Into Extinction - Day 94 (Abused? It matters not in court…)

I remember when it first occurred to me, that there might be a serious problem beyond my capabilities and experience in my previous marriage.  I was at her parent’s house; we were watching old 8mm films of her childhood.  At certain points during the film when my ex was feeling picked on or abused by her own family something very peculiar happened, she would wave her arms up and down in a flapping motion, then as the abuse contained from either her mother or father, she would re-treat and drawn into herself, curling up in a ball and rocking herself – her only comfort was herself.  Everyone in her family always laughs when this comes up in the film and I was alarmed because I had seen this behavior before.

 

Whenever she and I had a significant fight and she felt she was on losing, she would re-treat.  She would retreat into our walk-in closet, shut off the light and rock herself back and forth.  At first, I left her alone.  Then after one episode, she explained to me it was my job to go in and comfort her – so I did.  What resulted was manipulation.  In order to get her to stop this behavior I had to agree to all sorts of things – I enabled the situation.  Looking back now, I wonder how and why I ever got myself into this situation with her.   

 

As I have mentioned in the previous posts, she was emotional and verbally abusive to me.  She would strip me to down to nothing through a barrage of interrogation techniques.  She is by the far the best at this I have ever seen in my life.  She still scares me.   I was naïve enough to think this would matter in court.  I spent significant time researching and pulling data forward and providing comparisons.  I talked to psychiatrists and health care professionals but after I read the current case law, I began to realize she could have broken both my arms and it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference in a court of law. 

 

What amazes me is her outside persona.  You wouldn’t know it.  She is entirely capable of knock down brawl one moment and sweetly answering the phone the next second.  In court, she was sweet and demure, the picture of someone set upon by her vicious and cruel ex-husband.  Now that is skill and one I do not have.  Not having this skill and recognizing it in her, I keep as far away as possible from her.  She scares me, I never quite sure what she is capable of.     

 

She did accuse me of molesting my children.  Remember there is no line she won’t cross.  After numerous sessions with a child psychiatrist there was nothing to be found because I didn’t molest my children but the damage was done.  She forgets that she did this in the early part of the divorce proceedings but that is something I don’t forget easily, that hurt me. 

 

And don’t think for a second I blame everything on my ex-wife.  You would be wrong.  I enabled the situation.  I did stupid, hurtful things as well.  I am held accountable for my decisions – however she is not.  There isn’t a day that goes by I wonder what she is doing to the children. 

Into Extinction Day 93 (bad news, its not getting better)

You know, I want to think of my case in the province of Alberta as unique.  That not every man is being bent over by the government and Maintenance Enforcement and given the spousal support enema.  But the more I read, I realize its pretty damn common.  

 

I was on one of my other websites and they were talking about a father who had stopped all payments and health support for the children.  Now this might be the case, but I think it’s important to step back a little and not be so quick to judge but I was wrong.  The word deadbeat dad came out so fast – it was well – very disappointing.   The media has done a fantastic job of painting fathers into this corner.  So fabulous was this job, that the Federal, Provincial and local judges have jumped onboard.  It is presumed by those in higher authority that you will try to skip the judgments.   However when you look at the actual statistics its less than 1% of us deadbeat dads that don’t pay however we all get painted with the same brush.  Equality be damned.  If you, the deadbeat dad, were to speak up on this injustice, I am sure everyone would be thinking he is trying to weasel his way out of paying.  It’s a corrupt and foolish system in place today.

 

If you access the website from the Federal Government (http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/sup-pen/pub/guide/qa-qr.html#2) they do a fantastic job of telling you what you should pay.  They don’t explain the formula in great detail and here is another bit of interesting news from the Feds:

 

“The receiving parent is expected to contribute a similar share of his or her income to meet the costs of raising the child. The standards of living of the child and the receiving parent are inseparable because the child resides in his or her household. This approach allows the children to continue to share in increases or decreases in their parents’ income, just as they would have if the two parents had continued to live together.”

 

Really I am highly amused by this.  While there are rules and penalties for the deadbeat dad I don’t see any for the mother.  As a matter of fact, she could spend her entire income at the 7-Eleven and who would care?  As a matter of fact, it is important that my ex make as little money as possible thereby increasing her monthly take of my income.  The system really does screw you over doesn’t it?  To this previous fact (low income for my ex), since our divorce and subsequent court ordered payments she has made no effort to increase her income and who would and why? 

 

Lets examine this more closely shall we?  (I am going to calculate like she is a single person) - She makes $40,000 (gross income) a year. 

·        Net Provincial Tax is $2,204.00

·        Net Federal Tax is $6,433.00

·        Net income after taxes is $31,363 or $1306.92 every 2 weeks or $2,613.58 a month.

·        Her rent at her current place is $1,600.00

·        That leavers her with $1,013.58

·        Gas/Utilities/Cable/Phone is $320

·        Drops her to $693.58.

·        Insurance for her car, home insurance, cell phone, other expenses is another $225 a month.

·        Drops her to $468.58

·        Okay lets talk about what I pay her – add in excess of $3000 a month.  Oh my, that’s a very good life.

 

Sock some of that money away for her retirement and everything is rosy.  God that is a good life. 

 

The Federal and Provincial guidelines also fail to balance the equation should you take additional care of your children.  You actually make less and less take home pay the more you take care of your children because the line in the formula is around 40%.   

 

Nobody said life was fair.

Into Extinction Day 91 (crossing the line)

There seems to be a moment during the divorce when someone crosses the line and the gloves come off.  The hurt is too much too bear and that son-of-a-bitch is going to pay.  I want to remind you of one fact - what goes around comes around as I was reminded of that the other day.  Almost every single blog I read about on here or other blogging sites seems to come down to that. 

I am not saying this is the exclusive domain of women either but it seems to be that one party suggests a possible solution which so outrages the other party – that the fight is on.  Having lived with this person for a long time, you know where the chinks in the armor are.   I suppose for most divorces the gloves have to come off.  How else could you express your angry and hurt at the betrayal.   You thought this was going to last a lifetime and it doesn’t.   This is the last opportunity to prove your side and your points but my advice is it isn’t worth it.  If she/he could have seen your side, it would have never come to this anyways.  Save your anger for therapy.

The business of the actual divorce is quite impersonal.  A lot of the emotional baggage doesn’t come into play.  Just the facts, remember that its about facts. 

The Top Ten Myths of Divorce

Discussion of the most common misinformation about divorce

David Popenoe

1        Because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages.

Although many people who divorce have successful subsequent marriages, the divorce rate of remarriages is in fact higher than that of first marriages.1

 2        Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing.

Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have a considerably higher chance of eventually divorcing.  The reasons for this are not well understood.  In part, the type of people who are willing to cohabit may also be those who are more willing to divorce.  There is some evidence that the act of cohabitation itself generates attitudes in people that are more conducive to divorce, for example the attitude that relationships are temporary and easily can be ended.2 

 

 3        Divorce may cause problems for many of the children who are affected by it, but by and large these problems are not long lasting and the children recover relatively quickly.

 

Divorce increases the risk of interpersonal problems in children. There is evidence, both from small qualitative studies and from large-scale, long-term empirical studies, that many of these problems are long lasting.  In fact, they may even become worse in adulthood.3 

 

 4        Having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce.

Many studies have shown that the most stressful time in a marriage is after the first child is born.  Couples who have a child together have a slightly decreased risk of divorce compared to couples without children, but the decreased risk is far less than it used to be when parents with marital problems were more likely to stay together “for the sake of the children.”4

 5        Following divorce, the woman’s standard of living plummets by seventy three percent while that of the man’s improves by forty two percent.

This dramatic inequity, one of the most widely publicized statistics from the social sciences, was later found to be based on a faulty calculation.  A reanalysis of the data determined that the woman’s loss was twenty seven percent while the man’s gain was ten percent. Irrespective of the magnitude of the differences, the gender gap is real and seems not to have narrowed much in recent decades.5 

 6        When parents don’t get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together.

A recent large-scale, long-term study suggests otherwise.  While it found that parents’ marital unhappiness and discord have a broad negative impact on virtually every dimension of their children’s well-being, so does the fact of going through a divorce. In examining the negative impacts on children more closely, the study discovered that it was only the children in very high conflict homes who benefited from the conflict removal that divorce may bring.  In lower-conflict marriages that end in divorce—and the study found that perhaps as many as two thirds of the divorces were of this type—the situation of the children was made much worse following a divorce. Based on the findings of this study, therefore, except in the minority of high-conflict marriages it is better for the children if their parents stay together and work out their problems than if they divorce.6 

 

 7        Because they are more cautious in entering marital relationships and also have a strong determination to avoid the possibility of divorce, children who grow up in a home broken by divorce tend to have as much success in their own marriages as those from intact homes.

Marriages of the children of divorce actually have a much higher rate of divorce than the marriages of children from intact families.  A major reason for this, according to a recent study, is that children learn about marital commitment or permanence by observing their parents. In the children of divorce, the sense of commitment to a lifelong marriage has been undermined.7  

 8        Following divorce, the children involved are better off in stepfamilies than in single-parent families.

The evidence suggests that stepfamilies are no improvement over single-parent families, even though typically income levels are higher and there is a father figure in the home.  Stepfamilies tend to have their own set of problems, including interpersonal conflicts with new parent figures and a very high risk of family breakup.8 

 9    Being very unhappy at certain points in a marriage is a good sign that the marriage will eventually end in divorce.

All marriages have their ups and downs.  Recent research using a large national sample found that eighty six percent of people who were unhappily married in the late 1980s, and stayed with the marriage, indicated when interviewed five years later that they were happier. Indeed, three fifths of the formerly unhappily married couples rated their marriages as either “very happy” or “quite happy.”9  

  10 It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings

Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women.  One recent study found that many of the reasons for this have to do with the nature of our divorce laws.  For example, in most states women have a good chance of receiving custody of their children.  Because women more strongly want to keep their children with them, in states where there is a presumption of shared custody with the husband the percentage of women who initiate divorces is much lower.10   Also, the higher rate of women initiators is probably due to the fact that men are more likely to be “badly behaved.” Husbands, for example, are more likely than wives to have problems with drinking, drug abuse, and infidelity.

 

Into Extinction Day 92 (I had my ex, I could have…)

I am reminded of these lyrics as I move through my life right now.  Its seems very relevant.

We’ve all seen the man at the liquor store beggin’ for your change
The hair on his face is dirty dread locked and full of mange
He asks a man for what he could spare with shame in his eyes
“Get a job you fucking slob ” is all he replies
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes
‘Cause then you really might know what it’s like to sing the blues
Chorus
Then you really might know what it’s like…
Then you really might know what it’s like…
Then you really might know what it’s like…
Then you really might know what it’s like…
Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom that said he was in love
He said, “Don’t worry about a thing, baby doll
I’m the man you’ve been dreaming of.”
But 3 months later he say he won’t date her or return her call
And she swear, “God damn, if I find that man I’m cuttin’ off his
Balls.”
And then she heads for the clinic and
She gets some static walking through the door
They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner
And they call her a whore
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
‘Cause then you really might know what it’s like to have to choose
Chorus
I’ve seen a rich man beg
I’ve seen a good man sin
I’ve seen a tough man cry
I’ve seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie
I’ve seen the good side of bad
And the downside of up
And everything between
I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
And smoked the finest green
I stroked the baddest dimes at least a couple of times
Before I broke their heart
You know where it ends, yo, it usually depends on where you start
I knew this kid named Max
Who used to get fat stacks out on the corner with drugs
He liked to hang out late
He liked to get shit-faced and keep the pace with thugs
Until late one night there was a big gun fight and Max lost his head
He pulled out his chrome .45, talked some shit, and wound up dead
Now his wife and his kids are caught in the midst of all of this pain
You know it crumbles that way
At least that’s what they say when you play the game
God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news
‘Cause then you really might know what it’s like to have to lose
Then you really might know what it’s like…
Then you really might know what it’s like…
Then you really might know what it’s like…to have to lose

Okay, I have the opportunity, the chance to change it all.   A series of items happened and they are:

1.  My ex went to Toronto for a week and left the children home alone.

2.  When my daughter went to the hospital for surgery, my ex went to Toronto for the week, leaving my daughter alone (you may ask where was I - I wasn’t told until after it happened).

3.  In the last week, my ex sent me a lengthly email telling me my daugther wants to commit suicide.

Of course my first thought is for my daughter, helping her, and talking to her.

But FUCK!  I was right all along.  I didn’t want to be right but it pissed me off.  I was in court, telling her lawyer, my lawyer and the judge, my ex was NEVER there to take care of the children.  I argued that my ex spent most of her time working with the office door closed and locked.  I argued that my ex traveled and spent long hours out of the home.   I argued that she rarely took the time to actually care for the children.  I presented examples from my experience and talked at length.   The reason I argued against this was because her spousal support was based on this face.  The judge didn’t listen to me as my ex argued that she spent the majority of her time taking care of the children.  Well, suck it up, life isn’t fair.

This out of everything I lost was the hardest to swallow.  I paid her and she lied in court.  This woman who was close to God, and to her church.   Hmmm, can you say the system is slanted towards the woman?  What has to happen here?  Does my daughter actually have to lose her life?  I accused my ex of verbal and physically abuse and nobody listened to me.  How could a 105lb woman be abusing a 200lb man?  There are no support systems for abused men.  No man’s shelter for us.  Oh, no, first you have to convince people, emasculate yourself.  Convince individuals, the government and your friends that you are the weaker man.

Well, since learning of my daughter’s problem - I jump into action.  I called my daughter and talked to her.  I setup a series of sessions for us (my ex has already tried counseling for my daughter but the councilors couldn’t find anything - gee, I wonder why - perhaps the threat of returning to the ex?).  Then having a few minutes to myself I think, I could really gut my ex.  I could expose her for the  abuse… See this web link for stuff about verbal abuse.   http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/f/verba_abuse.htm

I have to admit, it made me happy.  To get back some of my own.  To be perfectly and exactly right.  But, as my best friend and girlfriend said to me as we were getting dinner - whats in your blog.  This blog I write into and express my own frustration - she was right.  As much as I wanted my revenge, its not right.  Damn!  Sometimes I really hate it when she is so right.  Thank you GF.

Into Extinction – Day 90 (suicide and the divorced father)

I have a complete understanding of why he did this.  See this link >>> http://www.glennsacks.com/distraught_fathers_courthouse.htm

 

I don’t want this knowledge but whenever the news talks about a separated couple and the man commits suicide I understand, empathize and I have compassion for him.  What mystifies me is everyone else’s lack of understanding.  I believe (I have said this in early posts) that individuals don’t understand what happens to a man when the divorce occurs.

 

Suicide is still seen by many as an inherent weakness or flaw or some psychosis within the man.  But I hypothesize a different condition that moves a man into this position.  When you strip a man of everything for the sake of the “children” and given his “ex” to power to destroy his life what do you think is going to happen?  Here the female now has the power and ability of the government and judicial system to make that man pay.  It’s so empowering for the female.  Everyone around her including her friends, her lawyer and Maintenance Enforcement are encouraging her to get the “bastard”.   He fucked me around, well just let me show him what is going to happen next.  I will make that fucker pay. 

 

First, I am not suggesting all ex-wives are like this.  However when her emotions are stirred up, hell hath no fury.  Lawyers for the ex-wives should take responsibility in this action as well.  These lawyers are coaching these ex-wives to go for the jugular to get as much as possible from the bastard – squeeze that little prick dry.  If the lawyer and the ex-wife truly understood a life stood in the balance, I wonder what they would do.

 

In my case (and I have said this earlier) I realized this is exactly what was happening.  How do I know?  Because my ex also sued me for cat support.  Yes she wanted money to support the cat as well.  I know this sounds ridiculous when you talk about it outside the court of law but imagine if she had been awarded that $300 a month she was asking for.  As I was leaving the court, in the small chamber off to one side, I saw my ex-wife’s lawyer, she was dancing and talking into the phone, “we got the bastard.”  All I wanted was a fair and equitable settlement.   She was out to gut me.

 

So excuse me that if in the end, when everything has been taken away, a man only sees suicide as the way out.  I understand this perfectly.  As others “tisk, tisk” this away seeing the individual as mentally imbalanced – I see another man disemboweled and emasculated by his ex-wife using the tools placed in her hands by her lawyer and the government.  The blood of this individual and all others are the responsibility of the ex-wife and the government.  It’s a god-damn pity.   

 

Into Extinction – Day 89 (maybe prison is better than support)

 

I have wondered since finding myself trapped in this legal prison how we could let this happen (by we I mean the public as a whole).   We live in a democracy.  However, by its very definition a democracy is based on majority rule - the doctrine that the numerical majority of an organized group can make decisions binding on the whole group.   

 

I believe this probably started out with the best of intentions.  There were a number of dads not paying and thumbing their nose at the government and the rule of law.  The rule of law defines the very basis of any democracy and is defined as “One of the cornerstones of democratic society, meaning that everyone is subject to the law. It is not just the rule that everyone is covered by the Criminal Code and you must be charged and convicted if appropriate. …”  Basically, what this means is everyone is equal before a court of law and Habeas Corpus.  Habeas Corpus being defined as “writ commanding that a person be brought before a judge. Most commonly, a writ of habeas corpus is a legal document that forces law enforcement…”  

 

In summary, this means if we are all equal, and we are guilty of a criminal offence than we should be brought before a judge and charged with our crimes.

 

Finally (I will be done pontificating on the law I mean), another crucial cornerstone of law and democracy is “The presumption of innocence — being innocent until proven guilty — is a legal right that the accused in criminal trials has in many modern nations. It states that no person shall be considered guilty until finally convicted by a court.”  This one appears to be thrown away under the guise of enacting all of this as law by provincial and federal courts – you don’t have an option – it’s the law.

 

See this link>>> http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070222.wweb0223/BNStory/Technology/

 

 

If for a minute, you think, ah, I am not divorced this doesn’t apply to me, my point is if they could do that here how about enforcing the following:

·       You owe money on your taxes.

·       You owe money on your property taxes.

·       By the way they can refuse you service in Alberta Canada if you haven’t paid your Alberta Health Premiums.

·       You are caught speeding.

It’s just that the Provincial and Federal government made such a great case out of getting deadbeat dads into this pickle why not expand it?   Wait, I know you are going to say, it’s not going to happen.  I might tell you I told you so later – I might or I might feel way too sorry for you to say anything.

 

I want this posting as a comparison to an actual prisoner in a medium security prison in Canada versus the prison imposed on fathers paying child and spousal support with the subsequent controls in place, as follows (you can skip right to summary page if you don’t want to listen to my whining and bitching):

 

·       The comparison will exclude the actual confinement itself in an institution, the understanding that locked behind bars is a far greater penalty than we face, I am more interested in the comparison of the rights of a individual charged and convicted of a crime versus those of us that went through the legal system and are faced with Maintenance Enforcement.

·       Reference:  Corrections and Conditional Release Act (1992, c.20).  This act is current to March 27, 2008.

·       Sections under Principles that guide the service (section 4 – g), offenders have a grievance procedure.  

o      Wow – unless we pay a lawyer, nobody hears our story.  No, no, this isn’t entirely true, you can send Maintenance Enforcement feedback but you have to provide information on yourself.  Who isn’t scared that the MEP will take it out on you?  Wait, they took everything already, my dignity, my life and my ability to work, just my ass is left.  They can have that if they want it. 

·       Sections under Principles that guide the service (section 4 – h), that correctional policies, programs and practices respect gender, ethnic, cultural and linguistic differences and be responsive to the special needs of women and aboriginal peoples, as well as to the needs of other groups of offenders with special requirements. 

o      I see nothing under Maintenance Enforcement that supports our needs as divorced dads.  Hmmm, we are forced to go a parent’s course and told what a bad parent is and what a good parent is.  Thank god they outlined that for me.  They didn’t deal with being abused by your ex in that course – strange?  They didn’t deal with suicide or depression in that course either?

o      Of course the icing on the cake might be when the Federal Government garnishes your wages they also tell you they will be charging you another fee to recover the cost of the garnish, this might be enough to push any man over the edge.

·       Compensation for Death or Disability – section 22.  The Minister or a person authorized by the Minister may, subject to and in accordance with the regulations, pay compensation in respect of the death or disability of (a) an inmate, or (b) a person on day parole that is attributable to the participation of that inmate or person in an approved program.

o      Compensation if a death occurs.  I believe if we pass on as debtors – MEP goes after our Estate.  Death, taxes and now MEP in the same list.  If you die in prison they give you money, if you die within MEP, they take your money.

·       General Living Conditions – section 69.  No person shall administer, instigate, consent to or acquiesce in any cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment or punishment of an offender.

o      Hmmm, I don’t believe we get this we do get inhumane and degrading treatment.  The last time I visited an MEP location, everyone with MEP was behind bullet proof glass.  I walked up to the front and a small speaker came on “Your Name and Social Insurance Number please”  I told her.  “Speak louder please I can’t hear you.”  Well so much for my privacy and dignity, should I get down on my knees now or later?

·       Payments to offenders - 78. (1) For the purpose of  (a) encouraging offenders to participate in programs provided by the Service, or  (b) providing financial assistance to offenders to facilitate their reintegration into the community, the Commissioner may authorize payments to offenders at rates approved by the Treasury Board.

o      Oh, god they get paid in prison.  They get paid!  Fucking great!  I get a swift kick in my balls once a month if I miss a payment and then they are chopped off if I miss too many payments.

·       Obligations of Service - 86. (1) The Service shall provide every inmate with (a) essential health care; and (b) reasonable access to non-essential mental health care that will contribute to the inmate’s rehabilitation and successful reintegration into the community.

o      So let me get this straight, I can’t afford my health care premiums anymore but if I was a prisoner in a provincial cell I could get decent healthcare.  Well, I think this fuckin system is working.

 

In summary:

Provincial/Federal Prisoner	Legal Prisoner of Maintenance Enforcement
3 square meals a day.	So sorry, your accounts are frozen and your ass in a sling – try eating sugar packets from the coffee room or those little ketchup packages in McDonalds.
Don’t like the way you are treated, you have a grievance procedure.	Don’t like the way you are treated, who gives 2 fucks?  Suck it up little man.
Special programs and requirements to address the unique needs of the prisoners.	One program to beat the living shit out of you.  Depressed?  Pay us.  No job?  Pay us.  Dead?  Pay us.  We will take you down little man.  Oh, and pay us administration fees when we take your money.
Die in prison?  The ministry provides compensation.	Die in Maintenance Enforcement?  A quick search of your pockets, strip the body and sell everything to pay off your support.
In prison, you cannot be subject to  any cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment or punishment of an offender.	Ah, Maintenance Enforcement, we just need to tweak that statement from the Federal Government - you will be subject to any cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment or punishment of an debtor.  That’s better.
Offenders are paid a salary to work within the prisons.	You pay, and pay, and pay, and pay, and pay, and pay, and pay.  Oh, if there’s nothing left – lets see what we can sell.
Every inmate is guaranteed health care.	Hmmm, don’t seem to have money to pay for health care, better not get sick and keel over.  That would be bad.

 

Its seems to me that if we just added strip searches to the Maintenance Enforcement program we could be sure we got everything.  However, it appears that Provincial and Federal prisoners have a better deal than being in Maintenance Enforcement – I hope nobody notices. 

 

Into Extinction – Day 88 (the silver bullet for divorce)

Author’s Note:  Before you dive into this posting, remember this is tongue-in-cheek for me, actually I harbor no ill-will towards my ex or any of the “ex’s”, I do however believe in Karma.  I intended to have a little fun with this posting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well I have found it; the silver bullet for all us divorced dads out there, pumping out money to Maintenance Enforcement with no chance of parole in a tiny little prison waiting for extinction.  It’s a bit of change but you could recover some of that lost income.  Okay, okay, the silver bullet is you have to switch teams.  Learn to play with a different set of balls.  Bat for the home team.  Run the bases like you never have before. 

 

Okay, I didn’t say it would be easy.  After all, I have no interior design sense, little fashion sense (I own maybe 3 pairs of shoes and my favorite color is blue), and I can’t put my little pinky up in the air whilst drinking coffee, tea or whatever.  Hmmm, this is turning into a slur on homosexuals which I didn’t intend for it to be but they may be our saving grace here gentlemen.  Check out this article >>> http://www.canada.com/edmontonjournal/news/letters/story.html?id=b1060631-fb75-4c77-8a62-0ddbf3098fbb

 

Okay it’s not my only suggestion, but there are precious few ideas floating around.  It’s like a silent underground.  It’s resonating – that just because we are men, we should just take it.  The pushing around, violation of rights and freedoms and everything else that goes with it.  Homosexuals have a better chance in court than you or I – this is crazy.  I am all for supporting my children but when you do this to me, it lessens me as a person and as a man.  You know what I am talking about.

 

So I have 2 maybe 3 other suggestions.  In order of priority:

 

1. Make less money.  The system is built around the fact that you as a man are geared to make the money.  It’s built into all of us (men) to pursue because we use it as a measuring stick to determine our usefulness at home and in business.   When we lose this control to the courts, we have failed as men.  It’s there in the back of your mind.  So make less money.  It’s contrary to everything I have pursued in my life however if I made less money than that soul-sucking bitch (um, whoops, I try not to name call – not professional), than there is less to take away.  For example:
   1. She makes $40,000 a year
   2. You make $125,000 a year, I don’t have to tell you what the payout is – the courts already did ($1746 for 2 children).
   3. You drop your income to $40,000 to match her. The previous amount paid out would have been $1746 for 2 children; the drop to 40k is now $573 for both children (a net difference of $1173).  I am not suggesting you don’t support your children, but the drop would definitely get her scrawny ass off the couch, shut off Oprah or Dr. Phil and start looking for work (ah, damn, there I go with the name calling again).   You situation may be different and you may do it for different reasons than me. 
2. Leave the country.  Lets face it, live in Canada abide by the laws, can’t stand the laws leave the country.  Let’s see there is Alaska, the United States, Mexico and bunch of 3^rd world countries below that.  Stay here in Canada and you be living like you already are in the 3^rd world, eating beans out of tin, heated by your car engine, and fuck - may as well be warm in some tropical paradise.  You could start a revolution in that 3^rd world tropical paradise and set your own agenda – no sycophantic-faced, back-biting, skinny, yelling, sorry assed - bitches in power.  You could own a 3^rd world country with enough determination.  Just remember – leave before Maintenance Enforcement gets wind of your dictatorial dreams and cancels your passport.  
3. And my personal favorite, fake your own death.  This requires considerable planning on your part, or you can just simply set a body on fire.  Planning is the key here and here are the steps:
   1. Pull out some of your own teeth to include in the death.  They might think to check you dental records – your other option is to destroy your own dental records.  What are a few teeth anyway?  It’s probably the only thing you have left that you own that the slack-assed, mealy mouthed, lazy little slut has grabbed onto or sued you for.
   2. Find a body – preferably dead – I am not out to create more murders here.  Check the morgue for Christ sake – wait for it and grab a body – have somewhere cold to store it.  God knows what the smell of a rotting corpse would bring into your apartment and accusations from her (you would be accused of necrophilia by the way – look it up I am not explaining everything to you).  Or hang around funeral homes, wait for a body, tell people attending the funeral - you need some alone-time with Uncle Frank and hump that body out back and into the trunk.  You knew this wasn’t going to be pleasant. 
   3. Plan the accident.  Probably the greatest coup that could happen here is if it gets pinned on your ex (huge shit-eating grin is now plastered across your face) – no wait, don’t do that, who is going to look after the children (sorry what I meant to say is who is going to yell, scream and berate the children) - but its okay to dream about it, just make sure it doesn’t become your reason for living.  Okay, now popular ways to fake your death (pause) and think about this people, the body must be unrecognizable but your wallet with your identification must survive for the cops.  So look at the most obvious fake death which is fire, electrocution, or drowning (in order of unrecognizable remains).  You must have an eyewitness to the drowning or who is going to know you drowned.   My preference, a good old fashioned fire, preferably a vehicle accident involving you being torched.   Set it up, not during rush hour because nobody else should be hurt.  Smack the car into a tree and torch it.  Home free – remember the matches, you can’t start the fire with the cigarette lighter in the car.  As far as fissionable material – use your divorce papers.
   4. Um, wait, before the fire, drowning or electrocution, you need to setup another series of identification.  Faking your own death does involve setting up a new life.  I suggest searching birth/death records, finding a child born the same year as you and dieing within the same week as they were born.  Write away for the birth certificate and bob’s your uncle.  New birth certificate equals a nice new credit rating, say thank you Mr. Legalprison for pulling my ass out of the fire.
   5. Attend your own funeral if you want but be prepared to see your ex dancing on your grave.  I won’t go, I might be tempted to jump up and yell “boo” to her, I am haunting you for the rest of your life.  If the skinny bitch collapses there with a heart attack I win (huge shit-eating grin is now plastered across your face).  Let go of that dream. 
   6. Start your new life.

 

There some practical suggestions to helping you move on with your life.  Add your own to the comments below.  We might all be able to come up with something to help each other.

Into Extinction Day 87 (does the moment define you - stop you in your life?)

You can either let the moment define you or you define the moment.  This is a nice trite saying but it can have meaning.  You can either carry around the baggage of what has happened to you and dump it on unsuspecting souls or move on.  My piece of advice is this, getting a divorce and going through the swing of emotions (yes, even for us guys) can only be shared by others with the same experience.   It is similar to experiencing the death of someone close to you.  Either you have experienced divorce and you can directly relate to it or you can’t, you just nod your head during the important parts. 

Try this link, died laughing >>> http://keboch.wordpress.com/2008/04/22/nothing-like-divorce/

My experience is moving on past the ex is easy.  After she carved up a bit of your inside, its easy to go forward.  Its the other parts that take a bit of work.  There are the children and the compexity of how to be with them without her.  My ex has not given up hope of us “co-parenting” as she continues to suggest.  However if she bothered to understand one single iota about me, she would realize how different we really are but as I discovered in the last parts of our failing marriage, she lacked the ability to really empathize with anyone else - this problem was not exlusive to me.  The following is a great example of what I mean:

I spoke with my 16-year old daughter before Christmas.  We had the sex talk between her and I.  I talked openly and frankly about sex with her.  The use of condoms and other aids to ensure she didn’t get pregnant.  My thinking at the time was, “She is bound to have sex no matter what.”  My daughter related to my conversation because I treated her like an adult because this is a very adult decisions every teenager is faced with.  My final comment to her was “once you have sex the first time, you can never take it back, that moment is gone.”

2 weeks after Christmas I got a call from my daughter.  It was a tense conversation.  She had sex and missed her period.  Okay I was a little amused, not at the predicament my daugther found herself in, but one for ex.  You see, my ex, is a bible thumping, god-fearing, ten commandments, the world is black and white, Catholic.  I couldn’t have thought anyone was more unprepared for this than her and yes it amused me.

My second thought as the amusement quickly went away was how my ex was going to torture my daugther.  The fire and brimestone speaches, the damnation, and of course, how could you do this to me.  What I hadn’t counted on was how my ex kept me as far away from this as possible.  She restriced my daughters to calls to me - what I mean my restricted was she didn’t allow my daughter to talk to me.  I found this interesting and contradictory because my ex said she would never get between the relationship I had with the children.  Like all things I had learned about my ex, all rules would be broken when the need arose in her line of thinking.

My ex went as far as to tell my daughter she was a virgin when she married me.  I nearly fell off my chair when I heard this.  Convenient lies to bring my daughter in line at the time.  My ex was no virgin when she married me.  Then to top it off, she (the ex) left me a message, telling me to not talk about my (our) sex life with my daughter.

It was and still is a control thing for my ex.  She was trying her best to control the entire situation including me.  As I negotiated with my ex to meet with my daugther to have a conversation about her current predicatment, my ex reminded me, very clearly, of the reasons I had left her.  She had a long list of items I could not talk about if I was going to see my daughter.  It was manipulation at its best, she had me by the short hairs because I needed to talk to my daugther so I broke 2 cardinal rules I had told myself I would never break, and these are:

1. I would never speak directly to my ex.
2. I would never go directly to my ex’s.

This was to keep myself a safe distance from her manipulation.  I broke these rules not for myself but for my daughter.  My ex maximized on that moment to exert her control over me.  It was one of the most difficult moments since our breakup.  However, this was a normal course of action for my ex.   She even had her sister over there as they plotted on how to control my daughter.  Phones were removed and the computer was taken away.  For me, I thought this was incredible naive of both of them, the horse was already out of the barn.  The part I really feel for my daughter was the grilling and interrogation she went under.  The yelling and screaming by my ex and her sister.  Nobody should go through this and I was reminded at that moment how I had lost this battle in court.  My children would be greater victims of abuse than I was.

I met with my daughter and offered her these words:

1. “You don’t owe anyone an explanation for what happened.”
2. “Whatever decision you make, you will live with it for the rest of life.”
3. “Unfortunately, the family you live in, they will never let you forget what you have done here.  You will be branded with this mistake forever.”

My daughter asked me how I could be so calm about what had happened.  I explained to her that no amout of punishment was going to help the situation, the best outcome was that my daughter had made an adult decision to have sex, and now she was faced with the adult decision of what to do next.  This was punishment enough in my books.  My compassionate handling of what happened to my daugther is easy to explain.  My ex and her family would torture (no I am not overstating this) my daughter for years about this.  It was unfair and unjust but thats the way they are.

My daughter in the end, chose to have an abortion.  My own personal opinion was that my daughter should have an abortion but I kept the opinion to myself.  I just gave the facts to my daughter as she made her decision.  This prompted a 2am voicemail on my cell phone from my ex.  Tears and rage in my voicemail as my ex said my daugther had killed a human being.   Great, just great, I thought, there is an unstable structure if I ever saw one. 

When my daughter had the abortion I wasn’t told.  My ex kept me in the dark (although if she is reading this she would tell you otherwise) - its important for my ex to keep up appearances as the injured party or victim in all of this.  To make matters worse, my ex flew to Toronto for meetings and my daughter went through the abortion alone.  I couldn’t believe this, after all the speech making in court my ex had made about the care of the children.

When I finally manage to have lunch with my daugther I told her one thing, “I am proud of you, you made a very difficult decision and you stuck by it.  You don’t owe anybody an explanation.”

As for my ex, I abhor the way she handled the situation with daugther.  Utilizing punitive measures such as taking everything away from my daughter and her contact with me was unconscionable.  It brought back all the reasons I left her and I realized now my children were taking the brunt of it.  Hard to sleep at night knowing this.

Into Extinction Day 86 (the money, the money, the money, how is she spending it?)

Don’t get me wrong, I have done a lot of whining and bitching about what has happened to me lately but I am a proponent of paying child support.  I was examining the concept and action of a “deadbeat dad”.  Which according to the definitions I have found is “a father who defaults on his obligation to provide financial support for his offspring”.  I found an article in the reader’s digest - an older article but still relevant nonetheless - http://www.readersdigest.ca/debate.html?a=v&di=118.

What I find interesting about most articles is the out of balance in the system and I doubt will ever get addressed.  The local, Provincal and Federal governments are now phenomenally good at finding, punishing and extracting money from the fathers.  As mentioned previously, they take everything away, including your ability to drive, work and obtain the basis necessities of life.  It’s for the children they say however what about:

• There seems to be no way of addressing where the money once collected goes?  Although the system extracts financial statments from the men and a complete listing of everything in their lives, nothing is required from the mother?  It is assumed that mom can do no wrong - that the money will be spent on the children and their education.  Upholding the mom as a downtrodden figure helps to give enormous power to the legislation is naive.  It allows one party complete and utter control over another.  As William Congreve said, “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned”.  I would suggest that both parties be held accoutable in the system - this probably won’t happen as the system sees the “bad” guys as the “debtors” as Maintenance Enforcement puts it.
• What if the man’s postion changes?  He gets sick or god forbid depressed?  Now there is a problem.  The system is setup to be immediately suspious of the man’s intent.  You have to submit a financial statement with the threat of 3 years in prison should Maintenance Enforcement find anything wrong.  If the woman’s position changes - lets say gets better?  Who cares - the man has to continue paying.
• Let’s help the woman I say.  I know this sounds strange but if all this is about maintaining the life of the children why wouldn’t we help the women to better to their position?  I mean, the man can’t pay forever - he will eventually die and its hard to get money from a corpse.  However the system is setup to