Into Extinction – Day 94 (Abused? It matters not in court…)

I remember when it first occurred to me, that there might be a serious problem beyond my capabilities and experience in my previous marriage.  I was at her parent’s house; we were watching old 8mm films of her childhood.  At certain points during the film when my ex was feeling picked on or abused by her own family something very peculiar happened, she would wave her arms up and down in a flapping motion, then as the abuse contained from either her mother or father, she would re-treat and drawn into herself, curling up in a ball and rocking herself – her only comfort was herself.  Everyone in her family always laughs when this comes up in the film and I was alarmed because I had seen this behavior before.

 

Whenever she and I had a significant fight and she felt she was on losing, she would re-treat.  She would retreat into our walk-in closet, shut off the light and rock herself back and forth.  At first, I left her alone.  Then after one episode, she explained to me it was my job to go in and comfort her – so I did.  What resulted was manipulation.  In order to get her to stop this behavior I had to agree to all sorts of things – I enabled the situation.  Looking back now, I wonder how and why I ever got myself into this situation with her.   

 

As I have mentioned in the previous posts, she was emotional and verbally abusive to me.  She would strip me to down to nothing through a barrage of interrogation techniques.  She is by the far the best at this I have ever seen in my life.  She still scares me.   I was naïve enough to think this would matter in court.  I spent significant time researching and pulling data forward and providing comparisons.  I talked to psychiatrists and health care professionals but after I read the current case law, I began to realize she could have broken both my arms and it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference in a court of law. 

 

What amazes me is her outside persona.  You wouldn’t know it.  She is entirely capable of knock down brawl one moment and sweetly answering the phone the next second.  In court, she was sweet and demure, the picture of someone set upon by her vicious and cruel ex-husband.  Now that is skill and one I do not have.  Not having this skill and recognizing it in her, I keep as far away as possible from her.  She scares me, I never quite sure what she is capable of.     

 

She did accuse me of molesting my children.  Remember there is no line she won’t cross.  After numerous sessions with a child psychiatrist there was nothing to be found because I didn’t molest my children but the damage was done.  She forgets that she did this in the early part of the divorce proceedings but that is something I don’t forget easily, that hurt me. 

 

And don’t think for a second I blame everything on my ex-wife.  You would be wrong.  I enabled the situation.  I did stupid, hurtful things as well.  I am held accountable for my decisions – however she is not.  There isn’t a day that goes by I wonder what she is doing to the children. 

Into Extinction Day 93 (bad news, its not getting better)

You know, I want to think of my case in the province of Alberta as unique.  That not every man is being bent over by the government and Maintenance Enforcement and given the spousal support enema.  But the more I read, I realize its pretty damn common.  

 

I was on one of my other websites and they were talking about a father who had stopped all payments and health support for the children.  Now this might be the case, but I think it’s important to step back a little and not be so quick to judge but I was wrong.  The word deadbeat dad came out so fast – it was well – very disappointing.   The media has done a fantastic job of painting fathers into this corner.  So fabulous was this job, that the Federal, Provincial and local judges have jumped onboard.  It is presumed by those in higher authority that you will try to skip the judgments.   However when you look at the actual statistics its less than 1% of us deadbeat dads that don’t pay however we all get painted with the same brush.  Equality be damned.  If you, the deadbeat dad, were to speak up on this injustice, I am sure everyone would be thinking he is trying to weasel his way out of paying.  It’s a corrupt and foolish system in place today.

 

If you access the website from the Federal Government (http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/sup-pen/pub/guide/qa-qr.html#2) they do a fantastic job of telling you what you should pay.  They don’t explain the formula in great detail and here is another bit of interesting news from the Feds:

 

“The receiving parent is expected to contribute a similar share of his or her income to meet the costs of raising the child. The standards of living of the child and the receiving parent are inseparable because the child resides in his or her household. This approach allows the children to continue to share in increases or decreases in their parents’ income, just as they would have if the two parents had continued to live together.”

 

Really I am highly amused by this.  While there are rules and penalties for the deadbeat dad I don’t see any for the mother.  As a matter of fact, she could spend her entire income at the 7-Eleven and who would care?  As a matter of fact, it is important that my ex make as little money as possible thereby increasing her monthly take of my income.  The system really does screw you over doesn’t it?  To this previous fact (low income for my ex), since our divorce and subsequent court ordered payments she has made no effort to increase her income and who would and why? 

 

Lets examine this more closely shall we?  (I am going to calculate like she is a single person) – She makes $40,000 (gross income) a year. 

·        Net Provincial Tax is $2,204.00

·        Net Federal Tax is $6,433.00

·        Net income after taxes is $31,363 or $1306.92 every 2 weeks or $2,613.58 a month.

·        Her rent at her current place is $1,600.00

·        That leavers her with $1,013.58

·        Gas/Utilities/Cable/Phone is $320

·        Drops her to $693.58.

·        Insurance for her car, home insurance, cell phone, other expenses is another $225 a month.

·        Drops her to $468.58

·        Okay lets talk about what I pay her – add in excess of $3000 a month.  Oh my, that’s a very good life.

 

Sock some of that money away for her retirement and everything is rosy.  God that is a good life. 

 

The Federal and Provincial guidelines also fail to balance the equation should you take additional care of your children.  You actually make less and less take home pay the more you take care of your children because the line in the formula is around 40%.   

 

Nobody said life was fair.

Into Extinction Day 91 (crossing the line)

There seems to be a moment during the divorce when someone crosses the line and the gloves come off.  The hurt is too much too bear and that son-of-a-bitch is going to pay.  I want to remind you of one fact – what goes around comes around as I was reminded of that the other day.  Almost every single blog I read about on here or other blogging sites seems to come down to that. 

I am not saying this is the exclusive domain of women either but it seems to be that one party suggests a possible solution which so outrages the other party – that the fight is on.  Having lived with this person for a long time, you know where the chinks in the armor are.   I suppose for most divorces the gloves have to come off.  How else could you express your angry and hurt at the betrayal.   You thought this was going to last a lifetime and it doesn’t.   This is the last opportunity to prove your side and your points but my advice is it isn’t worth it.  If she/he could have seen your side, it would have never come to this anyways.  Save your anger for therapy.

The business of the actual divorce is quite impersonal.  A lot of the emotional baggage doesn’t come into play.  Just the facts, remember that its about facts. 

The Top Ten Myths of Divorce

Discussion of the most common misinformation about divorce

David Popenoe

1        Because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages.

Although many people who divorce have successful subsequent marriages, the divorce rate of remarriages is in fact higher than that of first marriages.1

 2        Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing.

Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have a considerably higher chance of eventually divorcing.  The reasons for this are not well understood.  In part, the type of people who are willing to cohabit may also be those who are more willing to divorce.  There is some evidence that the act of cohabitation itself generates attitudes in people that are more conducive to divorce, for example the attitude that relationships are temporary and easily can be ended.2 

 

 3        Divorce may cause problems for many of the children who are affected by it, but by and large these problems are not long lasting and the children recover relatively quickly.

 

Divorce increases the risk of interpersonal problems in children. There is evidence, both from small qualitative studies and from large-scale, long-term empirical studies, that many of these problems are long lasting.  In fact, they may even become worse in adulthood.3 

 

 4        Having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce.

Many studies have shown that the most stressful time in a marriage is after the first child is born.  Couples who have a child together have a slightly decreased risk of divorce compared to couples without children, but the decreased risk is far less than it used to be when parents with marital problems were more likely to stay together “for the sake of the children.”4

 5        Following divorce, the woman’s standard of living plummets by seventy three percent while that of the man’s improves by forty two percent.

This dramatic inequity, one of the most widely publicized statistics from the social sciences, was later found to be based on a faulty calculation.  A reanalysis of the data determined that the woman’s loss was twenty seven percent while the man’s gain was ten percent. Irrespective of the magnitude of the differences, the gender gap is real and seems not to have narrowed much in recent decades.5 

 6        When parents don’t get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together.

A recent large-scale, long-term study suggests otherwise.  While it found that parents’ marital unhappiness and discord have a broad negative impact on virtually every dimension of their children’s well-being, so does the fact of going through a divorce. In examining the negative impacts on children more closely, the study discovered that it was only the children in very high conflict homes who benefited from the conflict removal that divorce may bring.  In lower-conflict marriages that end in divorce—and the study found that perhaps as many as two thirds of the divorces were of this type—the situation of the children was made much worse following a divorce. Based on the findings of this study, therefore, except in the minority of high-conflict marriages it is better for the children if their parents stay together and work out their problems than if they divorce.6 

 

 7        Because they are more cautious in entering marital relationships and also have a strong determination to avoid the possibility of divorce, children who grow up in a home broken by divorce tend to have as much success in their own marriages as those from intact homes.

Marriages of the children of divorce actually have a much higher rate of divorce than the marriages of children from intact families.  A major reason for this, according to a recent study, is that children learn about marital commitment or permanence by observing their parents. In the children of divorce, the sense of commitment to a lifelong marriage has been undermined.7  

 8        Following divorce, the children involved are better off in stepfamilies than in single-parent families.

The evidence suggests that stepfamilies are no improvement over single-parent families, even though typically income levels are higher and there is a father figure in the home.  Stepfamilies tend to have their own set of problems, including interpersonal conflicts with new parent figures and a very high risk of family breakup.8 

 9    Being very unhappy at certain points in a marriage is a good sign that the marriage will eventually end in divorce.

All marriages have their ups and downs.  Recent research using a large national sample found that eighty six percent of people who were unhappily married in the late 1980s, and stayed with the marriage, indicated when interviewed five years later that they were happier. Indeed, three fifths of the formerly unhappily married couples rated their marriages as either “very happy” or “quite happy.”9  

  10 It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings

Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women.  One recent study found that many of the reasons for this have to do with the nature of our divorce laws.  For example, in most states women have a good chance of receiving custody of their children.  Because women more strongly want to keep their children with them, in states where there is a presumption of shared custody with the husband the percentage of women who initiate divorces is much lower.10   Also, the higher rate of women initiators is probably due to the fact that men are more likely to be “badly behaved.” Husbands, for example, are more likely than wives to have problems with drinking, drug abuse, and infidelity.

 

Into Extinction Day 92 (I had my ex, I could have…)

I am reminded of these lyrics as I move through my life right now.  Its seems very relevant.

We’ve all seen the man at the liquor store beggin’ for your change
The hair on his face is dirty dread locked and full of mange
He asks a man for what he could spare with shame in his eyes
“Get a job you fucking slob ” is all he replies
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes
‘Cause then you really might know what it’s like to sing the blues
Chorus
Then you really might know what it’s like…
Then you really might know what it’s like…
Then you really might know what it’s like…
Then you really might know what it’s like…
Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom that said he was in love
He said, “Don’t worry about a thing, baby doll
I’m the man you’ve been dreaming of.”
But 3 months later he say he won’t date her or return her call
And she swear, “God damn, if I find that man I’m cuttin’ off his
Balls.”
And then she heads for the clinic and
She gets some static walking through the door
They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner
And they call her a whore
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
‘Cause then you really might know what it’s like to have to choose
Chorus
I’ve seen a rich man beg
I’ve seen a good man sin
I’ve seen a tough man cry
I’ve seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie
I’ve seen the good side of bad
And the downside of up
And everything between
I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
And smoked the finest green
I stroked the baddest dimes at least a couple of times
Before I broke their heart
You know where it ends, yo, it usually depends on where you start
I knew this kid named Max
Who used to get fat stacks out on the corner with drugs
He liked to hang out late
He liked to get shit-faced and keep the pace with thugs
Until late one night there was a big gun fight and Max lost his head
He pulled out his chrome .45, talked some shit, and wound up dead
Now his wife and his kids are caught in the midst of all of this pain
You know it crumbles that way
At least that’s what they say when you play the game
God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news
‘Cause then you really might know what it’s like to have to lose
Then you really might know what it’s like…
Then you really might know what it’s like…
Then you really might know what it’s like…to have to lose

Okay, I have the opportunity, the chance to change it all.   A series of items happened and they are:

1.  My ex went to Toronto for a week and left the children home alone.

2.  When my daughter went to the hospital for surgery, my ex went to Toronto for the week, leaving my daughter alone (you may ask where was I – I wasn’t told until after it happened).

3.  In the last week, my ex sent me a lengthly email telling me my daugther wants to commit suicide.

Of course my first thought is for my daughter, helping her, and talking to her.

But FUCK!  I was right all along.  I didn’t want to be right but it pissed me off.  I was in court, telling her lawyer, my lawyer and the judge, my ex was NEVER there to take care of the children.  I argued that my ex spent most of her time working with the office door closed and locked.  I argued that my ex traveled and spent long hours out of the home.   I argued that she rarely took the time to actually care for the children.  I presented examples from my experience and talked at length.   The reason I argued against this was because her spousal support was based on this face.  The judge didn’t listen to me as my ex argued that she spent the majority of her time taking care of the children.  Well, suck it up, life isn’t fair.

This out of everything I lost was the hardest to swallow.  I paid her and she lied in court.  This woman who was close to God, and to her church.   Hmmm, can you say the system is slanted towards the woman?  What has to happen here?  Does my daughter actually have to lose her life?  I accused my ex of verbal and physically abuse and nobody listened to me.  How could a 105lb woman be abusing a 200lb man?  There are no support systems for abused men.  No man’s shelter for us.  Oh, no, first you have to convince people, emasculate yourself.  Convince individuals, the government and your friends that you are the weaker man.

Well, since learning of my daughter’s problem – I jump into action.  I called my daughter and talked to her.  I setup a series of sessions for us (my ex has already tried counseling for my daughter but the councilors couldn’t find anything – gee, I wonder why – perhaps the threat of returning to the ex?).  Then having a few minutes to myself I think, I could really gut my ex.  I could expose her for the  abuse… See this web link for stuff about verbal abuse.   http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/f/verba_abuse.htm

I have to admit, it made me happy.  To get back some of my own.  To be perfectly and exactly right.  But, as my best friend and girlfriend said to me as we were getting dinner – whats in your blog.  This blog I write into and express my own frustration – she was right.  As much as I wanted my revenge, its not right.  Damn!  Sometimes I really hate it when she is so right.  Thank you GF.

Into Extinction – Day 90 (suicide and the divorced father)

I have a complete understanding of why he did this.  See this link >>> http://www.glennsacks.com/distraught_fathers_courthouse.htm

 

I don’t want this knowledge but whenever the news talks about a separated couple and the man commits suicide I understand, empathize and I have compassion for him.  What mystifies me is everyone else’s lack of understanding.  I believe (I have said this in early posts) that individuals don’t understand what happens to a man when the divorce occurs.

 

Suicide is still seen by many as an inherent weakness or flaw or some psychosis within the man.  But I hypothesize a different condition that moves a man into this position.  When you strip a man of everything for the sake of the “children” and given his “ex” to power to destroy his life what do you think is going to happen?  Here the female now has the power and ability of the government and judicial system to make that man pay.  It’s so empowering for the female.  Everyone around her including her friends, her lawyer and Maintenance Enforcement are encouraging her to get the “bastard”.   He fucked me around, well just let me show him what is going to happen next.  I will make that fucker pay. 

 

First, I am not suggesting all ex-wives are like this.  However when her emotions are stirred up, hell hath no fury.  Lawyers for the ex-wives should take responsibility in this action as well.  These lawyers are coaching these ex-wives to go for the jugular to get as much as possible from the bastard – squeeze that little prick dry.  If the lawyer and the ex-wife truly understood a life stood in the balance, I wonder what they would do.

 

In my case (and I have said this earlier) I realized this is exactly what was happening.  How do I know?  Because my ex also sued me for cat support.  Yes she wanted money to support the cat as well.  I know this sounds ridiculous when you talk about it outside the court of law but imagine if she had been awarded that $300 a month she was asking for.  As I was leaving the court, in the small chamber off to one side, I saw my ex-wife’s lawyer, she was dancing and talking into the phone, “we got the bastard.”  All I wanted was a fair and equitable settlement.   She was out to gut me.

 

So excuse me that if in the end, when everything has been taken away, a man only sees suicide as the way out.  I understand this perfectly.  As others “tisk, tisk” this away seeing the individual as mentally imbalanced – I see another man disemboweled and emasculated by his ex-wife using the tools placed in her hands by her lawyer and the government.  The blood of this individual and all others are the responsibility of the ex-wife and the government.  It’s a god-damn pity.   

 

Into Extinction – Day 89 (maybe prison is better than support)

 

I have wondered since finding myself trapped in this legal prison how we could let this happen (by we I mean the public as a whole).   We live in a democracy.  However, by its very definition a democracy is based on majority rule – the doctrine that the numerical majority of an organized group can make decisions binding on the whole group.   

 

I believe this probably started out with the best of intentions.  There were a number of dads not paying and thumbing their nose at the government and the rule of law.  The rule of law defines the very basis of any democracy and is defined as “One of the cornerstones of democratic society, meaning that everyone is subject to the law. It is not just the rule that everyone is covered by the Criminal Code and you must be charged and convicted if appropriate. …”  Basically, what this means is everyone is equal before a court of law and Habeas Corpus.  Habeas Corpus being defined as “writ commanding that a person be brought before a judge. Most commonly, a writ of habeas corpus is a legal document that forces law enforcement…”  

 

In summary, this means if we are all equal, and we are guilty of a criminal offence than we should be brought before a judge and charged with our crimes.

 

Finally (I will be done pontificating on the law I mean), another crucial cornerstone of law and democracy is “The presumption of innocence — being innocent until proven guilty — is a legal right that the accused in criminal trials has in many modern nations. It states that no person shall be considered guilty until finally convicted by a court.”  This one appears to be thrown away under the guise of enacting all of this as law by provincial and federal courts – you don’t have an option – it’s the law.

 

See this link>>> http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070222.wweb0223/BNStory/Technology/

 

 

If for a minute, you think, ah, I am not divorced this doesn’t apply to me, my point is if they could do that here how about enforcing the following:

·       You owe money on your taxes.

·       You owe money on your property taxes.

·       By the way they can refuse you service in Alberta Canada if you haven’t paid your Alberta Health Premiums.

·       You are caught speeding.

It’s just that the Provincial and Federal government made such a great case out of getting deadbeat dads into this pickle why not expand it?   Wait, I know you are going to say, it’s not going to happen.  I might tell you I told you so later – I might or I might feel way too sorry for you to say anything.

 

I want this posting as a comparison to an actual prisoner in a medium security prison in Canada versus the prison imposed on fathers paying child and spousal support with the subsequent controls in place, as follows (you can skip right to summary page if you don’t want to listen to my whining and bitching):

 

·       The comparison will exclude the actual confinement itself in an institution, the understanding that locked behind bars is a far greater penalty than we face, I am more interested in the comparison of the rights of a individual charged and convicted of a crime versus those of us that went through the legal system and are faced with Maintenance Enforcement.

·       Reference:  Corrections and Conditional Release Act (1992, c.20).  This act is current to March 27, 2008.

·       Sections under Principles that guide the service (section 4 – g), offenders have a grievance procedure.  

o      Wow – unless we pay a lawyer, nobody hears our story.  No, no, this isn’t entirely true, you can send Maintenance Enforcement feedback but you have to provide information on yourself.  Who isn’t scared that the MEP will take it out on you?  Wait, they took everything already, my dignity, my life and my ability to work, just my ass is left.  They can have that if they want it. 

·       Sections under Principles that guide the service (section 4 – h), that correctional policies, programs and practices respect gender, ethnic, cultural and linguistic differences and be responsive to the special needs of women and aboriginal peoples, as well as to the needs of other groups of offenders with special requirements. 

o      I see nothing under Maintenance Enforcement that supports our needs as divorced dads.  Hmmm, we are forced to go a parent’s course and told what a bad parent is and what a good parent is.  Thank god they outlined that for me.  They didn’t deal with being abused by your ex in that course – strange?  They didn’t deal with suicide or depression in that course either?

o      Of course the icing on the cake might be when the Federal Government garnishes your wages they also tell you they will be charging you another fee to recover the cost of the garnish, this might be enough to push any man over the edge.

·       Compensation for Death or Disability – section 22.  The Minister or a person authorized by the Minister may, subject to and in accordance with the regulations, pay compensation in respect of the death or disability of (a) an inmate, or (b) a person on day parole that is attributable to the participation of that inmate or person in an approved program.

o      Compensation if a death occurs.  I believe if we pass on as debtors – MEP goes after our Estate.  Death, taxes and now MEP in the same list.  If you die in prison they give you money, if you die within MEP, they take your money.

·       General Living Conditions – section 69.  No person shall administer, instigate, consent to or acquiesce in any cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment or punishment of an offender.

o      Hmmm, I don’t believe we get this we do get inhumane and degrading treatment.  The last time I visited an MEP location, everyone with MEP was behind bullet proof glass.  I walked up to the front and a small speaker came on “Your Name and Social Insurance Number please”  I told her.  “Speak louder please I can’t hear you.”  Well so much for my privacy and dignity, should I get down on my knees now or later?

·       Payments to offenders – 78. (1) For the purpose of  (a) encouraging offenders to participate in programs provided by the Service, or  (b) providing financial assistance to offenders to facilitate their reintegration into the community, the Commissioner may authorize payments to offenders at rates approved by the Treasury Board.

o      Oh, god they get paid in prison.  They get paid!  Fucking great!  I get a swift kick in my balls once a month if I miss a payment and then they are chopped off if I miss too many payments.

·       Obligations of Service – 86. (1) The Service shall provide every inmate with (a) essential health care; and (b) reasonable access to non-essential mental health care that will contribute to the inmate’s rehabilitation and successful reintegration into the community.

o      So let me get this straight, I can’t afford my health care premiums anymore but if I was a prisoner in a provincial cell I could get decent healthcare.  Well, I think this fuckin system is working.

 

In summary:

Provincial/Federal Prisoner	Legal Prisoner of Maintenance Enforcement
3 square meals a day.	So sorry, your accounts are frozen and your ass in a sling – try eating sugar packets from the coffee room or those little ketchup packages in McDonalds.
Don’t like the way you are treated, you have a grievance procedure.	Don’t like the way you are treated, who gives 2 fucks?  Suck it up little man.
Special programs and requirements to address the unique needs of the prisoners.	One program to beat the living shit out of you.  Depressed?  Pay us.  No job?  Pay us.  Dead?  Pay us.  We will take you down little man.  Oh, and pay us administration fees when we take your money.
Die in prison?  The ministry provides compensation.	Die in Maintenance Enforcement?  A quick search of your pockets, strip the body and sell everything to pay off your support.
In prison, you cannot be subject to  any cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment or punishment of an offender.	Ah, Maintenance Enforcement, we just need to tweak that statement from the Federal Government – you will be subject to any cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment or punishment of an debtor.  That’s better.
Offenders are paid a salary to work within the prisons.	You pay, and pay, and pay, and pay, and pay, and pay, and pay.  Oh, if there’s nothing left – lets see what we can sell.
Every inmate is guaranteed health care.	Hmmm, don’t seem to have money to pay for health care, better not get sick and keel over.  That would be bad.

 

Its seems to me that if we just added strip searches to the Maintenance Enforcement program we could be sure we got everything.  However, it appears that Provincial and Federal prisoners have a better deal than being in Maintenance Enforcement – I hope nobody notices. 

 

Into Extinction – Day 88 (the silver bullet for divorce)

Author’s Note:  Before you dive into this posting, remember this is tongue-in-cheek for me, actually I harbor no ill-will towards my ex or any of the “ex’s”, I do however believe in Karma.  I intended to have a little fun with this posting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well I have found it; the silver bullet for all us divorced dads out there, pumping out money to Maintenance Enforcement with no chance of parole in a tiny little prison waiting for extinction.  It’s a bit of change but you could recover some of that lost income.  Okay, okay, the silver bullet is you have to switch teams.  Learn to play with a different set of balls.  Bat for the home team.  Run the bases like you never have before. 

 

Okay, I didn’t say it would be easy.  After all, I have no interior design sense, little fashion sense (I own maybe 3 pairs of shoes and my favorite color is blue), and I can’t put my little pinky up in the air whilst drinking coffee, tea or whatever.  Hmmm, this is turning into a slur on homosexuals which I didn’t intend for it to be but they may be our saving grace here gentlemen.  Check out this article >>> http://www.canada.com/edmontonjournal/news/letters/story.html?id=b1060631-fb75-4c77-8a62-0ddbf3098fbb

 

Okay it’s not my only suggestion, but there are precious few ideas floating around.  It’s like a silent underground.  It’s resonating – that just because we are men, we should just take it.  The pushing around, violation of rights and freedoms and everything else that goes with it.  Homosexuals have a better chance in court than you or I – this is crazy.  I am all for supporting my children but when you do this to me, it lessens me as a person and as a man.  You know what I am talking about.

 

So I have 2 maybe 3 other suggestions.  In order of priority:

 

1. Make less money.  The system is built around the fact that you as a man are geared to make the money.  It’s built into all of us (men) to pursue because we use it as a measuring stick to determine our usefulness at home and in business.   When we lose this control to the courts, we have failed as men.  It’s there in the back of your mind.  So make less money.  It’s contrary to everything I have pursued in my life however if I made less money than that soul-sucking bitch (um, whoops, I try not to name call – not professional), than there is less to take away.  For example:
   1. She makes $40,000 a year
   2. You make $125,000 a year, I don’t have to tell you what the payout is – the courts already did ($1746 for 2 children).
   3. You drop your income to $40,000 to match her. The previous amount paid out would have been $1746 for 2 children; the drop to 40k is now $573 for both children (a net difference of $1173).  I am not suggesting you don’t support your children, but the drop would definitely get her scrawny ass off the couch, shut off Oprah or Dr. Phil and start looking for work (ah, damn, there I go with the name calling again).   You situation may be different and you may do it for different reasons than me. 
2. Leave the country.  Lets face it, live in Canada abide by the laws, can’t stand the laws leave the country.  Let’s see there is Alaska, the United States, Mexico and bunch of 3^rd world countries below that.  Stay here in Canada and you be living like you already are in the 3^rd world, eating beans out of tin, heated by your car engine, and fuck – may as well be warm in some tropical paradise.  You could start a revolution in that 3^rd world tropical paradise and set your own agenda – no sycophantic-faced, back-biting, skinny, yelling, sorry assed – bitches in power.  You could own a 3^rd world country with enough determination.  Just remember – leave before Maintenance Enforcement gets wind of your dictatorial dreams and cancels your passport.  
3. And my personal favorite, fake your own death.  This requires considerable planning on your part, or you can just simply set a body on fire.  Planning is the key here and here are the steps:
   1. Pull out some of your own teeth to include in the death.  They might think to check you dental records – your other option is to destroy your own dental records.  What are a few teeth anyway?  It’s probably the only thing you have left that you own that the slack-assed, mealy mouthed, lazy little slut has grabbed onto or sued you for.
   2. Find a body – preferably dead – I am not out to create more murders here.  Check the morgue for Christ sake – wait for it and grab a body – have somewhere cold to store it.  God knows what the smell of a rotting corpse would bring into your apartment and accusations from her (you would be accused of necrophilia by the way – look it up I am not explaining everything to you).  Or hang around funeral homes, wait for a body, tell people attending the funeral – you need some alone-time with Uncle Frank and hump that body out back and into the trunk.  You knew this wasn’t going to be pleasant. 
   3. Plan the accident.  Probably the greatest coup that could happen here is if it gets pinned on your ex (huge shit-eating grin is now plastered across your face) – no wait, don’t do that, who is going to look after the children (sorry what I meant to say is who is going to yell, scream and berate the children) – but its okay to dream about it, just make sure it doesn’t become your reason for living.  Okay, now popular ways to fake your death (pause) and think about this people, the body must be unrecognizable but your wallet with your identification must survive for the cops.  So look at the most obvious fake death which is fire, electrocution, or drowning (in order of unrecognizable remains).  You must have an eyewitness to the drowning or who is going to know you drowned.   My preference, a good old fashioned fire, preferably a vehicle accident involving you being torched.   Set it up, not during rush hour because nobody else should be hurt.  Smack the car into a tree and torch it.  Home free – remember the matches, you can’t start the fire with the cigarette lighter in the car.  As far as fissionable material – use your divorce papers.
   4. Um, wait, before the fire, drowning or electrocution, you need to setup another series of identification.  Faking your own death does involve setting up a new life.  I suggest searching birth/death records, finding a child born the same year as you and dieing within the same week as they were born.  Write away for the birth certificate and bob’s your uncle.  New birth certificate equals a nice new credit rating, say thank you Mr. Legalprison for pulling my ass out of the fire.
   5. Attend your own funeral if you want but be prepared to see your ex dancing on your grave.  I won’t go, I might be tempted to jump up and yell “boo” to her, I am haunting you for the rest of your life.  If the skinny bitch collapses there with a heart attack I win (huge shit-eating grin is now plastered across your face).  Let go of that dream. 
   6. Start your new life.

 

There some practical suggestions to helping you move on with your life.  Add your own to the comments below.  We might all be able to come up with something to help each other.

Into Extinction Day 87 (does the moment define you – stop you in your life?)

You can either let the moment define you or you define the moment.  This is a nice trite saying but it can have meaning.  You can either carry around the baggage of what has happened to you and dump it on unsuspecting souls or move on.  My piece of advice is this, getting a divorce and going through the swing of emotions (yes, even for us guys) can only be shared by others with the same experience.   It is similar to experiencing the death of someone close to you.  Either you have experienced divorce and you can directly relate to it or you can’t, you just nod your head during the important parts. 

Try this link, died laughing >>> http://keboch.wordpress.com/2008/04/22/nothing-like-divorce/

My experience is moving on past the ex is easy.  After she carved up a bit of your inside, its easy to go forward.  Its the other parts that take a bit of work.  There are the children and the compexity of how to be with them without her.  My ex has not given up hope of us “co-parenting” as she continues to suggest.  However if she bothered to understand one single iota about me, she would realize how different we really are but as I discovered in the last parts of our failing marriage, she lacked the ability to really empathize with anyone else – this problem was not exlusive to me.  The following is a great example of what I mean:

I spoke with my 16-year old daughter before Christmas.  We had the sex talk between her and I.  I talked openly and frankly about sex with her.  The use of condoms and other aids to ensure she didn’t get pregnant.  My thinking at the time was, “She is bound to have sex no matter what.”  My daughter related to my conversation because I treated her like an adult because this is a very adult decisions every teenager is faced with.  My final comment to her was “once you have sex the first time, you can never take it back, that moment is gone.”

2 weeks after Christmas I got a call from my daughter.  It was a tense conversation.  She had sex and missed her period.  Okay I was a little amused, not at the predicament my daugther found herself in, but one for ex.  You see, my ex, is a bible thumping, god-fearing, ten commandments, the world is black and white, Catholic.  I couldn’t have thought anyone was more unprepared for this than her and yes it amused me.

My second thought as the amusement quickly went away was how my ex was going to torture my daugther.  The fire and brimestone speaches, the damnation, and of course, how could you do this to me.  What I hadn’t counted on was how my ex kept me as far away from this as possible.  She restriced my daughters to calls to me – what I mean my restricted was she didn’t allow my daughter to talk to me.  I found this interesting and contradictory because my ex said she would never get between the relationship I had with the children.  Like all things I had learned about my ex, all rules would be broken when the need arose in her line of thinking.

My ex went as far as to tell my daughter she was a virgin when she married me.  I nearly fell off my chair when I heard this.  Convenient lies to bring my daughter in line at the time.  My ex was no virgin when she married me.  Then to top it off, she (the ex) left me a message, telling me to not talk about my (our) sex life with my daughter.

It was and still is a control thing for my ex.  She was trying her best to control the entire situation including me.  As I negotiated with my ex to meet with my daugther to have a conversation about her current predicatment, my ex reminded me, very clearly, of the reasons I had left her.  She had a long list of items I could not talk about if I was going to see my daughter.  It was manipulation at its best, she had me by the short hairs because I needed to talk to my daugther so I broke 2 cardinal rules I had told myself I would never break, and these are:

1. I would never speak directly to my ex.
2. I would never go directly to my ex’s.

This was to keep myself a safe distance from her manipulation.  I broke these rules not for myself but for my daughter.  My ex maximized on that moment to exert her control over me.  It was one of the most difficult moments since our breakup.  However, this was a normal course of action for my ex.   She even had her sister over there as they plotted on how to control my daughter.  Phones were removed and the computer was taken away.  For me, I thought this was incredible naive of both of them, the horse was already out of the barn.  The part I really feel for my daughter was the grilling and interrogation she went under.  The yelling and screaming by my ex and her sister.  Nobody should go through this and I was reminded at that moment how I had lost this battle in court.  My children would be greater victims of abuse than I was.

I met with my daughter and offered her these words:

1. “You don’t owe anyone an explanation for what happened.”
2. “Whatever decision you make, you will live with it for the rest of life.”
3. “Unfortunately, the family you live in, they will never let you forget what you have done here.  You will be branded with this mistake forever.”

My daughter asked me how I could be so calm about what had happened.  I explained to her that no amout of punishment was going to help the situation, the best outcome was that my daughter had made an adult decision to have sex, and now she was faced with the adult decision of what to do next.  This was punishment enough in my books.  My compassionate handling of what happened to my daugther is easy to explain.  My ex and her family would torture (no I am not overstating this) my daughter for years about this.  It was unfair and unjust but thats the way they are.

My daughter in the end, chose to have an abortion.  My own personal opinion was that my daughter should have an abortion but I kept the opinion to myself.  I just gave the facts to my daughter as she made her decision.  This prompted a 2am voicemail on my cell phone from my ex.  Tears and rage in my voicemail as my ex said my daugther had killed a human being.   Great, just great, I thought, there is an unstable structure if I ever saw one. 

When my daughter had the abortion I wasn’t told.  My ex kept me in the dark (although if she is reading this she would tell you otherwise) – its important for my ex to keep up appearances as the injured party or victim in all of this.  To make matters worse, my ex flew to Toronto for meetings and my daughter went through the abortion alone.  I couldn’t believe this, after all the speech making in court my ex had made about the care of the children.

When I finally manage to have lunch with my daugther I told her one thing, “I am proud of you, you made a very difficult decision and you stuck by it.  You don’t owe anybody an explanation.”

As for my ex, I abhor the way she handled the situation with daugther.  Utilizing punitive measures such as taking everything away from my daughter and her contact with me was unconscionable.  It brought back all the reasons I left her and I realized now my children were taking the brunt of it.  Hard to sleep at night knowing this.

Into Extinction Day 86 (the money, the money, the money, how is she spending it?)

Don’t get me wrong, I have done a lot of whining and bitching about what has happened to me lately but I am a proponent of paying child support.  I was examining the concept and action of a “deadbeat dad”.  Which according to the definitions I have found is “a father who defaults on his obligation to provide financial support for his offspring”.  I found an article in the reader’s digest – an older article but still relevant nonetheless – http://www.readersdigest.ca/debate.html?a=v&di=118.

What I find interesting about most articles is the out of balance in the system and I doubt will ever get addressed.  The local, Provincal and Federal governments are now phenomenally good at finding, punishing and extracting money from the fathers.  As mentioned previously, they take everything away, including your ability to drive, work and obtain the basis necessities of life.  It’s for the children they say however what about:

• There seems to be no way of addressing where the money once collected goes?  Although the system extracts financial statments from the men and a complete listing of everything in their lives, nothing is required from the mother?  It is assumed that mom can do no wrong – that the money will be spent on the children and their education.  Upholding the mom as a downtrodden figure helps to give enormous power to the legislation is naive.  It allows one party complete and utter control over another.  As William Congreve said, “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned”.  I would suggest that both parties be held accoutable in the system – this probably won’t happen as the system sees the “bad” guys as the “debtors” as Maintenance Enforcement puts it.
• What if the man’s postion changes?  He gets sick or god forbid depressed?  Now there is a problem.  The system is setup to be immediately suspious of the man’s intent.  You have to submit a financial statement with the threat of 3 years in prison should Maintenance Enforcement find anything wrong.  If the woman’s position changes – lets say gets better?  Who cares – the man has to continue paying.
• Let’s help the woman I say.  I know this sounds strange but if all this is about maintaining the life of the children why wouldn’t we help the women to better to their position?  I mean, the man can’t pay forever – he will eventually die and its hard to get money from a corpse.  However the system is setup to ensure and encourage that the woman never better her position.  She would lose that nice little cushion she is in while the man lives in poverty.  I had the audacity to ask this question during the court hearings, the woman judge frowned and said that my ex should be bettering her position but no real encouragement behind it.  I have read too many stories about this imbalance and the women sitting back and enjoying the money.   Oh, yes its about the children, but how would I know where and how the money is spent?

I checked the website on Mainenance Enforcement, approximately 91 men and 1 woman.  This is the MEP’s most wanted list.  Out of 100,000 men paying (okay 6% are women) 92 have fled or 0.0092%.  I would say there are little to no deadbeat dads.  These are the men that have fled.  I have to admit it did occur to me, I wanted to leave, if I had known I wouldn’t have enough money for food, I would have.  Thank god for food banks.

The other option that keeps coming up even in the Readers Digest article is men committing suicide.  Although through my reseach I find suicide mentioned I don’t find it anywhere on any official government websites.  I don’t think they want to acknowledge that the harsh and brutual measures leave some men with no other way out than to kill themselves.  When you take a man’s diginity, strip him of everything and do it continually, what did you think would happen? 

Into Extinction Day 85 (down to nothing, then a little past that)

I can’t think of a  better example of what into Extinction means that in the last couple of days.  I had negotiated with Maintenance Enforcement (for those of you not reading my previous posts – this is the arm of provincial government enforcing child support and alimony in Alberta Canada).  What I didn’t realize was what would continue to happen to me regardless of my agreement.

The local power company had left me a voice mail indicating they would cut power to my place today (April 18, 2008).  I couldn’t believe it, I had setup in my local bank account for the power company to be paid automatically.  The next letter I opened explained what had happened.

The Royal Bank Of Canada – my local bank informed me of the following:

Dear Sir/Madam;

Re: Support Deduction Notice

Issued By: AB – Alberta Justice Maintenance Enforcement Program

Amount:   $x,x00.00

Reference Number:  4803xxxxxxx//xxx-xxx

Contact Officer:

At:          MEP 780-422-5555

 

Our Royal Bank of Canada branch located at 339-8^th Ave SW, Calgary,AB T2P 2N4 has received service of an attachment order, as described above.

 

Please be advised that, in accordance with its legal obligation, the Bank has complied with and acted upon the attachment to the extent necessary from available funds in your account.  If there are any further concerns please call the Contact Officer mentioned above.

 

I have no money to pay the power company, none.  I have no money for food, for rent, for gas, for anything.  I am going to be homeless.  I opened the 3^rd envelope:

 

Department of Justice Canada

Family Orders and Agreements

 

Mr. Legalprison

 

Take notice, the Government of Canada was served with a garnishee summons.  This summons was served by the following court, provincial or territorial entity:

 

MEP Alberta

7^th Floor N, P.O. Box 2404

Edmonton, Alberta, CAN

T5J 3Z7

 

(780) 422-5555

Account Number: 16xxxxx

Department of Justice Reference Number: XXX1964A

 

Effective immediately, the summon indicates that you owe the following arrears in support.

 

Any moneys that are payable to you by the Government of Canada from Funds, Acts or programs designated in the regulations to the Family Orders and Agreements Enforcement Assistance Act may be diverted to pay the judgement creditor named in the summons.

 

After sufficient moneys are diverted to pay the judgment creditor, an administrative fee will be deducted from moneys payable to you.  This fee is $190.

 

There were other letters, stopping me from renewing my driver’s license, wage deductions from the provincial government and the like.

 

I had already sent them a letter, agreeing to pay them all of net income from my job until July 2008.  I guess this wasn’t enough.  Don’t ask me what I live on, this is a secondary to paying support.

 

Into Extinction Day 84 (everyone has an opinion on your divorce)

Why is it everyone around you has an opinion on your divorce and how and when you should see your children?  If you are anything approaching a good parent; you should be seeing your children every weekend and if possible every day?  Even Maintenance Enforcement has an opinion, “MEP affects your life. Your children are important” and right below that statement is this one, “The Alberta Maintenance Enforcement Program (MEP) is authorized by the Alberta Maintenance Enforcement Act to ensure that individuals meet their obligations to pay spousal and child support under the terms of their court orders and certain agreements. Once an order or agreement has been registered with MEP, maintenance payments that the debtor (payor) would normally pay directly to the creditor (recipient) are sent to MEP. MEP then forwards the payment to the creditor once the funds have cleared through a trust account.”  Heads up people in Enforcement, if you take everything the Dad has, including his drivers license, how is he going to see anybody?

 

I was having lunch with some friends earlier this week and up came the question, “How often do you get to see your children?”  All eyes centered on me, waiting for me to tell them how I had set aside my life to pursue those futile few hours to spend with my children.   Okay, I wanted to say,

 

“Hands up how many are you divorced?”

“Hands up how many have suffered through years of abuse during their marriage”

“Hands up how many got a beating on their last day of marriage before they escaped their house?

“Hands up how many are paying better than 60% of their net income to the individual who perpetrated this shit?”

 

My point being, so many outsiders are quick to pass summary judgment on you.   Yes, I agree the children are very important however if I don’t take care of myself, they won’t have a father.  One more important opinion for those of you out there that like to pass out this snap judgments on marriage, divorce, abuse, violence, children, neglect or anything related to another person’s life”

 

“It’s none of your god-damn business.”

 

Repeat after me again – “It’s none of your god-dam business.” And why isn’t any of your business because you have not walked a mile in their shoes or my shoes.  Do you have a degree in psychology?  Have you spent months helping me through this pain – NO.   So if you really were my friend, you would shut up and just support me. 

 

I can’t tell you the countless times someone has asked me if I see my children.  It’s a heartless question and it’s insensitive.   Really in order for me to tell you how many times I see my children you have to be clued in what happened, the years of abuse, and the violence.  It’s not something I am interested in summing up for you in a coffee shop over a couple of lattes.   Really, the reason you ask this question is to determine if I am continuing to be a good father, your question is one of judgment on another and it’s a thoughtless question.   People who ask me this question, need a good smack (ah, there I go, perpetuating violence) but it’s a sore point with me.  

 

One final thought for the dimwitted.  I do see my children and it is painful.  Why?  Because the abuse continues on my children.  Ah, you say, Mr. Legalprison, why don’t you stop this, report her?  Lord knows I tried and failed in every option.  I spoke to lawyers, and child psychologists.  If you read any of previous postings you would know she is a master manipulator and much better than I at fighting and winning this battle.  I hate losing and I hated losing this battle.  There isn’t a moment I didn’t apologize for my children for leaving them in that environment.  Yes, I failed and why don’t you push into my face every time you ask how often I see my children?

 

Next posting – Teen Pregnancy

Into Extinction Day 83 (dating afterthoughts)

After the initial crisis in done (i.e. you have fled the marriage) and you are sitting alone in whatever hovel you can afford.  Remember the court system generously awarded your ex with your money – it’s very nice of them.  You to start to think of what else is out there?

My advice, to you my friend, is don’t do it.  The wounds are still fresh and any conversation with a potential individual will eventually turn to you.  The most recent events, the stabbing, the loss in court, and the cat support will bubble up in casual conversation.  Actually it might come pouring out.  You may get a sympathetic ear as you dump your unwashed laundry in front of them but you will, in the end, scare them away – unless they are needier than you.

What you need is an entire year.  Yes, an entire year and if you can’t even do 3 or 4 months alone – time to seek therapy.  Yes, therapy – consider it.  An unbiased professional ear.  A little blunt truth at $120/hour is always helpful but hey it’s your life.

Dating has changed.  If you left dating say in the late eighties or the nineties its all changed.  You can still go to the bars or you can try the dating websites of which there are plenty.

Let’s start with Plenty of Fish.  This is a huge dating website with a lot of people and many are off their medication.  Like everything in life – you get what you pay for and PoF is free.  If you are curious about where Hannibal Lector’s sister dates – try this website out.

Then there is eHarmony.  The commercials have this non-threatening grey haired gent with a slight smile (like he knows you better than you know you – put down the Cheetos) genteelly pushing you into the eHarmony direction.  The geriatric salesman promises a clear scientific answer to love – god knows science is the answer.  To top it off, after Mr. Geriatric disappears, and a bunch of very happy couples pop up and tell you how wonderful everything is – they match each other perfectly, even blow each other’s noses.  One advantage – girls outnumber the guys 6 to 1.

Enter the eHarmony website is not quick or fast.  You are forced with a battery of multiple choice questions asking everything from how honest are you, were you breastfeed, do you like beer, what color are your shoelaces, are you addicted to anything, and how much risk you like in your life (axe murder okay?)  The real question that quickly pops up in your mind is “would I go out with me?”  “Probably not – too many psychosis’s.”   So you can either tell the truth and end up with the same loser as you are or you can beef it up a little.  Here is the latest on eHarmony – http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1638344_1638341,00.html

Yes, I have climbed Mount Everest – twice, in my t-shirt and bunny slippers.  Oh yes, I am independently wealthy and yes I am trim and ready to run a marathon.  There is one problem with this approach, with this bold faced lying like a dog – what if everyone else is doing it too?  The most you ever climbed was drunk, up that dammed snow bank outside the bar and you collapsed in your car barely able to breath and wondering if you should call 911 but you can’t because you would just squeak the words out.  Your idea of independent wealth is enough money to buy a lottery ticket.  The last time you ran was when the Jehovah Witnesses were trying to convert you.  Best to ask for pictures of Mount Everest, financial records and the medal they have from the Boston Marathon – on the first date of course.

Then there is Lavalife.  One of the most popular dating sites on the planet.  The saying goes you have to kiss a lot frogs, well pucker up honey, there are African bullfrogs, Asian Floating frogs, Barking Tree Frogs, Bell Horned Frogs, Dart Frogs, Monkey frogs, and Whistling Tree frogs.  There are a lot of frogs.  The great thing about the website is you get to talk to a lot of people, the stupid thing about the website is you get to talk to a lot of people. 

Newbie’s to Lava, especially women, are set upon by those men just waiting for them to show up.  2 seconds after the profile is up, they IM them.  The newbie not knowing any better thinks – cool – men attracted to me already not thinking that this particular male is from the bottom end of the food chain and lives with a fifty foot python. 

No, the key is to find someone who is not a newbie and not someone who has been on Lava since the day the site launched.  Have some standards and wear a thick skin, some of the people on Lava are vicious and like nothing better than to tear you a new one.

So my keys to successful dating – the rules to follow, based on my experience:

1.    No picture with their profile – no play.  I have tried and never been successful on a date with no picture.  Men are built to want to see the other sex.  Besides they could still be married, Lavalife reports half the guys on the site are still married and trolling for something better than they have.

2.    Have standards.  Such as must have original teeth or must not be living in your parents basement or must be employed, if he/she takes bi-polar medication maybe that’s a no but you get my drift.  You don’t have to publish your standards with your profile just have some.  Don’t lower your standards – no good will come of this.

3.    Washed out pictures on their profile that give little details or the person is 2 miles away in the shot and you kinda see them – well there is reason.  Think about it, people comfortable with themselves take nice pictures.  I once dated this woman, her picture was really washed out.  Most of her face was white, I could see her yes – blue and I think a smile.  We hit it off online and met for coffee.  I got there first and sat down.  She showed up 15 minutes later and I didn’t recognize her.  “And you are?”  Thinking to myself – god must hate me.  “I’m Trish” Okay god does hate me.  Trish apparently weighs 400lbs, her teeth are green and she easily has 20 years on me – Shrek’s mom.  This is false advertising.  Duck and run boy – duck and run.

4.    Beware of titles on the profile such as “I might be the one for you?” or “Looking for an honest guy.”  The first one smacks of a little too needy and possibly stalks you later in the relationship.  The second one requires a lot of work. Some guy or guys (maybe at the same time) used her and tossed her away and now you represent all males and it’s your job to regain her trust – good luck.

5.    Beware of lists in the profile.  Lists such as must be this tall, make this much money, must so long in length, and so on.  I didn’t say you wouldn’t have standards, you just don’t need to publish them or weed through them.  People that publish lists on their profiles, in my opinion, are at the shallow end of the gene pool.  The profile is there to see or write something significant about themselves and if there is nothing about them perhaps they will spend the entire relationship living in your personality – trust me – there’s not enough room.

6.    Beware of psycho’s – now this advice seems really obvious – I do avoid psychotic people – it’s a good rule.  However 1 in 10 has a little psycho in them and they are really, really, good at hiding it.  I talked to this one girl who was convinced I was still married.  She started the conversation angry, very angry and she was taking it out on me and I hadn’t even married her yet – okay this is what blocking is for.   

 

More to follow…

Into Extinction Day 82 (what’s the cost of divorce?)

  Karma – Is both the evil and the good a person does. Karma determines destiny. If a person has done too much evil, he or she cannot escape the wheel of life or the transmigration of souls. If a person’s karma is good, he or she will attain moksha or Nirvana.

I am not a complete believer in Karma but I do believe what you put into the world you get back.   I am not saying the collapse of the marriage is completely her fault – no I own half the failure, its just that I paid for 100% of the debt. 

I am wondering why anyone would get married in Canada.  Now it could be that I am bitter about what has happened to me and that would be right but lets look at a few numbers (No I didn’t make these numbers up – I reference Statistics Canda for the information).

1. Most Males get married around the age of 29.
2. Most Males if they decide on divorce (approximately 35%) get a divorce around the age 40 to 43.  Actually this isn’t completely true the higher divorce rate is males from 20 to 29.
3. If I cross reference the StatsCan data to the published data from the MEP Survey conducted in 2006, the majority of people paying out on divorces are between the ages of 35 to 44 (less than 6% of the MEP Debtors are women – interesting isn’t it?)
4. 66% of the men in the Enforcement Program have no college degree or advanced eduction.
5. 77% of the men make less than $60,000 a year.

Now we have our statistics, lets take a look at what these numbers actually mean.  Lets say your gross income is $50,000.00 and you live in Alberta and when you divorced, there were 2 children. 

1. Net monthly wage on $50,000.00 is $3,102.42.  No I didn’t make this number up, from the Government of Alberta website on finances the Provincal Tax is $3,185 and Federal is $9586 assuming no input to RRSPs.
2. Child Support (according to Alberta Guidelines is $719 for both children).
3. Spousal Support is quite varied but lets be consertive and say its $400 a month.
4. That comes up to $1,119 a month reducing your net income to $1,983.00.  This is 36% of your net income.
5. Lets say the children go to school and play in after school activities and have dental and health care requirements.  Lets say another $6,000 a year from you.  that would be another $500.00 a month, reducing your net income to $1,483.00. 
6. Your rent is $700 a month because Alberta is not cheap – you are left with $783.00
7. You have to eat – thats another $500 a month – $383.00
8. You have to drive a car, insurance and gas – $68.00
9. Okay utilities another $60 a month, basic cable another $32 a month, clothing another $30 a month, phone another $30 a month, and home insurance another $50 a month – total is $175, leaving you with a problem – minus $107.00.
10. Lets say when you left your wife, the children were 8 and 10.  Thats at least 8 years of payments.

You would have to live much cheaper and eat a lot Mac and Cheese to survive because this doesn’t cover incidental expenses or you get a second job.   You can never go out, never see a movie, never have dinner at a nice place.  I can see why some men commit suicide.  If you don’t pay MEP than they take everything anyways.  What you don’t see MEP doing is trying to understand what the program really does to debtors – what it strips from them.   I meant sure its about the children but there has to be a better balance here. 

 

Into Extinction Day 81 (a brutal moment)

They called.  When I say they, I mean Maintenance Enforcement. 

“Hello Mr. Legalprison, this is Maintenance Enforcement calling.”  My throat was dry, they called me at work.  What if my co-workers found out that I was in prison?

 ”Um, yes hello, this is Mr. Legalprison, what can I do for you?”

“Please verify this is you by providing your PIN or Social Security Number.” 

My Pin was actually a Prison a  number given to a prisoner for administrative and identification purposes.  Short of tatooing it on my arm, it was the number.  I gave the number.  I was a little behind on my MEP payments not much but enough to get their attention.  I submitted a proposal to catchup with the payments.  My proposal included selling all my personal property to pay them off.

“Mr. Legalprison, I looked over your letter of proposal and everything seems in order.  Lets not fall behind again shall we?” 

Wow – I proposed selling everything I had and they didn’t blink an eye.  As long as the money is paid, what do they care where it comes from. 

“No, no – I won’t fall behind again I promise.”  Hell, I had lost everything else during this, may as well throw in my pride and ego as well.

“Good, good Mr. Legalprison, why don’t you pay online so we can collect the money faster.”

“Um, sure whatever you want.”  What the hell was I going to say?  These people could throw you into prison and take your life away.

I had one more question.  I fell down on my knees (metaphorically speaking), “Could you please release my account so I can pay my bills and buy some food?”  I was begging now, I needed the money, I was tired of eating sugar packets from the coffee room.

Pause at the other end of the phone, I could hear typing going on.  “Well, I suppose that could be arranged, as long as you keep up with your payments.”

“I sure will MEP, I sure will, cause I likes to eat.”  This is what I was thinking.  It didn’t even dawn on her or MEP that my latest financial statement for my earnings was $30,000 less than what I used to make.  The amount for child support should have been adjusted to $1290 from the $1500 I was paying but because I was busy selling off everything I own to pay the outstanding amount, I lacked the resources to hire a lawyer to get it adjusted.  My spousal support payment would never be adjusted.  I could make $11 an hour I would still owe it.  Just shut the hell up and pay us.

Into Extinction Day 80 (the moments after you walk – run away)

Divorce – disassociate: part; cease or break association with;

You can never imagine.  You imagine the moment you do it.  You imagine going through it and telling her.  You imagine that moment but the problem is the moments right after.  You go through the motions and desperately don’t think about the past.  All the birthdays you were there for.   All the Christmas’s when you put up the tree with your kids.    Did you know that would be the very last birthday with your son?  Did you know that would be the very last Christmas with your children.  Did you know when you took that first step that absolutely everything would change – nothing would ever be the same again.

For the first few months you slip through your life.  You can’t define yourself in terms of you marriage anymore.  You need to find something, some meaning, and some direction.  Did you think this part would happen?  No, entire focus in the beginning was on the leaving not would happen afterwards.

You get to make all the decisions now.  You don’t have to check with anyone.  That’s freedom.  Where are you going to live?  What are you going to eat?  What are you going to do?

The price to be paid again and again is isolation.  To visit and see your children.  They don’t understand.  Should you tell them about the years of abuse?  The emasculation?  Should you ruin their view of their mom?  No you don’t, for a long time, you hold it all in.  There are times when one of your children is spending a few precious minutes with you, your angry and grief leaks out around the edges. 

The ex put constraints and parameters around visiting your own children – its final for you.  After years of her tyrannical rule no more.  You agree to no rules and for two long years you rarely if ever see your children.  The pain is long and is as sharp as knife, cutting into any memory you can think of.  Eventually the ex realizes you will never agree to any rules and she relents.  It is the first time in 18 years you can remember her letting anything go but in some ways it’s already too late.

You sat there in discovery, your lawyer and hers.  The stenographer sits quietly and the tape recorder making small noises.  This is the final time you ever want to see her and the question comes and you clarify it – “I am not looking for joint access to the children – she can have sole access.”  There you said, after a year of therapy, joint parenting is not an option.  You have lost.  You cannot even stand to be in the same room as her.

There is something you gain in the end, something you never expected.  After you have lost everything, your possessions, your children and your reason for being, you aren’t afraid of anything anymore.  What is there to be afraid of?

Into Extinction – Day 79 (good payor status)

It’s obvious to me that the individuals and the ministry running the Maintenance program haven’t been the in the program themselves.   First there the word “Enforcement” within the name of the program.   The word enforcement by its very nature assumes that if are you in the program, its not voluntary and you are going to need some type of negative jab or push with serious consequences to comply with the rules.  So as an individual forced into the program you already have the sense that you are a criminal and you have done something wrong. 

 

However like any criminal, if you behave yourself in the program you get a nice little treat.  As follows:

 

Good payor status

All files registered with MEP are monitored for their payment history. Over the years, MEP has noted that there are individuals who consistently fulfill their support obligations as directed by their order. For these individuals, MEP has created a “good payor status” that recognizes those files that have a history of successful payment arrangements.

 

MEP will be pleased to inform a debtor if his or her file has been awarded a “good payor status” within the Maintenance Enforcement Program.

 

Honestly, who gives 2 fucks about getting a gold star?  What would be the purpose?  I don’t want good payor status, just leave me alone.  Hell payor isn’t even a word in the English language.

 

It’s interesting that this ministry has such broad judicial powers such as:

 

Payments are due on the date specified for payment in the court order or agreement. All payments should be made on the due date so funds can be passed on to the debtor’s family in a timely manner. If payments are not made on time, late penalties will be charged and collection action will begin. Maintenance orders may be registered at the Personal Property Registry and at Land Titles. Federal, wage and non-wage support deduction notices or a motor vehicle restriction may also be placed.

 

If an account remains in default, staff may cancel clients’ driver’s licences and report their arrears to the credit bureau. Federal licences may also be witheld and accounts could be assessed to determine if a financial examination or a default hearing should be scheduled.

 

Of course, I could point out the numerous spelling mistakes in the above text but in accordance with the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms see below.

The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms came into force on April 17,1982. Section 15 of the Charter (equality rights) came into effect three years after the rest of the Charter, on April 17, 1985

Legal Rights

Everyone has the right to life, liberty, and security of the person, and the right not to be deprived thereof except in accordance with the principles of fundamental justice.

Sections 7 to 14 set out rights that protect us in our dealings with the justice system. They ensure that individuals who are involved in legal proceedings are treated fairly, especially those charged with a criminal offence.

Section 7 guarantees the life, liberty and personal security of all Canadians. It also demands that governments respect the basic principles of justice whenever it intrudes on those rights. Section 7 often comes into play in criminal matters because an accused person clearly faces the risk that, if convicted, his or her liberty will be lost.

I would argue that the rights of the individual in the case of liberty are suspended without formal charges being filled.  Liberty being defined as “autonomy: immunity from arbitrary exercise of authority”.   The fact that the ministry can and does freeze banks accounts and cancels your passport severely limits personal freedom.  They will seize all assets.  This, in my opinion, has gone too far.

 

The Maintenance Enforcement Program initialed a survey back in 2006, with the following results:

 

• Half of all debtors indicated they struggle to pay maintenance.
• Two-thirds of debtors report being in bad debt.
• Depression is significantly higher than known prevalence of depression in the province.
• The majority of debtors believe the amount of maintenance they pay is unfair.
• Sixty-two percent of debtors strongly agree or agree they felt trapped by the amount of maintenance they had to pay.

 

They (MEP) have this information since 2006 and examining the website and current rulings the first step of MEP is to bring the hammer down on the debtor.  It’s indicative of a strategy employed by this ministry to collect the monies owed no matter what.  Further to this comment what’s interesting about this survey is they don’t ask how many debtors’ committed suicide – seeing no way out of a situation that puts them deeper and deeper into debt. 

 

Let’s take my case for example:

• I argued in court that my ex was much better educated than me.  She had a degree and several certifications.  I argued that the $40,000 a year she made was far below what she could actually earn.
• She counter-argued that she could not get a better job because she was taking care of the children.  I lost this argument.
• I argued the fact that she never did take adequate care of the children.  She was often away in long meetings or on trips.  Thereby the care was negligible.  I lost this argument too.

 

• After I lost in court, I found out that the children are often left alone with no supervision.  You can’t win for losing.
• What I don’t understand is why she wouldn’t want to get a higher paying job?  The money I pay her to sit on her ass won’t last forever – then what?  This is a mystery to me.

 

So you could argue that I am crying over my loss in court and you would be right.  I do want to do what is right but this, something is wrong here and I can’t quite figure out what – maybe the policy is too liberal or maybe I can’t stand being controlled like this.

Into Extinction – Day 78 (my day in court)

She sat behind a large desk.  She was wearing her official robes of office.  The black gown with a large white collar.  Her face was stern – ready for the business of the day.  The room was covered in warm wood paneled with lights set giving the room a warm glow.  There were no windows.  To the right of the judge sat the stenographer and to the judge’s left was the guard. 

 

My ex-wife’s lawyer was directly to my right as I sat in the visitor’s gallery.  I had done my research on this lawyer and she was a shark in every sense of the word and I knew I was in trouble.  She had passed the bar 15 years ago and had an incredible record for frying ex-husbands.  My ex was out for vengeance on a very large scale and I didn’t doubt for a second she would get it. 

 

My lawyer I found in the yellow pages.  I was short on time because my ex lawyer-ed up well before me.  My lawyer had a great little office with a few partners.  He cost me about $175/hour for discussions.  In the end, I formulated most of my defense.  I read through all the current books on judgments on divorce.  Actually, I knew I was screwed well before I went to court.  Because you see, my friends, the fact that she verbally and physically abused me for years matters not.  The fact of all the yelling and screaming matters not.  What matters are the facts.  And the facts are I make more money than her and she took care of the kids for me.  Okay I had a very different definition of what caring meant.

 

When she was laid off her job, I told her to find something she truly loved to do.  This was my gift to her.  I didn’t know that later this would turn up in court that I should support for the rest of her natural born life.

 

When we moved to a new city, she had me make a list of the pro’s and con’s.  Now she is excellent at getting people to do things.  She is the best individual I have seen at manipulation and integration.  I often said the Nazi’s couldn’t do a better job than her.  When one tactic doesn’t work she quickly switches to another, beating home, point after point.  These sessions were brutal and beat me down to the point where I said to yes to everything and anything.  In the final months of our “marriage” I removed everything from the house that meant anything to me.  Why did I this?  So she wouldn’t complain about how my artwork or anything else was cluttering up her life.  It was my silent protest.  Eventually anything I wanted for me, I stored in my SUV and kept it locked, never letting her in.  She commented, integrated, bullied, terrorized and tormented me for access to my vehicle.  I know what you are thinking, I am overstating it – no I am not.  It was the very last thing that was me, contained in that vehicle and I didn’t relent and I can’t tell you why.

 

Her methods were simple and effective.  She would ask a question, a genertic question – “When did you buy that mask?”  Making reference to a mask sitting on my back seat in the SUV I did not bring in because I didn’t want to be asked about it.  So having lived with here for over 13 years I knew no question from here was every simple.  The interrogation could last for hours.  She could out-last anybody with this method.  In the end, after years of this abuse, I simply didn’t care anymore about anything.  My life was easier this way.  If I didn’t care, the answer to her was always yes and there was no fighting.  I realized one day that I didn’t care if I lived or died, it simply didn’t matter anymore.  The choice became to stay with her and lose everything that I was or am or leave.  On leaving her, I knew, it would be violent.  I wasn’t wrong.

 

I stopped sleeping in the same room with her about a month before I left.  Initially, I slept in the basement, I didn’t mind – it was far away from her and it was quiet.  After the first week of sleeping, something woke me up at 2am, it was pitch black in the basement but I felt someone else was there.  I looked around.  There she was – standing over top of me, staring at me.  I had no idea how long she had been standing there.  I do know a chill ran up my spine.  “We need to talk”.  The chill continued.

 

When she latched onto something like an issue, no matter how long it took, she drove rentlessly to a resolution that satisfied her.  Thats the key it had to satisfy her – the answer.  It was like a cop drama.  You sit accused in a small room, on an uncomfortable steel chair, table in front of you, and a bare bulb is swinging back and forth over you.  They (the cops) keep you in there until they break you.  At that point, you would say anything or sign anything they wanted.  This is what is was like with her.  You reached a point in the battle, you knew you would never get your point across, you would never get her to understand, you would say or do anything to shut her up.  Promise anything.  I was broken.

 

That night in the basement, with a chill running up my spine, I said “no” and went back to sleep.  And as the month wore on I moved back upstairs into the spare room.  It was warmer however it was closer to her.  I was gearing up for the day I would move out and it did come.  I was in the spare room when she came up.

 

“Where are you going?”  “I am leaving.”  She stood there in the doorway, blocking it.  I asked her to move but she didn’t.  I just wanted to leave, to get the hell out of there and never see her again.  But she blocked the door.  I would have to go through her to get out.  “I will call the police.”  I intoned to her.  “Go ahead.” she said.  I moved towards her.  I hate fighting but there was nothing else left to do.  I later learned from her that she wanted me to fight her.  It was her way of showing how much she loved me.  Don’t try to put that together.  “Please move.”  Silence.  I reached over to move her.  This is what she was waiting for.  Her eyes flared.  She grabbed my shirt.  We struggled.  Now, I weigh a solid 200lbs and I could bench press over 200lbs and she was 105lbs and never worked out.  I thought this would be easy to move her.  She was giving me a run for my money and maybe my life.  My shirt tore in her hands and she left deep gouges down my back that quickly filled with blood.  As we fought, I was slammed agaisnt the door frame and wall several times.  Later I would discover deep purple bruises around my body.  My shirt was torn and with one final push I moved her out of the way.  She glared at me “bastard.”

 

I grabbed my clothes and went for the stairs.  As I went out the front door, something bounced off the back of my head, leaving me with stars.

 

For the next 6 months, I avoided all contact with her.  I paid for everything – the house, her car, and the other bills.  I ran up huge debt.  But it was worth it to not see her.  I eventually reached the point I had exhausted all my funds.  I laywered up. 

 

Sitting there in courtroom, 8 months later, I knew I was going to lose.  I am not used to losing when I have invested so much energy in it but I knew I would.  I had read all the current case law and I knew her.  When it comes to fighting, she is much better then me.  Besides she was angry with me and I should pay.  We (my lawyer and I) lost the first 3 motions quickly.  The judge was scowling at me and my lawyer, this wasn’t going to end well.  I was the criminal.  My ex kept her RRSP’s and any other monies.  Then an interesting motion was tabled by her lawyer.

 

“Motion to grant $300 per month for cat support.”  I shook my head – cat support?  Who the fuck sues for cat support?  The cat was a family pet but when I moved out I couldn’t take her because my rental wouldn’t allow it.  I guess when the ex moved out of the house, her rental wouldn’t allow it.  She has to put the cat up at a cat hotel and it was 3 big ones a month.  Who sues for cat support?  The one motion that was granted to me was this one, the judge disallowed it.  Thank god.

 

Her lawyer pulled up the pro’s and con’s list I had made when we first moved to a new city.   I had told the ex during the vacation that I had an offer to move to a new city and I wanted to take it.  It was a great career move.  However for the rest of the vacation, she hounded me, it was the worst, most miserable vacation I had been on.  I finally agreed to do the list to shut her up.  I did a list and on the list I said, “she would be totally dependant on me in the new city.”  Her lawyer was now waving that document like it was the Magna Carta.  Then her lawyer proceeded to pull every single birthday or I’m sorry card out and wave this as proof.  I mean, who does this?  All I was interested in was splitting 50/50 and going out seperate ways. 

 

In the end I lost it all.  I had to pay all the debt.  She kept the house full of furniture.  She was kind enough to invite me over to pick out stuff I wanted, but there was no way on God’s green earth I was going to be in the same room as her.  I also got to pay child support to a significant tune.  But the item that hurt the worst was I had to pay her for support.  The irony is huge for me.  I have to pay her for abusing me for 13 or 14 years of marriage.  It took me a long time to get past that one.

 

But I have to thank her.  After a couple years of therapy, one of the things the therapist said to me, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  Which was a trite saying to me at the time but over time I realized that if I could survive 13 years of the ex, I could do anything.  Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Into Extinction – Day 77 (suck it up little man)

There are winners and there are losers (of course there are, whom I am kidding) in the divorce process.  And lets face it, if you make more money than your ex-partner, ex-spouse or whatever name you have dreamed up – you lose.  Well someone has to tell you.  It doesn’t matter if the last 5 years of your marriage was a living hell.  What you have to do is get a really good therapist for the next 2 years and you might get past it.  It doesn’t matter that you were verbally or physically abused.  She is 115lbs and you are over 200lbs, who are they going to believe and if you really want to go the distance with this one, you have to go to court.  You have to stand in  front of strangers, the lawyers and the judge and pour it all out.  Can’t do it?  Too humiliating?  Too bad – you lose.

____

The indignities don’t stop with the loss in court.  This is just the beginning.  She has the full weight and measure of the judicial system behind her (or him).  Whatever small scrap of dignity, self-respect or esteem you have left after the court is through with you is going to be stomped on.  Suck it up little man (or woman) – there are those in life who pay (you) and those who get paid.

The final card – once played by her is the most brutal of all – maintenance enforcement – stressing the enforcement part.  Maintenance Enforcement - with broad judicial powers swoops down from above.  They wield the righteous sword of justice.  They can and will take 60% of your income before you even see it.  They garnish your wages but its not so blatant anymore – you can volunteer but even that won’t matter, they can do it anyways.  They can and do suspend your drivers license, take any income tax refunds, lottery winnings (that $10 dollars you won at Bingo is forfeit); they seize money before you ever see it and they cancel your passport.

____

You see, my friend, it matters not if your personal circumstances have changed.  Lets say after all of this has happened to you, you fell into a deep depression and couldn’t handle your current job anymore.  You go out and find another job, less taxing and with less pay.  This is all very suspicious.  To change your court ordered and mandated payments will cost you another $3000 but of course if all your money is paying the current order, my friend, you are screwed.

____

You may live in Canada.  You may walk around like other people.  You might even vote, pay your taxes and drink occasionally but you are a prisoner.  The bars are there, for the government and the legal system will follow you, catch you, and wring every last dime from you.  The call will come to you one day.  It will be a pleasant voice, “Mr. Smith, we are calling to tell you we have suspended your drivers’ license.”  But, but, but you think – how will I get to work.  Then you find your bank account frozen.  Then your landlord or bank calls, ” So sorry, your cheque bounced, you need to vacate your current premise.”  Then your car payment, insurance, phone and everything else goes to hell.  You are on the street.  Such is the righteous sword of justice.  Don’t cry about it little man – pay up.  Of course there are options – fight it in court – oops, all your money is gone or frozen.  Okay, leave the country, become Mexican.  Ahh, they thought of that too, your passport is canceled.  They have put you in a tiny little prison.  You walk around every day, you look like everyone else except you are a prisoner.  There is no little hole you can crawl into, because they will find you.  You can, of course, jump off a bridge.  Hard to get money from a corpse.  Ah, there now you understand, you read about this in the papers all the time.  The ex so-and-so commits suicide.  It’s hard for them to collect money if you are dead.

___

More to follow….