After the initial crisis in done (i.e. you have fled the marriage) and you are sitting alone in whatever hovel you can afford. Remember the court system generously awarded your ex with your money – it’s very nice of them. You to start to think of what else is out there?
My advice, to you my friend, is don’t do it. The wounds are still fresh and any conversation with a potential individual will eventually turn to you. The most recent events, the stabbing, the loss in court, and the cat support will bubble up in casual conversation. Actually it might come pouring out. You may get a sympathetic ear as you dump your unwashed laundry in front of them but you will, in the end, scare them away – unless they are needier than you.
What you need is an entire year. Yes, an entire year and if you can’t even do 3 or 4 months alone – time to seek therapy. Yes, therapy – consider it. An unbiased professional ear. A little blunt truth at $120/hour is always helpful but hey it’s your life.
Dating has changed. If you left dating say in the late eighties or the nineties its all changed. You can still go to the bars or you can try the dating websites of which there are plenty.
Let’s start with Plenty of Fish. This is a huge dating website with a lot of people and many are off their medication. Like everything in life – you get what you pay for and PoF is free. If you are curious about where Hannibal Lector’s sister dates – try this website out.
Then there is eHarmony. The commercials have this non-threatening grey haired gent with a slight smile (like he knows you better than you know you – put down the Cheetos) genteelly pushing you into the eHarmony direction. The geriatric salesman promises a clear scientific answer to love – god knows science is the answer. To top it off, after Mr. Geriatric disappears, and a bunch of very happy couples pop up and tell you how wonderful everything is – they match each other perfectly, even blow each other’s noses. One advantage – girls outnumber the guys 6 to 1.
Enter the eHarmony website is not quick or fast. You are forced with a battery of multiple choice questions asking everything from how honest are you, were you breastfeed, do you like beer, what color are your shoelaces, are you addicted to anything, and how much risk you like in your life (axe murder okay?) The real question that quickly pops up in your mind is “would I go out with me?” “Probably not – too many psychosis’s.” So you can either tell the truth and end up with the same loser as you are or you can beef it up a little. Here is the latest on eHarmony – http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1638344_1638341,00.html
Yes, I have climbed Mount Everest – twice, in my t-shirt and bunny slippers. Oh yes, I am independently wealthy and yes I am trim and ready to run a marathon. There is one problem with this approach, with this bold faced lying like a dog – what if everyone else is doing it too? The most you ever climbed was drunk, up that dammed snow bank outside the bar and you collapsed in your car barely able to breath and wondering if you should call 911 but you can’t because you would just squeak the words out. Your idea of independent wealth is enough money to buy a lottery ticket. The last time you ran was when the Jehovah Witnesses were trying to convert you. Best to ask for pictures of Mount Everest, financial records and the medal they have from the Boston Marathon – on the first date of course.
Then there is Lavalife. One of the most popular dating sites on the planet. The saying goes you have to kiss a lot frogs, well pucker up honey, there are African bullfrogs, Asian Floating frogs, Barking Tree Frogs, Bell Horned Frogs, Dart Frogs, Monkey frogs, and Whistling Tree frogs. There are a lot of frogs. The great thing about the website is you get to talk to a lot of people, the stupid thing about the website is you get to talk to a lot of people.
Newbie’s to Lava, especially women, are set upon by those men just waiting for them to show up. 2 seconds after the profile is up, they IM them. The newbie not knowing any better thinks – cool – men attracted to me already not thinking that this particular male is from the bottom end of the food chain and lives with a fifty foot python.
No, the key is to find someone who is not a newbie and not someone who has been on Lava since the day the site launched. Have some standards and wear a thick skin, some of the people on Lava are vicious and like nothing better than to tear you a new one.
So my keys to successful dating – the rules to follow, based on my experience:
1. No picture with their profile – no play. I have tried and never been successful on a date with no picture. Men are built to want to see the other sex. Besides they could still be married, Lavalife reports half the guys on the site are still married and trolling for something better than they have.
2. Have standards. Such as must have original teeth or must not be living in your parents basement or must be employed, if he/she takes bi-polar medication maybe that’s a no but you get my drift. You don’t have to publish your standards with your profile just have some. Don’t lower your standards – no good will come of this.
3. Washed out pictures on their profile that give little details or the person is 2 miles away in the shot and you kinda see them – well there is reason. Think about it, people comfortable with themselves take nice pictures. I once dated this woman, her picture was really washed out. Most of her face was white, I could see her yes – blue and I think a smile. We hit it off online and met for coffee. I got there first and sat down. She showed up 15 minutes later and I didn’t recognize her. “And you are?” Thinking to myself – god must hate me. “I’m Trish” Okay god does hate me. Trish apparently weighs 400lbs, her teeth are green and she easily has 20 years on me – Shrek’s mom. This is false advertising. Duck and run boy – duck and run.
4. Beware of titles on the profile such as “I might be the one for you?” or “Looking for an honest guy.” The first one smacks of a little too needy and possibly stalks you later in the relationship. The second one requires a lot of work. Some guy or guys (maybe at the same time) used her and tossed her away and now you represent all males and it’s your job to regain her trust – good luck.
5. Beware of lists in the profile. Lists such as must be this tall, make this much money, must so long in length, and so on. I didn’t say you wouldn’t have standards, you just don’t need to publish them or weed through them. People that publish lists on their profiles, in my opinion, are at the shallow end of the gene pool. The profile is there to see or write something significant about themselves and if there is nothing about them perhaps they will spend the entire relationship living in your personality – trust me – there’s not enough room.
6. Beware of psycho’s – now this advice seems really obvious – I do avoid psychotic people – it’s a good rule. However 1 in 10 has a little psycho in them and they are really, really, good at hiding it. I talked to this one girl who was convinced I was still married. She started the conversation angry, very angry and she was taking it out on me and I hadn’t even married her yet – okay this is what blocking is for.
More to follow…
