Into Extinction – Day 88 (the silver bullet for divorce)

Author’s Note:  Before you dive into this posting, remember this is tongue-in-cheek for me, actually I harbor no ill-will towards my ex or any of the “ex’s”, I do however believe in Karma.  I intended to have a little fun with this posting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well I have found it; the silver bullet for all us divorced dads out there, pumping out money to Maintenance Enforcement with no chance of parole in a tiny little prison waiting for extinction.  It’s a bit of change but you could recover some of that lost income.  Okay, okay, the silver bullet is you have to switch teams.  Learn to play with a different set of balls.  Bat for the home team.  Run the bases like you never have before. 

 

Okay, I didn’t say it would be easy.  After all, I have no interior design sense, little fashion sense (I own maybe 3 pairs of shoes and my favorite color is blue), and I can’t put my little pinky up in the air whilst drinking coffee, tea or whatever.  Hmmm, this is turning into a slur on homosexuals which I didn’t intend for it to be but they may be our saving grace here gentlemen.  Check out this article >>> http://www.canada.com/edmontonjournal/news/letters/story.html?id=b1060631-fb75-4c77-8a62-0ddbf3098fbb

 

Okay it’s not my only suggestion, but there are precious few ideas floating around.  It’s like a silent underground.  It’s resonating – that just because we are men, we should just take it.  The pushing around, violation of rights and freedoms and everything else that goes with it.  Homosexuals have a better chance in court than you or I – this is crazy.  I am all for supporting my children but when you do this to me, it lessens me as a person and as a man.  You know what I am talking about.

 

So I have 2 maybe 3 other suggestions.  In order of priority:

 

1. Make less money.  The system is built around the fact that you as a man are geared to make the money.  It’s built into all of us (men) to pursue because we use it as a measuring stick to determine our usefulness at home and in business.   When we lose this control to the courts, we have failed as men.  It’s there in the back of your mind.  So make less money.  It’s contrary to everything I have pursued in my life however if I made less money than that soul-sucking bitch (um, whoops, I try not to name call – not professional), than there is less to take away.  For example:
   1. She makes $40,000 a year
   2. You make $125,000 a year, I don’t have to tell you what the payout is – the courts already did ($1746 for 2 children).
   3. You drop your income to $40,000 to match her. The previous amount paid out would have been $1746 for 2 children; the drop to 40k is now $573 for both children (a net difference of $1173).  I am not suggesting you don’t support your children, but the drop would definitely get her scrawny ass off the couch, shut off Oprah or Dr. Phil and start looking for work (ah, damn, there I go with the name calling again).   You situation may be different and you may do it for different reasons than me. 
2. Leave the country.  Lets face it, live in Canada abide by the laws, can’t stand the laws leave the country.  Let’s see there is Alaska, the United States, Mexico and bunch of 3^rd world countries below that.  Stay here in Canada and you be living like you already are in the 3^rd world, eating beans out of tin, heated by your car engine, and fuck – may as well be warm in some tropical paradise.  You could start a revolution in that 3^rd world tropical paradise and set your own agenda – no sycophantic-faced, back-biting, skinny, yelling, sorry assed – bitches in power.  You could own a 3^rd world country with enough determination.  Just remember – leave before Maintenance Enforcement gets wind of your dictatorial dreams and cancels your passport.  
3. And my personal favorite, fake your own death.  This requires considerable planning on your part, or you can just simply set a body on fire.  Planning is the key here and here are the steps:
   1. Pull out some of your own teeth to include in the death.  They might think to check you dental records – your other option is to destroy your own dental records.  What are a few teeth anyway?  It’s probably the only thing you have left that you own that the slack-assed, mealy mouthed, lazy little slut has grabbed onto or sued you for.
   2. Find a body – preferably dead – I am not out to create more murders here.  Check the morgue for Christ sake – wait for it and grab a body – have somewhere cold to store it.  God knows what the smell of a rotting corpse would bring into your apartment and accusations from her (you would be accused of necrophilia by the way – look it up I am not explaining everything to you).  Or hang around funeral homes, wait for a body, tell people attending the funeral – you need some alone-time with Uncle Frank and hump that body out back and into the trunk.  You knew this wasn’t going to be pleasant. 
   3. Plan the accident.  Probably the greatest coup that could happen here is if it gets pinned on your ex (huge shit-eating grin is now plastered across your face) – no wait, don’t do that, who is going to look after the children (sorry what I meant to say is who is going to yell, scream and berate the children) – but its okay to dream about it, just make sure it doesn’t become your reason for living.  Okay, now popular ways to fake your death (pause) and think about this people, the body must be unrecognizable but your wallet with your identification must survive for the cops.  So look at the most obvious fake death which is fire, electrocution, or drowning (in order of unrecognizable remains).  You must have an eyewitness to the drowning or who is going to know you drowned.   My preference, a good old fashioned fire, preferably a vehicle accident involving you being torched.   Set it up, not during rush hour because nobody else should be hurt.  Smack the car into a tree and torch it.  Home free – remember the matches, you can’t start the fire with the cigarette lighter in the car.  As far as fissionable material – use your divorce papers.
   4. Um, wait, before the fire, drowning or electrocution, you need to setup another series of identification.  Faking your own death does involve setting up a new life.  I suggest searching birth/death records, finding a child born the same year as you and dieing within the same week as they were born.  Write away for the birth certificate and bob’s your uncle.  New birth certificate equals a nice new credit rating, say thank you Mr. Legalprison for pulling my ass out of the fire.
   5. Attend your own funeral if you want but be prepared to see your ex dancing on your grave.  I won’t go, I might be tempted to jump up and yell “boo” to her, I am haunting you for the rest of your life.  If the skinny bitch collapses there with a heart attack I win (huge shit-eating grin is now plastered across your face).  Let go of that dream. 
   6. Start your new life.

 

There some practical suggestions to helping you move on with your life.  Add your own to the comments below.  We might all be able to come up with something to help each other.