinion should be a close match, either she comes over to your side and is prepared to dance naked under the full moon with sheep or you go to her church – even this, in my opinion I don’t think will work.

8.     World View – what I mean by that what is her perception of the world around her.  If her world view doesn’t extend beyond the 6 blocks she has always lived in and yours is hiking through the Himalayas – there might be a problem here.

9.     Avoid psychotic women, now really, you would think this goes without saying however statistics show 1 in 10 people have a little Texas Chainsaw massacre in them.   A psychosis can show up many different ways, here are some common ones;

a.     Schizophrenia (multiple types) – every time you pick her for a date you meet someone new, this is a danger sign.

b.     Hallucinations (false perceptions) – she thinks she is the Prime Minister and wants you to address her as her lordship (well without tying you up this really isn’t a lot of fun).  Doesn’t matter how beautiful she is – this is a problem.

c.      Delusions (false beliefs) – she really does believe that aliens have come and probed her and they will bring her to their planet as their queen. 

d.     Flattened affect (loss of range of emotions) – if she has 2 emotions and one of them involves a lot of sex – while this may be fun – even this will wear on.  This to me is a significant danger sign.

10.                         Spending time with her.  If many things crop up, like the way she clicks her teeth all the time annoys you from day one, it isn’t going to get better.  If her unwillingness to shave body parts is really bugging you – it’s really time to move on.

 

My point is to know what your standards are.  I know this might sound shallow but it’s important.  This will help you and her decide if you want to invest time in the relationship because it can’t all be about the sex.  Good luck.

Into Extinction Day 101 (the Dehumanization of divorced fathers)

“Dehumanization often begins with the removal of personal identification. A convicted criminal is issued a prison identification number, for example. This form of dehumanization allows the guards and other authorities to maintain an impersonal relationship with inmates. This practice of dehumanization is also used by military prisons to maintain a feeling of superiority over captured enemy combatants. Viewing the enemy as a human being may compromise a soldier’s ability to interrogate him or her later.

 

Dehumanization is a process by which members of a group of people assert the “inferiority” of another group through subtle or overt acts or statements. Dehumanization may be directed by an organization (such as a state) or may be the composite of individual sentiments and actions, as with some types of de facto racism. State-organized dehumanization has been directed against perceived racial or ethnic groups, nationalities (or “foreigners” in general), religious groups, genders, minorities of various sexual orientations (eg. homosexuals or pedophiles), disabled people as a class, economic [e.g. the homeless] and social classes, and many other groups.

 

A common theme (or meme) is that of scapegoating, where dehumanizing the target provides a release from guilt for the person that scapegoats them, who typically begins to see themselves as a victim of the dehumanized person, rather than as a potential oppressor.”

 

The only reason this thought came up for me; I was watching “Saving Private Ryan” over the last few days and it dawned on me.  There is a well known psychological process for dehumanizing a group of individuals.  It starts with classification of the group of individuals, in our case its “Deadbeat dads”.  When dealing with Maintenance Enforcement you are assigned a seven digit number – that is what you are known as.  Every transaction and conversation begins with this number.  I know my number by rote now because that’s how I am addressed in the system.  They don’t use my first or last name in addressing me. 

 

Additional classifications is putting more psychological distance between the individuals perpetrating the act and those on the receiving end.  In our case, it’s the extreme punishment such as 14 years in prison for misfiling a statement of finance.  It continues with breaking down the moral and ethics boundaries of the individual.   This can be found in the Statement of Finance documentation required by Maintenance Enforcement, this document calls for the following:

·        Name, current address, Social Insurance Number, Health Care number and Driver’s License.

·        Present Employer information – gross and net salary

·        Annual bonus’s, commission, any raises you might receive, part-time employment, income producing hobbies, other income from rental properties, annuities, and pensions.

·        List of additional income such as are you collecting rent from a roommate.

·        Income from self-employment.

·        Do you have a business?  What is the salary?  Bonuses?  Dividends?  Other income such as automobile allowances and expenses you submit.

·        Any other monies received from the business such as company car, house, loans, savings plans, and share purchase options.

·        Copies the business financial statements.

·        Number of shares in the business and are you an officer of the corporation?

·        Total amount of loans you have made to the corporation.

·        Your monthly expenses including rent or mortgage payments, property taxes, utilities, groceries, clothing, transportation, personal expenses, home or rental insurance, vehicle insurance, life insurance, disability insurance, maintenance, alcohol, tobacco or other dependencies.

·        Complete list of your monthly payments to creditors.

·        List of dependants.

·        List of agreements requiring you to pay child or spousal maintenance.

·        List of all chequing and savings accounts, term deposits and annuities.

·        List of all retirement savings plans including RRSP, LIRA, LIF, and LRIF’s.

·        List of all real estates.

·        List of motor vehicles including type, make, model, year, serial no of the vehicle, purchase price you paid, balance owing, current market value and equity.

·        List of securities, including your shares, bonds and their current market value including any dividends paid out.

·        List of all location of all certificates for all corporate holdings both public and private and names and addresses of the brokers you deal with.

·        Insurance policies including the name of the insurance company, policy number, amount, person insured, premium and the cash surrender value.

·        Trusts – including the description of the assets held, location and the names and addresses of the trustee’s.

·        Parties who owe you money including their name, address, reason for debt, and amounts owning.

·        Are you a plaintiff in any lawsuit that may result in the court awarding you money?  Name of the person being sued, amount claimed, your lawyer’s name, address, phone number and status of the court action.

·        Have you settled a lawsuit for a sum of money that has not yet been paid?  Your lawyer’s name, amount owing, payment date, lawyer’s address, lawyer’s phone number and status of the court action.

·        Have you applied for any benefit, refund, compensation, grant, settlement or other funds form any government or program? 

·        Do you have any inheritances?

·        Other assets such as interests in other businesses, promissory notes, judgment debts, loans and mortgages receivable, objects of art, jewellery, bullion, coins, cameras, household furnishings and appliances (stereos, TVs, computers, crystal, dishwashers, and other asses no previously listed.

·        Have you given away, sold or assigned or otherwise transferred any property?

 

You have become a number and a series of assets that the government can claim at any time.  Where is our humanity?  The only thing I see missing on this list is your gold filings or perhaps how much they could get for that pacemaker in your chest or the clothes on your back. 

 

The process of filling out MEP’s forms is very dehumanizing and demoralizing, it might be better to jump off a building.

 

Further steps in the dehumanizaing process include:

 

“However, for individuals viewed as outside the scope of morality and justice, “the concepts of deserving basic needs and fair treatment do not apply and can seem irrelevant.”  Any harm that befalls such individuals seems warranted, and perhaps even morally justified. Those excluded from the scope of morality are typically perceived as psychologically distant, expendable, and deserving of treatment that would not be acceptable for those included in one’s moral community. Common criteria for exclusion include ideology, skin color, and cognitive capacity. We typically dehumanize those whom we perceive as a threat to our well-being or values”

 

It seems in the process of dehumanizing divorced fathers, whatever happens to them is because they were bad people, didn’t pay for their children, cheated in their wives and the like.  When one of us “deadbeat dads” commits suicide he was mentally imbalanced – nobody bothers to look at the process that drove the individual to that point.

 

“Psychologically, it is necessary to categorize one’s enemy as sub-human in order to legitimize increased violence or justify the violation of basic human rights. Moral exclusion reduces restraints against harming or exploiting certain groups of people. In severe cases, dehumanization makes the violation of generally accepted norms of behavior regarding one’s fellow man seem reasonable, or even necessary. “

 

Basic human rights such as food, shelter and clothing are denied when paying MEP.   You must pay the support and whatever is left you get to live off of.  What happens is the actions taken against a divorced father through our legal system have become the accepted norms for behavior however if the same individuals (i.e. such as judges, politicians, lawyers and other officials) faced the same punitive actions – how would they react?  You, as a divoriced father, have been re-classified out of normal society.  You are no longer a normal citizen; the only thing missing is getting you to sow a label on your jacket branding you a deadbeat dad.

 

“Deindividuation facilitates dehumanization as well. This is the psychological process whereby a person is seen as a member of a category or group rather than as an individual. Because people who are deindividuated seem less than fully human, they are viewed as less protected by social norms against aggression than those who are individuated. It then becomes easier to rationalize contentious moves or severe actions taken against one’s opponents.”

 

How quickly is a divorced father viewed as a “deadbeat dad” when you have an argument against the system?  When you say the payout for support in unfair?  What has happened is the normal social conventions that would have stopped such things as your bank accounts froze or your drivers license suspended is gone – it is a perfectly rational move by society to suspend your rights and freedoms.

 

“Once certain groups are stigmatized as evil, morally inferior, and not fully human, the persecution of those groups becomes more psychologically acceptable. Restraints against aggression and violence begin to disappear.”

 

Tell me when someone speaks of a deadbeat dad they are saying this person might be or are evil.  It becomes perfectly acceptable or more psychologically acceptable to use more extreme means on these deadbeat dads.  Let’s show them all they can’t fuck with us.

 

In the end, deadbeat dads or divorced fathers are seen as second class in society.   It is easier to brand us all the same way and to treat us as such.  There is one system and one treatment and one punishment for all divorced dads.  Your freedoms are taken away.

 

Into Extinction Day 100 (it really bites you on the ass)

  I was calculating how much I would continue to have pay and I stopped when the total exceeded $100,000.00.  It’s depressing.  It’s depressing to know for the following years I can never be sick or take a day off because this means those soulless bastards from Maintenance Enforcement will jump all over you.  They don’t really call you they just start taking things away and it’s not gradual.  They file with the Federal and Provincial wage garnishes.  They file with Motor Vehicles to suspend your ability to renew your vehicle registration.  They suspend your drivers license and then garnish your wages within your company.  They can and will take up to 70% of your income, including the second job at MacDonald’s.    They threaten that if a single item is out of place on your submitted financial statements they can toss you away for 14 years.  This is enormous power and heavy is the hand of those bastards. 

 

I have watched and read how Maintenance Enforcement will take from any student loans you get.  They will take from pensions.  They will take from welfare or any other means you have.  If you have a heart attack or stroke, living from hand to mouth, they won’t even leave you enough for bus fare.

 

The world doesn’t owe me a living.  This is a fairly common saying with no specific individual claiming the quote.  I owe the world a living is my conclusion.  It’s hard not to think day after day what has happened to me.  My only consolation is that I am not the only one this has happened to.  I suppose if my ex were to read this and knew it was me, she would take some joy at what has happened to me.  My penalty for suggesting a divorce that isn’t allowed by the Catholic faith.   Despite the significant punishments levied by her, the courts and the government, I would still do it again.  I would rather die a man free of her than one imprisoned by her. 

 

I was wondering today as I trudged my way into work will I still give to the man at the side of the street handout.  The old man, that sits beside the rails (C-Train) begging for money.  He wears a dirty cap, long grey dirty beard, scruffy blackened coat, shoes 2 sizes too big for him and every inch of him is covered in dirt.  Some days I envy him.  He is invisible.  Of course, your comment could be, shut the fuck up and pay and you would be right, as long as I chose to live in Canada, these are the rules imposed that I must abide by.  But if I am homeless and have nothing then there is nothing to take.  You can’t find me I slip under the radar and who really gives a damn about the homeless anyways.  It takes significant time, talent and energy to keep this going.  To continue to make enough money to keep myself afloat and when I look at the years left for paying.  Some days, I think it would be easier to give it up.  After all, if they take everything, what is left to hold on to?  I have to admit there is a part of me, that would like to see what my ex would do if there was nothing left.

 

But why would you go on?  My GF (who is reading this now) would say it can’t last forever.  The pace is significant and demanding with no rest.  I was somewhat idealistic about Canada and our laws.  Maybe even a little naive.  Now I understand other people’s frustration with the courts, lawyers and the government.  There really is a sense of entitlement there, that the government and the courts have the best interests of everyone and you should obey.  We were all brought up with a sense of freedom.  Get a job, buy a house and live your life and you would be left alone.  This has changed forever for me.  I no longer put any trust in our legal system, the banks or lawyers (okay, the lawyers I should have known about in the first place).  I have learned to bring the full measure of my abilities to anything dealing with the province – don’t play nice – it really bites you on the ass in the end. 

 

Into Extinction – Day 99 (Leaving and finding someone else)

Looking for a new relationship – now that the old one has blown up and taken little bits of you with it, its time to look for a new one, unless of course you happy being alone with a TV, a couple of plants and a pillow to caress at night.  Not that there is anything wrong with that however a loving a pillow over a longer period of time may require therapy and I wouldn’t bring the pillow along for the sessions.

 

The whole point of leaving the previous relationships is the following:

1.     You were unhappy.

2.     You found her cheating skanky ass in bed with someone else and that pretty much did it.

3.     You found someone else.

4.     You didn’t like to be smacked around every day.

5.     You didn’t like to be told you are worthless and lower than dog crap on a sunny day in the middle of a park.

6.     He/she stopped loving you.

7.     You stopped loving them.

8.     You moved on with your life and they were stuck where their were in Grade 10 Chemistry.

9.     He/she moved on and all you smell is fumes from the bus that took them there.

 

So you were unhappy.  If this is the length and depth you thought about it, you might be from the shallow end of the gene pool.  Why were you unhappy?  Does she nag you until you want to put a plastic bag over her head?  Is her strongest ambition is to see the DNA results on Jerry Springer cause she knows that cheating bastard is not the father?  Did she drink all your beer every day and you find her in a pool of her own vomit at the end of the day?  If you don’t know exactly and precisely why you unhappy you are just going to transfer this unhappiness onto the next bewildered victim.  Knowing why you unhappy is important because you can avoid this in your next relationship.

 

You found her cheating skanky ass in bed with someone else.  Doesn’t matter if it’s another female and you want pictures.  Of course, you can get around to forgiving her and continuing along with the relationship.  My personal opinion is this won’t work.  There is the little matter of trust.  It’s very hard and extraordinarily difficult to rebuild that kind of trust.   I know, I know you love her, but it will take years to re-build this and a lot of energy.   My advice – walk away… 

 

Okay, you found someone else.  You are a bad, bad person.  There my only judgment call.  If you found someone else think about it.  Was it really exciting to sneak around?  Was it thrilling to get to know somebody else?  Was it fantastic to keep the wife in the dark?  I am not making a judgment call here – not my business, however you might be depressed.  No, I am not making excuses for you to jump in bed with that stripper because you liked the way she handed that pole in the bar but you might be depressed.  A sign of depression is when someone looks for excitement in their world, somebody new to make them feel alive again.  Again, I am not condoning your behavior but you might want to seek professional help and you might want to bow out gracefully out the marriage.  I am also suggesting you don’t tell her you have had sex with someone else.  That is irreparable damage to her.  I am not thinking about your feelings at all on this one. 

 

You don’t like to be smacked around every day – well who does?  Smacking or any form of physical abuse is not okay.  If he or she blocks the doors from you leaving that’s just as bad because they are forcing a confrontation.  If you stay for the smackings because of kids and you have nowhere to go, in my opinion its just as much damage.  I know, its easy for me to say pick up and move on, but you have to.

 

You didn’t like to be told you are worthless and lower than dog crap on a sunny day in the middle of a park.  Ah, verbal abuse – very difficult to provide and leaves just as many scars as the physical abuse – see my posting on day 94 for details.

 

They stopped loving you.  You just become a stop in the middle of life once a day.  No real emotional connection.  Well, couples therapy might work but if you don’t understand why this happened you might never.  Remember it’s not entirely their fault, you own 50/50 on this one.  You could ask them why they stopped but I bet no real answer if forthcoming and why not?   Because if they really respected you and the relationship they would have already fessed up.

 

You stopped loving them.  At first, when they were clipping their toenails in bed that was cute now its disgusting.  At first, her going out 3 times a week with her friends including guy-friends didn’t bother you – you believed in the relationship, now there is nothing left.  At first, him farting under the blankets was something you could put up with, now you want to smother him with the pillow.  At first, her asking you every day if her breasts were okay was cute, now you are just annoyed, is not a good sign.  When, where and why you stopped loving them is important.  It says a lot about what you do and don’t want in a relationship and if you don’t understand this you will repeat this again and again.

 

You moved on with your life and they were stuck where their were in Grade 10 Chemistry.  Okay in the dating side, it was kinda cute when they wore their high school jacket everywhere.  Now he’s 40 pounds over and that hairy belly sticking out is just ridiculous.  Some people stop in life and that’s as far as they go or want to go.  You have to decide if this is enough or its time to burn the jacket and move on.

 

He/she moved on and all you smell is fumes from the bus that took them there.  She goes to book readings once a week and you would rather slit your wrists.  He moves from hockey to football and back to hockey every year and you want to slit his wrists.  By the way, there is nothing wrong with someone having a hobby or interest that doesn’t include you.  It is a problem when this is all that they are and you want to be beaten senseless whenever they bring it up.  This isn’t good. 

 

My point is, if you ready to leave the relationship, know why within yourself.  If you don’t you will repeat it.  Don’t leave the relationship for someone else, this might work out or you could find out that he sleeps with 2 great Danes and you and he loves the dogs more than you.  Leave and take a year for yourself.  I have said this before, you need a year before you crash someone else’s party and live alone.  Yes all alone, and if this scares you, why does it scare you?

 

Into Extinction – Day 98 (Fathers with no or little contact with the children – why?)

Why do some or the majority of fathers have little to no contact with their children?  Why is this a mystery to the ex-wives?  I am going to be blunt here; if the ex-wives understood the men in the first place they would understand why the men didn’t pursue relationships with the children.   Of course, I am painting all ex-wives with the same brush but I have heard of and read great stories where both parents create a fantastic environment for the children.  I applaud them.  This is a very mature decision but a very rare decision – I hear most often that the father is not exercising their right to see the children.

 

My case like everyone else’s is unique to my situation.  As I have stated in previous postings, mine included abuse.  My therapist recommended I never see her again (and yes my therapist knew I have children).  My therapist thought the damage was significant enough, I needed to move on but enough about me, lets discuss why men don’t see their children, as follows:

 

1.     They (men) don’t give a damn.  Men don’t have the direct emotional connection that women have with children.  This seems to mystify most women – they can’t seem to grasp this concept.  Men at the point of divorce see this as moment to move on and shake the dust of the old relationship off.  Yes, I know there are children at stake here however re-read my first point at the beginning of the paragraph.   Here is a more important question behind the first – why don’t men give a damn?  They helped bring these children into the world.  Probably because seeing the children is a reminder of the ex-wife and the failure behind that.  I am betting most women may not understand this at all.

 

2.     You (the ex-wife) rip him a new one in court.  You win and pummel him into the ground.  This is very easy to accomplish these days.  You take out your vengeance and get the majority of his income.  Something very satisfying about this isn’t there?  However, for the man, it is one of the most crushing blows you could ever do.  If you wanted to kill him, this is as close as you will ever come.  Think about this, you win, but your children will lose.  I hear you saying already, it’s the only way I can his money.  There might be a better balance here, let things calm down and negotiate.  If you decide to gut him anyways (on the advice of your lawyer of course), the children may never see him again or rarely.  Yes I know this doesn’t make any sense to you. 

 

 

3.     It’s just too painful.  Maybe he feels abused.  I know you didn’t abuse him.  But that may be the case.  You might think he is making it up but in my case as it continued into years, there might be something there.  Maybe you should think about therapy.

 

In the end, some men view the divorce as the divorcing of everything including the children.  I didn’t say this would make sense.  And if you the ex-wife choose to make this a more difficult, it makes it that much easier to cut ties with everything.

 

For instance, I would give my children presents on their birthday (I still do) and my ex-wife would send me past birthday or Christmas cards I sent to her.  This is a mystery to me (maybe someone can explain it to me).  All these cards every did, is remind me how she used these cards in court to nail me against the wall.  Not a pleasant memory.  So my conclusion on her sending the cards, is she doesn’t have a damn clue what really happened.  Pity I suppose but I am not about to explain it to her, she is not good at empathizing with someone else. 

 

Into Extinction – Day 97 (I can change him/her)

I can change them…  Enough love and understanding will change him or her.  If I try hard enough.  I have seen enough to know it might, may, possibly, or perhaps could happen but at what cost?

 

 

 

Ah, I can hear you now – “I am not abused”.  It’s quite possible that you are right or you are wrong.  I didn’t believe it.  It took a skilled, trained and experienced individual to help me realize it.  I didn’t want to believe it.  The key item he told me that got through to me was, “if it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t”. 

 

I want to share something I believe – you can’t change them, they however can change you.  They can rip pieces from you and destroy them forever, but hey its love and if you didn’t love them, a little sacrifice is worth it.  But how much is too much? 

 

Oh, let’s try couple’s counseling or maybe he/she will go to counseling – this on the surface is a great idea.  It looks like your partner is committed to a change.  But let’s remember these individuals are masters at manipulation and control, even trained professionals have a hard time with them.  I’ll bet when you were in couples counseling it comes out to be your fault.   If you were a little more understanding and a lot more giving this wouldn’t happen. 

 

Confused?  Because at each counseling session or different counseling sessions – it looks like everything is your fault.  You begin to wonder if it’s your entire fault but here is the key.  Unless your controlling, abusive partner is willing to admit their culpability in this – it’s never going to come up and they are going to hide it.  Only you will see their behavior for what it really is.  They are masters at picking the right place and time for the abuse, no witnesses and who is going to believe you?  All the counselors said it was your fault in the first place. 

 

So the steps and I am no professional, I only speak from personal experience.

 

1.     Tension building stage – over time, walking carefully, you realize that he or she is building up to something.  In the back of your mind you realize it’s been too long, they haven’t released their anger and it’s bound to happen.  No matter how careful you are, you are going to do something that sets them off.

2.     The Abusive Incident – they explode.  Its interesting, in my case, she always waited until nobody else was around including the children.  The fight was exhausting for me, tearing down everything as she cried, screamed and yelled for hours.

3.     The manipulation stage – she apologizes.  I learned to hate this stage and I refused her apologies.  Full of I’m “sorries” and you didn’t deserve that.    This went on for years – years.  The human mind can only take so much, I often felt like I was the only outlet for her anger, every slight she had suffered, abusive from her parents came down on me.  I did encourage her to go to counseling but it never worked.  There was always a problem with the counselor, then I realized no counselor would ever work for her and none ever did. 

 

So if you think to change the situation, to change the other person, think of everything else too.  The children will suffer too.  The situation may be beyond your experience and capabilities.   What will it take?  Will be 10 years later and everything is still the same before you realize?

Into Extinction – Day 96 ( Abuse and Love)

I met an old friend on the street yesterday.  I hadn’t seen this individual in about 8 years and a lot can happen in 8 years.  The pause and the conversation had me thinking of those things that had happened and eventually the conversation turned towards my family.  He asked how my wife and the children were.  I told him I was divorced.  “Oh” he said.  Sadness in his eyes.  Interesting, I was thinking, he was treating this like someone had died.   Before I would have loved to regal him with what had happened leading up to my divorce but I no longer feel the need to do this.  I have no interest in dumping my emotional garbage on someone else.  Well onto today’s topic. 

 

Your next relationship or mine as the case may be.  I highly recommend therapy.  Um, not for the person that will be dating you but for you (might be a good idea – but it’s your date).  Because if you, like me, came from a incredible mess that left you an emotional cripple I think it’s important to not make the same mistake again.  If you have not internalized what you learned from the marriage, you will make the same mistakes again.  I repeat, you will make the same mistakes again.  Here is what I learned:

1.     Yelling and screaming at the drop of a hat is not love.  Living with my ex everything she wants ended up with a fight and I lost.  As mentioned in previous postings, I simply gave up and let her win at everything, it made life easier for me, but then again, I didn’t want to live anymore – not much of a choice.

2.     Love is not a tug-of-war.  There shouldn’t be winners and losers – love just is being with the other person.

3.     Love is not about setting up a series of rules for the other person.  My ex had a series of activities she wanted me to do to show how much I loved her.  I must have been insane when I agreed to this and at the time I realized if I finished these tasks (similar to what Hercules did in the story called The Labors of Hercules) I thought the love would be better than ever.  Turns out with each task I completed, there were 2 new fresh ones to take its place.

4.     Love isn’t a test.  She really enjoyed setting up situations to prove I loved her.  It took me a while to realize what was going on.  I confronted her one day and she said “I just want to know you will love me forever.”  My advice, every test you setup actually builds up resentment and pushes the two of you further apart.

5.     Love isn’t about changing the other person to be more perfect in your eyes.  She often said that’s what she does for me.  Point out my imperfections; help me set a plan in place so I can be better.  The more she did this, the less I was me.  I like my imperfections thank you very much.

6.     You can’t live inside someone else.  As we went along in our marriage, I realized she wanted to share 100% of everything.  It made me very uncomfortable.  I didn’t want to share everything, I couldn’t and I don’t know any rational human being that could – it’s not possible.  We all need our own space to grow and pursue things that only interest us – this is healthy.

7.     At the extreme sadistically end; she encouraged me to hit her.  No, I am not kidding nor did I make this up nor do I even like to talk about this subject.  She thought if I could hit her; I would be more in touch with my emotions.  This thought of hitting someone else was incredulous.  It wasn’t something in me and I never want it to be.  Where do people come up these ideas?

8.     It’s not all your fault or mine – it can’t be.  In the final months of our marriage I asked her, “Did you make any mistakes?”  I watched her sitting on our bed and thinking about it for 15 minutes – I kid you not.  She couldn’t come with single instance where she was to blame.  I wasn’t really looking for blame in her; I was curious as to where she thought the fault was.  This was one of the most eye-opening experiences for me.  

9.     You can’t always help the other person.  I realized in the final months of my marriage that this was completely beyond my experience.  Whatever psychosis or psychological problems she had – was certainly beyond my capabilities.  Once I admitted that, I realized this would never get better and it would get magnificently worse.

10.                         Even your patience would run out.  I never thought my patience would end.  I could put up with anything.  Turns out I was so wrong on such a large scale it has backfired on me probably forever.  What I mean is, I took in so much verbal abuse, emotional blackmail and threats, the well (of patience) dried up completely.  When it was gone so was I.  When your well of patience is gone, you have no patience for anything anymore.  I am not even sure to this day whether I will ever have patience for anyone and that’s not fair to the people around me.

 

So my advice to you, if you don’t spend the time to examine all the reasons your marriage or relationship went South on you; you will repeat these mistakes again.   I am going to suggest professional help again,  Not because I think you or I are crazy its just that a professional can help you gain insight you may never have.  The list I presented above just come from nowhere, I did go to therapy and I realized something.  Because I grew up in an abusive house, I equated abuse with love.  Think about it. 

Into Extinction – Day 95 (Frame of Reference)

Frame of Reference – A position from which an observer watches an event and makes measurements as he/she sees them can be called that observers frame of reference.

 

The subject frame of reference and the subsequent definition doesn’t seem to have any relevance to my subject matter but it’s all about your frame of reference.

 

I was watching Charlie Wilson’s War the other night.  This is a movie about Afghanistan and the Soviet Union.  When you watch this movie you get additional information (where true or not is not the subject of this posting) about the Soviet invasion.  You are presented with the Soviets being vicious and cruel to the Afghans by planting toy bombs that blow the hands off of children and other such atrocities.  Then the movie progresses to the ideals of a single man put into action.  Charlie Wilson literally changes the outcome of the war.  He is an America politician and an idealist.  He proceeds to procure money from the American Government starting at $10million and ending up over a billion.  He equips the Afghans with the military hardware to defeat the Soviets and they do. 

 

This changed my frame of reference in two ways:

1.     The first way is I never bothered to truly understand the conflict that occurred in Afghanistan.  The movie presents significant information (whether true on not is not the subject of debate here) about what happened and why it happened.  It changed my frame of reference.  In doing so, prompted me to search out more information on the conflict.  Why would I bother?  Well, once again, we have a country (Afghanistan) with a bunch of rocks and weeds that we seem to fighting over – again – why?  And further to this, why the hell would you be interested?  Well, my friend, in this global world we live in, things halfway around the world impact you and I.

2.     The second fact or information I realized, that if the movie is even 10% correct, we helped to create the problem in Afghanistan.  This was complete new information to me.   If you read the book, “the looming tower” you would realize that al quaeda started in Afghanistan.  This terrorist group touched many of us and intentionally changed us.

 

So to further bring forward the concept of frame of reference, I think about my divorce and the subsequent things that happened to me.  I can limit my frame of reference to simply being very, very angry about Maintenance Enforcement.  I can limit my frame of reference to the next hockey game or a cold beer.  This is immediate gratification and possibly I drink myself into slumber and temporarily forget the sodomy that Maintenance Enforcement has done.

 

However I chose (and if you have read any of my previous postings you know this) to research and gather information.  Why would I bother to do this?  Isn’t this just more aggravation on top of everything else?  Yes, it certainly is, because as I dig deeper into Maintenance Enforcement and the labels applied to divorced fathers I get more angry.  As my frame of reference increases, I understand the problem better.  I want to understand the issues and problems behind deadbeat dads better than the judges, ex-wives and governments and it helps that I am one.  A perspective armed with information. 

 

Why would I do this?  Because is the simplest answer or maybe, just maybe, I am thinking we (you and I) could change this for the better.  I am not talking about removing payments, what I am talking about is a better balance in the system.  A system of accountability for both parties.  And all this starts out with one person saying “enough is enough”.  It has to start somewhere,  I hope you change your frame of reference along with me.