The Request…

Dying

 

It’s not like I wanted to go but something was pulling at me and it wouldn’t disappear, it was bothering me during the day and invading my dreams at night.  Just on the edge of my consciousness my promise was lurking.  My first thought was that my grandmother was prodding me into action from somewhere in kayaayeen (heaven).  She always had to get the last word in during the time we spent together and I was thinking this was her way of reaching beyond the grave to get my attention.  Yes grandmother, I remember what I promised you that day.   The promise doesn’t stray that far from my mind.  She had passed away back in 2001 and it was now 2008.  In my opinion, 7 years was more than enough time for her to rest easy and leave me alone but one of her final statements still echoed in the back of my mind and she never forgets. 

She was laying there in a hospital room dying in small moments as she gathered strength from one breath to the next – she couldn’t let go she had to fight the pain and struggle to stay right here.  Her feet and hands were beginning to turn blue as her heart fought to conserve energy and pulled blood from her legs and arms.  The spring sun was warm and melting the snow – it was this sun that came in through the single window.  It was a blaze of heat with a brilliant blue sky.  The room smelled of hospital antiseptic and the small sounds of my grandmother struggling to live another moment – a deep rattle coming from her chest.  A television far in the background selling sham-wow at an amazing price and conversations from the nursing station pushed their way into my grandmother’s last breath reminding me the world would still continue no matter who died.  Why would the world stop for one old woman?  It made me wonder why we struggle during those final moments to stay in the here and now.   It was in this world, in her life there was laughter and a fair amount of pain.  What was keeping her here?   Thinking to myself at those final moments that maybe because the next step is such a huge unknown for us at the point of our own death and that fear strengthen our resolve to be here.  Who knows what really happens to you?  It’s not like there is a roadmap for all of us to follow.  I don’t know the answer but like everyone I know I will face it one day.

One of the small mercies granted to my grandmother by the hospital is that they moved her into a private room so she could die in peace and not in the ward with 5 other people watching her and wondering if they were next.   She was lying on that bed with many monitors and tubes going in and out of her,   supporting her worn out body but what she really wanted was anyone to tell her she wasn’t going to die and when she asked me it was with an intense stare, she wanted me to deny it, that she would continue to live, eat and breath.  I was at a loss for words – life just doesn’t prepare you for an answer at that moment.   I didn’t want to lie to her but I didn’t know what to say either.  My eyes met hers and I hugged her – that was what I was capable of in that moment.   The best I could do which didn’t seem enough.  She had been stricken with ovarian cancer over a year ago and someone had a very sick sense of humour because her belly had bloated to extreme proportions that unless your eyes traveled up and met her face and you knew she was 86 years old you would think she was pregnant.  Her outline on the bed similar to woman ready to give birth.   Her belly extended up through the blankets pushing obscenely into the room and capturing your attention when you walked in.  You had to look at her cancer pregnancy because it dominated everything even though you realized you shouldn’t at that moment – you wanted to offer her even the smallest dignity because this was death.  Further complications was that this massive cyst had pushed against her stomach and intestines meaning she couldn’t eat.  Food couldn’t find its way through the disease.  The cancer had crushed her upper intestines, stomach and kidneys.  For the first week, when I first went to see her, she would beg me to go downstairs to the cafeteria and buy her a popsicle but the nurses had already warned me she would vomit up the popsicle as fast as it went down.  The nurses were correct and for the first time in my life I cradled my grandmother in my arms as she was sick.

I stayed there in her room with her.   Sitting uncomfortably on a plastic chair and most of the time just being there – silent.  With the signs on the wall saying for oxygen plug in here or nitrogen down there, the harsh fluorescent lights, beeps coming softly out the equipment beside her and the white blinds on the window.  There are reminders of my grandmother around the room.  Intrusions into the hospital and out of place.  Her teeth beside her in a glass, a cloth for cooling her face, cards, books and a small fan I had brought to cool her off.  Sometimes the room was blistering hot or 40 below zero.  Her body unable to regulate temperature anymore.  These items sat silent beside her as she no longer need any of them.  I am not sure who picked the colors for a hospital but it seems as if all hospitals have that ubiquitous green paint on everything.  Stepping into the hospital every morning, everyone coming through the automated doors that slide open abnormally fast, everyone is solemn but it’s a serious business being here.  People are talking in quiet whispers as I move through the hallway so has not to wake the sick and interrupt the routine in the hospital.  People don’t say hello or meet your eyes, they are caught in their own tragedies and observing these niceties is no longer a priority which is fine by me because I couldn’t even manage a fake smile at that point as I stepped on the elevator and met other healthy people.  We huddled together on that elevator pushing the white buttons, silent and engulfed by our own separate tragedies.  The elevator is huge, large enough for 2 gurneys and another door on the back.  This allowed us to have greater distance between ourselves.  People were getting off floors with signs like surgery or post operative care or the more frightening critical care department.  Were their misfortunes bigger than mine?

 It’s interesting how your own world shrinks and focuses on the person dying.  The calm and routine we have in lives taken away by this immediate crisis.  Everything taken for granted or normal in your own life loses meaning when you are facing death with someone.  Paying the cable bill, showing up for work or putting gas in your car is a mundane task and in front of the ultimate mystery everything else takes a back seat.   The routine of getting up, shaving and showering, now replaced by the trip to the hospital with details crowding into your mind as your drive up to the hospital.  Was she still alive?  How did she sleep?  Was there another tragedy waiting for me as I went into the hospital.  I was exhausted at the end of every day with her.  I would sit beside her bed and sometimes she was asleep as I entered quietly.   Sometimes I stood there looking at her, trying to gather a picture about her in my mind that the years wouldn’t take away from me.  I would spend 6 to 8 hours in that room with her, but it was like a marathon, my body and my brain were completely exhausted at the end of every day as I pointed myself home and on autopilot made it there.  At that point I couldn’t tell you why I felt so drained at the end of my visits but later when I think about it, it’s the emotional support you offer, it’s unconditional and it’s 100 percent of who you are is invested in that moment and with that investment in love comes all your energy. 

Sitting there watching them fight for life beside you, you want to say something; you want to offer them the great comfort and solace that those moments seem to demand from you.  At least a single word of comfort for her but I had none.  All the movies, and shows and programs always have that final sentence or statement that has significant meaning for everyone as they gather around the dying that seems to bring that certain comfort but this knowledge from all the movies and books flees you in the final days and it seems small and banal.  This is death.  This is not some distant news story from across the planet talking about a car bomb with reserved tones with video playing in the background, people running and screaming, holding people in their arms with grief so clearly etched on their faces while the new anchor brings you up to the minute details but you can change the channel to something better.  You can’t change this channel nor can you escape. This isn’t someone who knew someone that was killed in a car crash relating this story to you over a coffee and you can nod in return not really connecting with them as you sip your warm, sweet coffee relaxing your body.  This is a person, you know them, you have seen them laugh, you have seen them cry, you have seen them yell and now you get to be with them when they die.  What you don’t realize is their dying will change you forever. 

Sitting there beside her, her face worn and tired, blankets covering her up and around her until only her face was peeking out because even in the spring sun she was always cold.  Her eyes still that brilliant blue you remember as a child looking down at you as you looked up and into them.  There was no indication, no future premonition that you would do that for her one day.  These are eyes that loved you and still do, but they are tired now.  You are talking about everything with her because there is nothing left at that moment and the best you can do is distract her from death.  She can say anything now about her memories or people or secrets long buried but not forgotten and not be afraid of hurting anyone because she will be gone before the emotions swing back from these people at her.  I learned a lot in those small quiet conversations with some soap opera playing in the background.  Someone was getting plastic surgery and it seemed highly ironic as I put my hand on my grandmother’s arm.  My hand warm and strong and her arm soft and cold even under the blankets.  It was more to reassure myself than her – I wanted to know that someone was still in there.  Somewhere in her body besides the cancer she was in there, my grandmother.  My grandmother talked about her life as a child and it dawned on me that she wasn’t always my grandmother but it was hard to think of her as a child herself. 

 

Kindness

 

She was the first person in my life to be kind to me.  This sounds horrific or maybe I am remembering it wrong but visits to her house still echo around me including the first visit.  There was a peace in her house that enveloped you as you entered the door.  There were aromas like canned peaches and waffles on Sundays – a normal life unlike the abnormal abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents.  So alien in my limited experience.  It smelled of furniture polish and of flowers.  There was always the murmur of the television in the background but never loud except when she played bingo, the cards in front of her on the coffee table, a pen posed in one hand ready to record the numbers, the sound was turned up because she didn’t want to miss a call.  A china cabinet in her dining room with expensive dishes that I had never seen used along one wall.  The setting sun reflecting the brilliant white of the unblemished dishes behind glass – protected from the world.  Black and white pictures of people dressed in clothes from the 50’s and 60’s smiling and fishing.  These pictures are on end tables or on the fake mantel on the fireplace.  I never did ask who these people were.  It was as if she has a totally different life that I didn’t know about.  I didn’t ask her because if she wanted me to know she would have told me. 

The floor in the living room and dining room was covered with that heavy green shag carpet on the floor – a throwback from the seventies – the shag was long and dark green with light speckled green flicks throughout and this rug needed a good mow.  It was very long and shaggy and sometimes caught your toes and made you trip.  My grandmother was hard pressed to buy new carpet when the old was good enough.  So this carpet survived well into the 80’s and bit of the 90’s with that polyester fibre.  How many times had I played under the dining room table while they played cards above me?  Talking and laughing above me as hands were won and last.  It was those moments I felt safe in my life because my parents wouldn’t smack me around with my grandmother in my room, they would wait until we left – it was a kind of mercy.  How many dinners had I sat there, around that table, eating the turkey or Salisbury steak served by my grandmother?

The bathroom was at the end of the hall.   You walked through a hallway with wooden floors and bedrooms with doors closed around you.  It was always quiet and cool in the back of her house even the floor didn’t squeak.  My grandmother’s house was always neat and clean until the last weeks of her life when people routed through her house and tossed pictures, cushions and dressers around looking for something to sell.  The bathroom had soft rugs that tickled my feet with their comfort and it always smelled clean and fresh, very different than the stink of shit and piss I was used to at home.  Exploring the medicine cabinet and being very quiet because my grandmother had very sharp ears and she would come down the hall and knock on the door.  But if I was very quiet in my exploration, I discovered many unusual things like Nitro-glycerine pills and denture adhesive cream placed neatly in the cabinet.   This was a complete mystery to me as I looked into the pill bottle and saw many tiny little white pills in the bottom of that orange bottle.

We slept in the spare room on the floor and it was very exciting – a true adventure in my young mind.   The room at night was always lit up from the streetlight bathing everything in yellow.  When I woke up the morning light would filter down from the window with cars rolling by.  Being raised in a far and remote town, this place was always so busy and where was everyone going to?  There was the excitement of the day – we might go to a drive through and have pop – a new experience for me.

I was six years old sitting at her kitchen table with worn handed down pyjamas on me from my older brother, my legs swinging back and forth on the chair I was in.  The kitchen had dark, warm wood cabinets, with a double sink and large counters.  Many dinners and the canning of peaches, pickles and cabbage went on in that kitchen.  I loved my grandmother’s peaches and I never found an adequate replacement after she stopped making them. 

I was thin and pale and my clothes engulfed me making me even smaller as I looked up to her.   I never spoke first to anyone, too afraid that I would get a good smack if I asked the wrong question.  Almost every question was the wrong question.  Other adults would assume that I was mentally incapacitated because sometimes no matter how hard they tired I wouldn’t say anything – too afraid of what they might do to me.  She was asking me what I wanted for breakfast.  I didn’t know what she meant.  Why would she care about breakfast?  For all my small years at that point, I got my own food, whatever I could reach in the fridge and feed myself, early in the morning.  Standing there at the fridge on my tippy-toes finding pickles, cabbage and sometimes jam if I could reach it.  It’s true that food might come later in the day but I was starving in the morning – my small belly grumbling and reminding me pulling my attention from the tv demanding that I do something.  It was always a job finding something to eat and I was quite used to in my six years already.  If I ate the wrong thing like a piece of apple pie or drank my father’s cool, sweet milk, my father would strike me until the tears rolled down my face and a large red mark would appear on my face the size of his hand.  But her question didn’t connect within me because I didn’t understand the meaning behind the question.  I thought all adults were the same at that point, they kept the best things for themselves and I was allowed to eat when they said and not when my belly told me I was hungry.  I was waiting for my grandmother to leave so I could search for something to eat.

She asked me again and this time she opened her cupboard and pulled out some boxes.  I realized I should pick something or I was sure to get a smack from her.  I was afraid at that moment – past violent experiences were a great teacher.  I pointed at the box of porridge.  She picked out a package from the box and turned her back on me.  I thought that was that and she would leave me alone and began wondering what I was going to eat.  A few minutes later a bowl was placed in front of me.  Warm porridge steamed up from the lake of milk in the middle.  My tummy growled long and low which earned a laugh from my grandmother.  I moved to get out of the chair, swinging my legs over the side of light brown vinyl on the chair.  Someone was supposed to come and eat this and I was thinking it must be for my mom or dad because nobody has ever did this for me.  I felt a hand on my shoulder and looking up at my grandmother I could see tears around her eyes as she told me this was for me – reassuring me.  It was wonderful and new to me and I ate the porridge with huge gulping spoons afraid my mom would show up and start to scream at me for eating something that belonged to them.  My grandmother was still watching me and her face was getting red and tears one at a time were coming down her face and wetting her cheeks.  I finished the porridge as fast as possible and before I could do anything she picked up my bowl and refilled it and placed it front of me with the same result, it took 4 bowls of porridge that morning, I ate because I was afraid this would all disappear in the next moment but my grandmother kept feeding me until I was full – this was a new experience for a 6 year old.  My belly was bursting.  This was the first act of kindness in my life and it was a memory of my grandmother.

 

The Request

 

Now, she was there in front of me again, but there was something I could do I could offer that kindness in return.  I knew she was dying, I realized the pain my grandmother was experiencing was not just physical but emotional – she had regrets.  My grandmother had regrets and kept them for many years which took me by surprise.  As she lay there dying I think it was the regrets that were demanding she had to stay here with all of us until it was resolved.   I could see a question in her eyes so I leaned close to her because she had difficultly even keeping down water so her mouth was very dry.  The request tumbled out of her, between cracked lips “I want to see my son before I die.”  Her eyes met mine as the words came.  Damn, why couldn’t she ask me anything else but that question.  It would have been easier to get the Pope to visit her (actually I think my grandmother was Mormon but the Pope would probably forgive of this one small tragedy).   It would have been easier to find Franklin’s ship in the Arctic or perhaps getting a job gluing tiles back on the space shuttle.  Damn, why did she have to ask for that.     

I don’t think that these two people didn’t love each other, my grandmother and my father; it’s just that they couldn’t stand one another in the same room.  I believed in times such as this people would put aside their differences and do what is required of them.  Here is someone dying and there won’t be a next time but I was wrong about that assumption.  My father refused to come and see her.  He was still in the North West Territories, retired now, sitting there in his chair watching television day and night slowly retreating from life and all the decisions he didn’t desire to make.  As long as I known him, I thought he was the strong and silent type doing what was required.  I admired him for this strength, he said little but when he did it always made sense to me.  I thought he knew that – doing what was required of him and he would do it.  He would turn off the LCD Television, get off his chair, pack a few things and come.  His complete refusal did take me by surprise and it pissed me off at the same time.  I lost what respect I had for him.  I realized that it was all a sham all those years growing up and him presenting a pillar of strength – just a pile of crap with no significant strength behind it.  Here came one of those tests, one of those things we face in our lives and he left me to do it and in the beginning I resented him for it.  This was supposed to be his responsibility not mine and he lacked the internal strength and conviction to do what was right.  He was supposed to offer comfort and compassion to his dying mother sharing stories and telling her it was okay.  He was supposed to put the cool cloth on her forehead, close the drapes when the sun was too bright another.  He was supposed to see her one last time and tell her it was all right.  None of this was going to happen.  My image of him changed forever in that moment.

What I was thinking about later after I shut off my cell phone and I was walking back to the hospital room is why did I approach this situation so differently than my own father?  Was I not his son?  The same DNA and build, I could be a younger version of him.  But I stayed and faced the issue.  I resented my father but my conviction of right and wrong and decency wouldn’t let me leave my dying grandmother, so I stayed in that uncomfortable chair, in the green room with my grandmother.  But in the back of mind I was wondering what separated me from my father in this situation?  Would I run away one day?  Would I have enough of life and retreat as he did – finding a comfortable chair and watching tv and ignoring life?

2 days later my grandmother died without seeing her son.  In my opinion it made her passing that much harder and if we could make the transition easier shouldn’t we?  There was nothing I could do about her son’s decision except to tell her.  To watch her absorb this knowledge, turn her head to the side as I stood beside her so I wouldn’t see her tears.  Like earlier I didn’t have any words of comfort for her to help her get past this.   I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t come except maybe he was afraid of death and what it might mean for him. 

Chicken shit – leaving me to do his job.  I held on to that feeling way too long because we can’t change people but I felt justified in this feeling.  No matter how angry I felt it wasn’t going to change what happened but there was one gift I received in return.  I got to spend time with grandmother and help her move on with her life.  I felt humbled by the moment and proud that I was allowed to be involved in those moments.  Death changes you in ways you don’t imagine until it’s over. 

I gave her one last kiss on her forehead.  She was gone I could tell.  I cried, up to that point, I kept my emotions in check for her but then I cried, for her, the pain and then finally the released.  God I would miss her.

My grandmother’s last request or promise or what she had pulled from me when she could still talk and had not slipped into a coma was to keep the family together.  Damn, when she asked me I already knew to enormity of the request but like I was going to say no – so sorry can’t do this, let’s get on with this dying business.  This was all she wanted but she watched us disappear into our own lives.  After the abuse at the hands of our parents we wanted as far away from them as we could get.  Yes grandmother, I remember.

 

Into Extinction Day 127 (it dawn’s on me…)

What dawns on me this past week.  That no matter what happens in my life, no matter what catastrophic events play out, I have no control over them.

Take for example, my parents.  Lets say they are reach their 60’s and they need a little help.  Disregarding past injustices you or I would like to help them out.  Say they are living at the edge of poverty and every moment they could be on the street.  You could say it’s their own fault.  They should have saved.  They should have managed their money better, but then you remember.

The one thing my parents consistently did was to help out my siblings.  Call it a fault in their character if you want to.  My parents consistently gave money to my brothers and my sister when they needed it.  Well at least they tried to help them and that is one redeeming quality.

Whats interesting, well whats fucked up now is the way the system works.  Even if I tried to help my parents I would be penalized by the system.  The only priority being the payment of MEP or as you know (well if you read past blogs) will take away everything.  So if my mom doesn’t have enough money to give my father a proper burial who gives a fuck?  Not the government says I.

Into Extinction Day 126 (well now it’s fucked…)

 

I am faced with one of those moments that have the opportunity to define me and seriously impact those around me.  The choice will seem obvious once you know the details.  I have been divorced for a while now well over a year.  Most articles I read tell you that the first year is the hardest for being divorced.  The first year you have to spend time and redefine who and what you are.  You can no longer be defined as a couple, no longer make those couple decisions.  Of course, there is the emotional baggage that goes with it as well.  That’s why most of us in the know (those of us that are divorced and have been for while) stay away from the recently divorced. 

Getting involved with the recently divorce (less than 1 year) is like being invited to a train wreck.  There you stand on the precipice examining the mile long wreck with the recently divorced waving to you from somewhere in the wreck.  The problem with being invited in to the newly divorced is you get the complete tour of the wreck.  There is a need when you are first divorced to spew forth the litany of half-truths, broken promises or explain in detail that emotional wasteland they find themselves in.  I know, I have been there.  You don’t even realize you are doing it but you are.  The issue for those of us in the know (by us, I mean those individuals savvy about the divorce process), we know it takes time and energy to move on.  Being involved with you means we end up as your emotional crutch and we are only a stopping point.

Now as cruel as that sounds, the newly divorce either want to retreat from life or sample all the little delectable’s that went by – that you had to ignore when you were married.  I just don’t want to be a way station as you move on with your life.  Yes, you could argue you want something more but you would be lying and probably don’t even know it because you need time to figure out who you are.  You can’t make any type of commitment until you clean up the train wreckage and even then there will probably still be a few cars left that will follow you around for a while.      

Enough with the soapbox and back to the problem sitting with me.  As I mentioned in past blogs, my ex-wife is an abuser.  She uses such tools as intimidation and manipulation to get her own way.  Oh, and she has a terrible temper, yelling and screaming and jumping up and down.  You could say, that I am making this up and god I wish it were so but I am not.  Interesting if you ever confronted her, she would be the sweetest kindest person you ever met.  She has an incredible ability to hide that part of herself when people are looking.

After reading the book “Why people do bad things?”, I think I have maybe a better handle on what’s going on with her.  I don’t believe she has multiple personalities because this would show up in much more severe ways.  No, what I believe is that she isn’t a whole individual.  There is a darker shadow in all of us we keep carefully locked away.  If you never examine this side of yourself (and some of us never do or are afraid of the outcome) this side can popup all by itself.  This helps to explain why some normally decent people do horrible things (such as steal money).  The weaker the outside persona the more likely this dark side will pop up.  So my ex-wife for years growing up, played housemaid to her parents, as the eldest, she was responsible for changing diapers, making dinner and the like.  Basically she didn’t have a childhood and her personality was suppressed.  I am not a professional so this is my best guess.  This is in alignment with when I was married to her, some of our smallest arguments turned into huge fights with her.   Over time, I realized I was getting the brunt of years of pent up rage from within her.  Try telling her that. 

So, when we were in court, she swore in court, she needed all this money from me to stay at home and take care of the children.  I called her a liar as when I lived with her, I did all the cooking and shared the household duties and she worked at her job all the time – sometimes 80 hours a week.  Well, the court system being what it is, the judge didn’t believe me.  So in the past several months, I have seen my own children warning they wanted to commit suicide instead of the life they have with her.   Why the children would want to commit suicide is a mystery to my ex-wife but is quite clear to me.  She is doing what was done to her.  My ex-wife completely suppresses the children.  There is little to no love in that house.  No opinion except those in alignment with her own are allowed.  Screaming and ranting from my ex-wife is the way she runs that house.  Oh please, tell me I am making this up and just saying this because I hate my ex-wife.  I would love to be wrong, so totally wrong, but I am not, the signs are all there.  Now after the children have threatened suicide what does my ex do but leave town for week long trips for her pitiful job. 

This is beyond my experience and capability.  My ex is a master of manipulating the moments.  She can paint such pictures with words you cannot NOT believe her.  That is the part of her that scares me the most.  When I go to report this to the authorities she will believe I am doing this to get her but nothing can be further from the truth.  But this one place, on this blog, I can express my feelings about this without worry about retribution.   I do this for my children and damn the consequences – bring it bitch, let’s have at it, I am fighting for them, not you or me anymore….

Into Extinction Day 124 (ya, I wouldn’t really bother if I were you)

I am not sure why I even made the attempt.  The feedback or response was so vicious and direct, I realized that my attempt was a failure.  My ex and I were going around on a few topics.  I reached the point where I attempted to explain my position which was basically I had to pay Maintenance Enforcement or I would lose what little freedoms I enjoyed (suspension of my license, jail time – you now minor things like that).  Actually I was feeling frustrated by all her demands and wanted to explain my position.

“Your email makes no sense and neither do you.”  Was her response back to me when I tried to explain my priority was to pay maintenance enforcement.  And really when I thought about it why would she care?  Her standard of living was excellent.  In ensuring my children received their support – she automatically upped hers.  She makes $40,000 a year in a city where the cost of living is much high.  Combined with what I pay her, she tops above $100,000 – why would she care?  I could be eating beans out of a can warmed over a city grate for all she knew. 

What I found interesting about this situation is the change in her character.  This was not the person I originally married.  She always claimed to be a highly religious and very devout in her faith.  A caring and compassionate person to all her friends and colleagues.  What happened was I left her because I was tired of all the verbal and emotional abuse.  In the end, as she has reminded me many times this was my decision.  The hidden undertone of that statement is you made the decision and now you pay the price.

I can only chalk this up to be that I really didn’t know her – which for me was and is scary.  I had spent a lot of time understanding her and thought I knew her.  This part of her is vindictive and brutal almost like a complete alter-ego.  When I went to therapy, the therapist explained to me that this wasn’t uncommon for this behaviour to exhibit itself.   Which lead me to question – my ability to truly understand another person.  Was there always another ego waiting in the dark recesses of someone to surprise me later? 

This led me to do some research on this topic and I found a book (well many books on the topic).  Not that everything can be explained by science but I needed a starting point.  The book hypothesizes that all of us have other ego’s buried in our sub-conscious.  The author suppositions that these other ego’s show up at different times in our life.  Take for example the accountant working for a charity for 10 years and steals $300,000.00 from the charity.  The author explains that this is the other ego surfacing. 

Those of us who spend time examining the darker side of ourselves gain a better understanding of what motivates us.  Most individuals ignore the darker side well, because, it is the darker side in all of us.  Examining that side would bring up pain and hurt and we already have enough of that without pursuing it.   This darker side typically shows up when we are under extreme stress or we have to make a significant choice that challenges our ethics.  For instance, if you were struggling to eat, found a wallet with a $1000.00 in it.  You decided that if the person could shove a thousand in their wallet then they had plenty of money and wouldn’t miss this amount.  You use the money to buy food.  This is called situational ethics and it’s not likely you would share this story with your friends because it would show a darker side to yourself you would rather stay hidden.  However, the moralized payoff is that you now have a food on the table and nobody was hurt.  So let’s take this example further.

During the divorce, governments and the court have decided the greatest interest shall be in the children thereby as the father your income or the ability to support yourself doesn’t matter.  The soon-to-be ex-wife is given the tools and power to strip you of everything you have.  This is a powerful motivator to appeal to the darker side of her and very few have the ability to resist it especially if she is told this is her right and she needs to pursue this.   What rises up in the court is something I hadn’t seen in her before – a ruthless and vindictive individual capable of anything.  This caught me off guard as I only wanted a 50/50 split.  What I came to realize was I would lose.

It really didn’t matter what she had done to me.  Short of killing me the courts don’t take actions such as emotional abuse into consideration.  The fact she had trapped me many times in rooms and held my hostage doesn’t matter.  That analytically side of me finds the process fascinating that this could occur while my emotional side was damaged by all this.

So in the end, I should have followed my therapist’s advice on this matter.  Don’t respond to her.  Explaining where you are coming from won’t matter.  My therapist was correct on this matter.

 

Into Extinction Day 123 (Survival of the fittest…)

 

 

As we are brought up to believe we live in a free and democratic society.   In a democracy there is a suppose to be a series of check and balances ensuring liberty, the rule of law and a balanced approach for all citizens.  This in turn ensures protection of the rights and freedoms of individuals.

 

Our rights in Canada are as follows:

·        Every citizen of Canada has the right to enter, remain in and leave Canada.

·        Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of the person and the right not to be deprived thereof except in accordance with the principles of fundamental justice.

·        Everyone has the right to be secure against unreasonable search or seizure.

·        Everyone has the right not to be subjected to any cruel and unusual treatment or punishment.

·        Every individual is equal before and under the law and has the right to the equal protection and equal benefit of the law without discrimination and, in particular, without discrimination based on race, national or ethnic origin, colour, religion, sex, age or mental or physical disability.

 

As you will find, being a divorced dad, these rights are amended significantly.  As follows:

·        Maintenance Enforcement, provincial governments and the federal government will seize your passport denying you right to leave Canada.

·        Your right to pursue life and liberty is also significantly reduced.  Your right to life disappears as a series of other rules come up with MEP.  These rights are the rights of other individuals superseding your own rights.   There is no commitment or guarantee or subsequent rules supporting you as an individual.  What I mean is, MEP will take everything away from you, leaving you with no means of income or support.  There is also no means of defending yourself has your means of defense like any democracy is based on your ability to hire a good lawyer.  This isn’t possible when MEP has claimed or frozen your accounts.  Further to the comments, there is no criminal charge, thereby denying your ability to fight this in criminal court.  Both provincial and federal have carefully constructed these additional rules avoiding rights that were supposed under the charter. 

·        When your basic rights have been infringed there is a section of the charter that applies, as follows:

o       Anyone whose rights or freedoms, as guaranteed by this Charter, have been infringed or denied may apply to a court of competent jurisdiction to obtain such remedy as the court considers appropriate and just in the circumstances.

However taking on a legal battle of this nature would require funds in the hundred’s of thousands to challenge precedence established by the government.  But these types of battles have been waged in history before however it takes monumental strength of character to pursue this avenue.  I believe that both provincial and federal governments are better on the following:

1.    You are too dumb to realize what has really happened.  A lot of the rules impose by MEP really require a criminal charge to truly be enforced.

2.    That you, like me lack the will to pursue and object.

3.    That the careful rationalization that anything we say as divorced dads against the system will be seen as a negative point of view and popular public opinion is against us.

Fundamentally, we are talking about a struggle of our basic rights as citizens of Canada versus popular public opinion quick to label us as deadbeats. 

·        To further support the government efforts, they will seize your property.   When is the last time the government seized property?  Well, you are put in the same class as a criminal because the government seizes properties, assets and money from criminally related activity.  Interesting.  Although we as divorced dads haven’t been charged anything,  we are treated like criminals however we have even less rights than criminals.   No wonder dads kills themselves and jump off of buildings.

·        Cruel and unusual treatment of the individual would be considered to restrict or remove rights of a group of individuals.  History has many examples of this occurring.  Individuals are identified as groups then systematically stripped of their identity.  What could be more damaging in Canada then to freeze your accounts and assets.  Have you tried going to the food bank?  It’s ironic because the food bank won’t give you food because you make too much money – you are denied the basic rights to life. 

 

All of the above actions are carefully hidden from public view and who would believe you anyway?  Any compliant on your part as a divorced dad would label you quickly as a deadbeat.  The rights of you as an individual are gone in this system.  It’s interesting that nobody is really complaining because this leaves the government to perform greater actions around this.  This is a warning, if the government could do this in this area – what’s to stop them from pursuing you?

Into Extinction Day 122 (Does someone’s actions dictate your response?)

 

If you have read any portions of my blog, you know it’s tough and difficult road.   I have whined and complained at great length about the injustice of everything.  So there is a temptation to withdraw from everything and focus just on your problems assuming your problems are the most significant around but I was reminded earlier in the previous week that this might not be the case.

I had finished a lengthy workout and I had parked beside an ESSO gas station trying to decide what to get to eat.  I was focused on what I wanted and I didn’t realize someone had crept up the my driver’s side window.  He rapped softly on my window and pulled me from my thoughts surprising me and annoying me at the same time.  He was thin to the point of emaciation.  He was wearing a dirty black jacket, cargo pants and filthy brown v-neck sweater underneath.  I could see each breath he took as I could clearly see his collar bones and ribs showing. 

Of course he wanted money.  I could see it in his eyes.  His teeth were brown and his face was dirty.  I didn’t feel repulsed by this individual just annoyed that he had pulled me away from my very important thoughts about dinner and the catastrophe that Maintenance Enforcement put me in.   I shook my head no before he even finished and his eyes met mine for a second.  My thoughts were pulled in his direction, I could see how easy it would be to give up and slip into the lower rungs of society, I wondered what circumstances had placed him there.   I watched him move away from my vehicle,  a slow and painful shuffle as he searched for others to ask for money.

I sat there as he disappeared around the corner and I was now thinking about him.  The easiest answer to not give him any money is because he would obviously use it for drugs or rob a liquor store but what if?  What if, he actually needed the money to buy food.  How many people would he ask before he had enough – hard work indeed.  

I had lost sight of him as he rounded the corner and still in my own thoughts I watched a group of teenagers with spiked hair and the “goth” look cross the street.  Like any adult with more experience I automatically wondered why they didn’t smarten up and get decent clothes and real jobs.  They crossed in front of me and disappeared around the same corner as the homeless man had.

I had made a decision by this point, to find that homeless guy and see if I couldn’t buy him a meal.  Starting my vehicle , I eased it around the corner.  About 30 feet down the alley, I saw the “Goths” meeting with the homeless guy.  I had assumed they would ignore him.  Instead as he approached the one girl and 3 guys, they smiled at him and listened to him.  I couldn’t hear the conversation but one of the teenagers put his hand on the homeless man’s shoulder and patted him.  They were all searching their pockets, pulling bits of change from their pocket and placing it his hand with smiles.  Interesting, that they had done something automatically that took thinking from me.  I waited for them to finish their exchange with him.  They continued to smile and talk to him like he was a human being.  This wasn’t a small poke for me but a reminder that even as bad as I thought things were for me, they could be worse for others.  At that moment, I knew I could have done better by this man.

They finished up with him and I drove up slowly to him and motioned him to come over.  He smiled and painfully limped over to my window.  “hi”, “hi”  “Can I buy you some dinner?”  “Oh man, that would be great, just great.”  He smiled, brown and yellowed teeth but I saw something different there.  Here was a single situation where I could make a difference.  He slide into my passenger seat.  “Wow, you have a great car.”  He was in my SUV Hybrid with GPS and stereo system and leather seats.  He was right, it was a very nice car.

I went over to the KFC and we went in together.  He looked at me waiting to speak first.  I could see the KFC employee looking at both of us with some interest as this was an unknown to her.  I told him “order anything you want.”  I could tell this stopped him dead in his tracks.  He looked at me in wonder and I could see tears forming in his eyes.  The tears were making tracks down his cheeks and I asked “what’s wrong?”  My first thought was that I offended him somehow.  He met my eyes.  “It’s been so long since anyone has been this good to me.”  He turned towards the counter.  The server was looking at him with distrust.  He ordered the 30 bucket chicken.  The server hesitated and I told her I would pay for it.  She rang it through as I pulled twenties from my wallet.  I was curious and I asked.

“What are you going to do with 30 pieces of chicken?”

“Oh, it’s for me and my buddies, we leave under some trees over by that bridge.”  He pointed vaguely in some direction.

Okay, here was an individual living from one moment to the next and his first thought was for his friends.  Ummm, wow – okay.  Never judge a person by their outside appearance was a significant slap in the face at that very moment.   

Into Extinction Day 121 (Being right sucks…)

 

 

“we have the ability to differ from right and wrong, some just choose to ignore it”  Alejandro Santillan – young

 

When I went to court and argued that my ex-wife didn’t really support or nurture the children I had placed many examples in front of the lawyers:

1.     She often worked late into the night and ignored the needs of the children including caring for them and even feeding them.

2.     She would leave them alone for hours at time.  They had to learn to fend for themselves.

3.     She used tactics such as yelling and screaming at them to control them.  Her temper would go off the deep end and she could do this for hours.

4.     I pulled up examples of her attending meetings and seminars in remote locations as examples.

In the end, the courts didn’t believe me and did not allow my examples as evidence.  My ex-wife counted with she was always there for the children and that’s why she needed as much money from me as possible.

 

I hate being right about this but I knew this from the very beginning of the case.  I knew deep down I was right about her.  That the abuse I received at her hands would continue with my children.  Part of the reason I stayed so far away from her was I couldn’t bear to watch what she would do – call it the coward’s way out.  I had tried my best to convince the world that maybe even a small part of what I said had a lot of truth behind me and I failed.  I came to the conclusion that the courts are more willing to believe the woman than the man.

 

And now, after so many months turning into years, it’s coming back to haunt me.  I have received several emails from my ex that my own children are threatening suicide.   It is incredibly painful to watch and hear this.  This isn’t a plea for suicide, my children are looking for attention and love they are not getting from her.  Where am I in all of this?   Ah, the excuses are long and many coming from me.  After 14 years of abuse from her, I cannot stand to even be in her presence.  I am repulsed by her and even her emails.  I want to yell and scream to the world that see – “I WAS FUCKING RIGHT ALL ALONG!  YOU DUMB STUPID FUCKING BASTARDS!”  I was right…  It just cost the welfare of my children, a huge price to pay.  This feels as helpless and fucked up as the day I tried to change this….

Into Extinction Day 120 (Stupid decisions we men make about women…)

 

 

 

 

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”  Albert Einstein

 

If you are looking for the federal guidelines around divorce, here is the link >>> http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/pad-rpad/res/divorce/index.html

 

I was reading an article on why confirmed bachelors don’t want to marry.  In asking these men why it was because they were afraid the marriage would eventually end in divorce and woman would take him for everything he had.  I am hard pressed to argue with this logical, here are some more links:

·        http://www.timesrecordnews.com/news/2008/jan/28/confirmed-bachelors/

·        http://dontmarry.wordpress.com/2007/05/02/views-of-a-40-something-confirmed-bachelor/

 

This site is even more brutal than anything I have posted: http://www.dont-marry.com/.  Some highlights from the article include:

·        The cost of proclaiming your undying love – speaking to the responsibility of the man to unconditionally support the woman after marriage.

·        Marriage can mean career slavery – working to support the woman.

·        If she stops working, she may never work again – accusing the wife hiding behind excuses not to work and…

o       “I’m busy with the housework”

o       “I can’t find a job”

o       “It doesn’t pay for me to work”

·        Even more unfair double standards that favour wives – such as cheating, the man is scum and the woman is a victim. 

·        “Stupid, Irresponsible” Men – portrayal of men in society.

·        Divorce – direct quote “Upon divorce, all assets accumulated during and prior to a marriage are subject to division.  It has become, simply put. a licence to steal.  Even if the woman has not worked in years, and has spent the intervening decade(s) shopping and lunching from 8am-3pm, she is entitled to half, or more, of everything the man worked for during the course of the marriage.  Is this fair?  How many people would ever agree to a job contract that stipulated that in the event of separation that one party would have to return 50% of the gross amount of everything in the pay packet?  No one in his or her right mind would knowingly sign such an agreement.  Yet Western Men unknowingly agree to the exact same insanity each time they sign their marriage contract!”

·        If you pamper your wife, it can be used against you – you have to support your ex-wife in the style she has become accustomed to.

 

My comments on the above article.

 

I am not against marriage, I believe some marriages will go the distance, however I do believe before you get married as a guy, you should know what’s going to happen if you ever untie the knot – that’s all. 

 

The article is extreme to me however it raises some excellent points:

1.     I did tell my ex to quit her job and look for something for fulfilling.  This was the end of me in court.  It was used to prove I should continue to support her.  I learned never be this nice – ever.  She even pulled up Christmas and birthday cards to prove her point.  She was seen as the victim and I was the nasty man that did this to her.  I will never tell anyone ever again to quit their job.

What’s interesting about this point is I claimed physical and verbal abuse from her which was disallowed in court.  I provided pages and pages of data that was not allowed.  It was extraordinarily frustrating at the time, I really wanted to scream at that woman judge.

2.     The career slavery comment in my case was basically correct.  I basically kept jobs to continue financial support for her.  This was never recognized in court, nor all the hundreds of hours of overtime I put in to support her, nope.

What did come in court was her supporting the children all the time.  It wasn’t mentioned I did all the cooking and half the cleaning.  I cooked for her and her family at special events and during the week for years.  Fascinating the astonishing bias of the court system.  This really didn’t matter but hers did, I quickly came to realization I would spend my entire case defending my actions not on the attack.  This always puts in you is a losing situation.

3.     If you pamper your wife it can be used against you – actually in my case it was used against me.  My ex-wife was frustrated with her current job as a salesperson.  She was making about $70 grand a year and with bonus it popped up to about $85 grand but she was very unhappy.  I responded to her but telling her to go find something she really enjoyed and I would support her.  This was a major mistake on my part. 

She eventually took a job at $40k a year, well below her ability to make money.  This killed me in court.  I argued she was working well below her ability to make significant income.  She has a degree and several certifications.  Once more, I was the bad guy and this action was not allowed in court.  The judge did say it would be nice if my ex found better work.  On the flip side, I have to work, every single day, or I lose everything – seems fair.

 

My point is I am not sure why a man would let or allow or however the decision is made – for a woman to stay at home.  By making this decision, you are telling her, the courts, the provincial and federal governments you are willing to support her for the rest of her life.  The longer she stays at home, the more her career skills atrophy, the larger the settlement becomes.  In this era of women seeking equal rights, this is one that men should be seeking – an equalization in the marriage.

Ah, ain’t entitlement grand?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Into Extinction Day 119 (Who is running this shit show…)

 

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 – 1968)

 

I have discussed the punitive measures placed by Maintenance Enforcement in past blogs, such measures as:

·        Canceling your driver’s license

·        Freezing your banks accounts.

·        Applying late fees or other fees on documents.

·        Federal garnishes any revenue from you income tax or wages.

·        Provincial garnishes from your job.

·        Seizing personal property.

·        Seizing any other assets such as RFP’s, companies or other assets declared or not declared.

·        Prison terms up to 3 years. 

 

I received a letter from Maintenance Enforcement last week stating a new policy on collections:

·        Their old policy was to apply a $25 charge to late payments.  This was charged even if you had an agreement to catch up with late payments.

·        The new policy is charging 4.50% per annual on late payments.  This is a dramatic change from the previous policy making it significantly more difficult to catch up with late payments.

 

After seeing this new policy from MEP, I was wondering why they would do this.  Are there a serious number of deadbeat dads running around, thumbing their noses at the system.  So I examined the evidence.  There are 97 deadbeat dads and 1 deadbeat mom (wait I can’t use deadbeat mom – I am sure she has an excuse the court would find acceptable).  This means based on 100,000 men paying (based on the Alberta Government’s own statistics) it’s about 0.097% of the entire fucking guys paying that are deadbeats.  This is less than 1% which would mean the current, fucked up, punitive, corrective, castigatory, disciplinary actions weren’t working?  Which fucked up civil service individual came up with this?

 

MEP reported they collected $190,000,000 in 2006 and 2007.  That would be $95,000,000 per year.  Let’s say there is a 10% default rate which I doubt it because I am sure nobody wants to face what would happen.  That would $9.5 million.  The new policy of interest charged would be $427,500.00 or collecting an additional $35,625 per month. 

 

The old policy would have allowed for approximately $25,000.00 per month based on MEP’s information.  This is an increase of 40% increase between the old policy and the new policy.  Holy Fuck!

 

My suggestion to Maintenance Enforcement is why don’t you take all of useless fucks out back and shot us?  I can’t think of why you would apply another kick to balls?  This is beyond me.  This smacks of a department and a ministry with no accountability.  My advice to you – run – to a different country now.

Into Extinction Day 118 (Signs you are whipped and beaten.)

 

 

“The riskiest year is the fourth year of marriage. In the first year of marriage, there are less than one divorce for every 1,000 marriages. After one year of marriage, there are 5.1 divorces for every 1,000 marriages in Canada. After two years of marriage, there are 17 divorces for every 1,000 marriages in Canada. After three years, there are 23.6 divorces for every 1,000 Canadian marriages. After four years, there are 25.5 divorces for every 1,000 Canadian marriages. After that, the chances of divorce decline slowly for each subsequent year of marriage.”  http://www.ottawadivorce.com/statistics.htm

 

Curious statistics and yes these are Canadian stats.  I was divorced after 13 or 14 years of marriage, I can’t remember because I stopped keeping track.

 

Top 10: Signs You’re Whipped (from askmen.com)

---

10.                        Going for a beer requires permission – It’s not just going for a beer that requires her permission, so does every other trivial excursion. In the mind of your power-hungry girlfriend, going for a beer with your friends spells out trouble and, therefore, it’s heavily frowned upon. All of a sudden, you can’t even pop into a pub for a quick one at the end of the day without facing a barrage of harassment when you return home. Subsequently, you’ve stopped doing it to avoid the hassle that, for the record, makes you a spineless pansy. This is a big one boys, but our signs you’re whipped doesn’t end here.

9.     She makes your decisions for you – You question how you ever let it get to the point where she makes your decisions for you, but it’s true. In your protective prison/womb of a relationship you no longer really make anything more than minor life decisions for yourself. Somehow, she’s managed to grant herself a seat on the UN Security Council that is your life and she’s not afraid to wield her power of veto. As mandated by No. 9 of our signs you’re whipped, you have little or no say in the affairs that directly concern you, such as holiday destinations, major purchases or even plans for the weekend.

8.     You have a joint e-mail account – We all have friends who’ve fallen into the insane trap of sharing an e-mail account. You know the case: Buddy meets, dates and gets married to a dominant girl and, before you know it, you’re receiving e-mails that are signed by them both, but clearly written by her. This loss of independence is one of the clearest and most seemingly innocent signs you’re whipped by a woman. Certain prerogatives must be sacrificed in any serious relationship, of course, but don’t let her combine your personalities into one and do your speaking for you.

7.     You go home when she’s ready – There was a time when men would drink their fill and decide if it was time to go home or not. Things have certainly changed for you if you’re whipped — and not in any kind of progressive and mature way either. The decision to go home during a night of socializing is no longer yours when you’re whipped; now you wait for the “I’m ready” command and then rush off to get the coats and issue apologies to your friends (who, once you’ve left, just shake their heads and talk about your pathetic transformation). Your friends clearly recognize the signs that you’re whipped and they can’t understand why you allow it to continue.

6.     You have a different social group – When your friends are magically replaced with her friends, you can take it as one of the definite signs you’re whipped. It’s no longer acceptable for you to spend time with your old crew, so you find yourself looking for an acceptable substitute, which ends up being the boring boyfriend of one of her friends. You have simply lost touch with all your old friends and you can’t understand how it ever happened.

5.     She commits you to events – You might think your calendar of events is pretty open for the next few months, but little did you know how wrong you are as she has committed you to other events. In actuality, you’ve already been penciled into about a dozen boring affairs that are completely unbeknownst to you. The really sad thing is that she does it without your permission because she knows she doesn’t need it — since you display such clear signs you’re whipped.

4.     You constantly worry about her reaction – It’s a definite sign that you’re whipped when you get some piece of news (good or bad) and your thoughts immediately turn to how she will respond when she hears it. You don’t even consider how it affects you anymore, which is pretty weird when you think about it. When you walk through the door at the end of a day, you automatically start running through a list of things that have potentially made her angry and you brace yourself for her accusations and complaints.

3.     Your friends don’t even bother – On your average Friday afternoon you used to get several calls and even more text messages from friends wondering about your plans for the evening. Now you get nothing because everyone just assumes that you’ll be kept under lock and key all weekend, and the scary thing is they’ve given up trying to help you escape.

2.     What you once took for granted is now a victory – You’re whipped if your basic God-given rights, like killing a few beers and watching the game or other things you used to do regularly, have been usurped. Now, when you gain “permission” you feel like it’s your lucky day, even if it is tainted with the bitter knowledge that you’ll probably have to do something really annoying to pay her back for her so-called generosity.

1.     You’re no longer interesting, funny or desirable – Essentially, her power over you has managed to drain you of all your willpower and creativity. Often it’s the ego that gets hit hardest when a man has been whipped into submission. You know you’re acting like a chump and you begin to accept your dismal situation in order to spare yourself the embarrassment of dealing with it publicly. Over time you’ve been forced to water yourself down so much in the name of maturity and respectability — terms used to manipulate you — that you can no longer pretend to be of any use to anyone but your overbearing girlfriend.

 

This is a good list and although its sarcastic – it’s true.  Normally what happens when you are pussy-whipped it happens over a gradual period of time.  It doesn’t dawn on you until later in the relationship that when you look around the house you realize it’s all her stuff and you are just paying the rent.

 

 I was speaking to a 21-year old guy about women and he was apologizing about having a list of standards on what type of women he would go out with.  I stopped him right there dead in his tracks.  I told him, “It’s okay to have standards, it’s not shallow – you aren’t going to date every women you come across.  It’s important to know what you like and don’t like and even more important what are your boundaries.”

 

Further to list from askmen.com it is important to have a ground rules in a relationship and boundaries.  It could be a silly as don’t move stuff around in my bathroom to the much more serious don’t open my mail.  Some standard ground rules to think about:

1.     Don’t go snooping around my place, my computer or through my mail.   This has nothing to do with whether or not you are hiding anything (and if you are it’s your own business) it’s about respect for your space.  Lets face it if she is looking for something it says something more about your relationship.

2.     You are not a work in progress.  If she has a list of stuff she wants you to change for instance, get rid of all those t-shirts and buy some polo shirts.  Commentary is okay in this space but its clearly your decision on what you want to do.

3.     There is a significant list of do’s and don’ts around her family.   Substantial rules and required behavior around her family isn’t going to work.  Why not?  Come on its you and that should be enough.  Of course, some information is important for instance if her dad was in Afghanistan and that subject is taboo, this is completely okay.

4.     Everything you do requires approval.  Similar to the list from askmen.com however I would make one modification, she never gives her approval or she says she doesn’t mind however when you come home it’s the third degree.

5.     2 different religions.  Alright in the beginning this isn’t a huge issue but trust me it is.  She wants to form a cult and rise to the Hailey’s comet on the next passing and you idea of religion is excusing yourself to fart in private.  Doesn’t matter how hot she is – this should be a deal breaker.

6.     Her family hates the ground you walk on and made 2 attempts on your life.  Not good.  This one will never go away.  When you have a relationship with her, you have one with her family.  If they think you are a piece of shit, it’s a very long and hard road from there.

7.     She gets pregnant.  This friend is a huge one.  Trust is absolutely broken at this time.  Think about it – what kind of scheming had to go in this one?

8.     Those little twinges.  Just something sitting in the back of your mind.  Things don’t line up from her.  She says she was at her sister’s but you know that wasn’t the case.  Don’t leave this one alone, follow up and find out.

9.     Her sister and her mom hits on you.  Hopefully at different times and ewwww.  This is a no-win situation that no amount of explanation is going to help you. 

10.                        Compromise.   This is about the middle ground not her ground or yours but somewhere in the middle.  If she wins every single time, think about it. 

 

 

Into Extinction Day 117 (fuck – it could be worse – really.)

“Ignorant men don’t know what good they hold in their hands until they’ve flung it away.” – Sophocles – BC 495-406, Greek Tragic Poet

 

We (me included) have this way of thinking that our situation is unique and our own disaster is grander than anyone else’s.  Well I have good news and bad news.  The good news is yes your divorce is a disaster and the bad news is there others worse off than you.  Not to say you don’t rate but it could be worse.  Reading through the news….

·        A man married his love of 2 years only to have her die in his arms during their first dance.  Trumps both you and I (not that should be a contest).

·        The Inuit of the Northern Canada start with depressions almost as soon as they are born and this continues with the following in:

o       loss of culture;

o       lack of recognition;

o       poverty;

o       housing; and,

o       addictions.

You thought you had it bad but image being in a tiny isolated community with no opportunities, where suicides are common, drugs and addictions are the only way out.

·        You aren’t a quadriplegic (well I am assuming).

·        You don’t have aids.

·        Your ex isn’t out hunting you and trying to kill you off (once again I am assuming).

·        You aren’t Maxime Bernier – who is a single week saw his career go up in flames around him.  See this link if you have no idea what the fuck I am talking about >>> http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2008/05/28/security-bernier.html

·        Your own grow op has not been discovered by the police – cool.

·        You aren’t homeless (well once again I am assuming).  Having a shopping cart does count as a home.

·        You haven’t been stabbed waiting for a bus.

·        You weren’t impersonating a police officer or a gynecologist (or at least you weren’t caught).

·        You weren’t carjacked this week – maybe next week.

 

I am not trying to convince you that so many others are worse off than you are, just trying to get you to move forward with your life – that’s all.

Into Extinction Day 116 (Nobody said life owed you a living.)

“Tragedy, sadness, loneliness and despair taught me that life is really a beautiful thing; if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be able to recognize that anything was wrong” Greg Evans Suspense Novelist

 

If you ever met me, you would probably think here is guy that had everything handed to him.  Great childhood, his parents love him, sent to a great college or university, and everything set up.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

 

When I was much smaller, my parents drank a lot.  My mom was drunk a lot of the time and fought with my father.  These would be knock down – drag out fights.  In the early days, sometimes my mom won’t even come home.  She had found someone else to sleep with.

 

If you read previous blogs, you know my parents verbally and physically abused me.  My father smacked me around often, one right across my head to keep in line.  He used to smoke cigars and to make a particular point with me, he would get the cigar end red hot and glowing and then apply it to my hands, burning me.  My mom had a quick and ready hand for slapping me when I wasn’t moving fast enough to her liking.

 

As I got older and went to school, my parents never really found the time to go to concerts or plays.  In the beginning I would look out at the audience for them, they were never there, so I stopped looking.

 

By the time I was in Grade 7, I had learned to be self-sufficient.  My parents had stopped looking at my report cards or caring whether I passed a grade or not.  My older brother quit school in grade 7, my 2^nd youngest brother and older sister didn’t finish school but got their GED’s later in life.

 

 

So I had decided when I was 12 I didn’t like this life and I would pursue something more for myself.  I didn’t know why I made this decision at the time but I knew I wanted something more.  What was worse was I was totally unequipped to pursue anything better.

 

My success at life today is a matter of simply not wanting a life my parents had.  I was just smart enough to realize there had to something more.  They would spend their evenings in front of the television, smoking and eating.  It was my job to roll them more cigarettes and get them candy.  Funny, they never offered a chocolate bar to me.  I remember this clearly.

 

I left the day after I graduated high school, to never return.  Most people leaving home get home sick.  I never suffered from that.  Of course, being unprepared for the larger world, I made huge mistakes, like my marriage and other things.

 

I still wonder even today how I made it out of there.  I had everything against me.  Looking at my past you probably wouldn’t believe me – the stories I could tell you of abuse and neglect as a 5-year old child.  The number of times I went without lunch at school or the beatings at home.  I do believe we are the sum of our experiences and we can be better than what we are taught.  

 

 

 

 

 

Into Extinction Day 115 (Nothing is so fucked up as when she doesn’t listen.)

 

 

* Author’s note:  If you find extreme language and hostility a problem do not read this note. 

 

I have told my ex-wife for the past 3 years I wish no contact with her.  This has not stopped her from attempting to send me past Christmas or Birthday cards plus emails on a continual basis to me.  Personally, I find this so fucking frustrating about her and one of the reasons I left her.  She always believed there were no lines.  If she felt and believed that is was her due, she would cross the any line.  For example, when I was still married to her and seeing a therapist, she demanded to see his files on me.  I said it wasn’t possible but this didn’t stop her from cornering my therapist one day (she waited outside his office and then pounced on the poor fellow) and interrogated him for 45 minutes demanding to see my files.  It was beyond her understanding as to why she couldn’t see my files.

 

So, it continues to this day.  She sends me emails with trite little sayings or how I can be closer to god.  I can’t think of an individual I would like less discourse or interactions with.  She is the last person on this fucking planet I would want any type of advice from.

 

How Christian could this possible be?  When she used the courts, the government and her lawyers to fuck me over?  They managed to strip me of all my income and any significant assets I have.  What kind of fucked up world does my ex live in that she thinks everything is fine now?   The only thing this proves to me is how fucking far away is she from reality and the fantasy world she lives in.  When you get everything you want and strip the dignity from the other person it is easy to be gracious and smile as the other person struggles to move on. 

 

Sending me photos or cards is just a huge fucking reminder of what she did to me over the years.  The years of abuse, of yelling and screaming from her.  The constant interrogations of everything I did.  If you (the ex) should every read this, leave me the fuck alone.  I would rather be on the other side of the planet, in a war zone, with a suicide bomber, with the Koran strapped to my ass, up to my neck in goat shit than go through this again with you.  If I could and I had the means, I would disappear forever.  Your continued attempts at communication only prove to me you have no fucking idea what you did to me and that makes me angrier than I have been in my life and I don’t like to feel this way.   So pardon the expression but fuck off. 

Into Extinction Day 114 (Damn – this isn’t the first time.)

 

 

“Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it” – George Santayana quotes (Spanish born American Philosopher, Poet and Humanist who made important contributions to aesthetics, speculative philosophy and literary criticism. 1863-1952)

 

A history lesson:

·        A popular political policy began separating individuals from the state.

·        Certain government legislation that began segregation of certain individuals from the state – clearly identifying them as undesirable.

·        The population through identification and media began to mark these individuals.  Nobody from the general population made any attempt to stop state policy.

·        Property from identified individuals was seized from any infraction.

·        Over time discrimination and mistreatment continued to mount on a large scale.

·        These individuals were pushed to lower end of the economic scale by legislation, the government, the courts and the general population.

·        Eventually these individuals were seen as outcasts from general society and treated as such.  All were seen as the same and the dehumanization was almost complete.  These individuals were no longer people but objects, and the state began to imprison individuals for the slightest infraction.

·        These individuals were stripped of their property, their freedom and liberties.

·        Individuals carrying out orders from the state were normal people, Catholics and Protestants, the old and the young, people with double doctorates and poorly educated members of the working class all worked to separate these undesirables from the state. 

The current state of divorced fathers and treatment from Maintenance Enforcement:

Divorced fathers are clearly identified and tracked in the government system.

Legislation has been passed that allow the following:

·        Wage Support Deduction Notice (WSDN): MEP can require that employers make scheduled deductions from a debtor’s wages in order to fulfill support responsibilities. A support deduction notice requires an employer to send to MEP a maximum of 40 per cent of the debtor’s gross wages.

·        Non-Wage Support Deduction Notice (NWSDN): MEP can intercept monies payable to the debtor from bank accounts or other sources (e.g. mutual funds, rent or contract fees). NWSDNs are placed to satisfy outstanding arrears on maintenance accounts. They may be used to collect funds until the arrears are paid or satisfactory arrangements are made with MEP for alternative forms of payment.

·        Federal Support Deduction Notice (FSDN): These support deduction notices are issued in co-operation with the federal government and can attach funds that may be payable to the debtor from federal sources, such as income tax refunds, G.S.T. rebates, Canada Pension Plan income and Employment Insurance payments.

·        Writ at the Personal Property Registry: MEP can file a support order with the Personal Property Registry as a writ against the name of the debtor and/or any personal property that the debtor may own, such as recreational or other vehicles. Once a writ is filed, the debtor may be prevented from transferring clear title to any property he or she may wish to sell. The filing of a writ also allows MEP to seize assets, including vehicles and certain kinds of retirement savings plans, shares and bonds.

·        Motor Vehicle Restrictions: MEP may restrict the debtor’s access to motor vehicle services within the province of Alberta. These include vehicle registrations, licence plates, driver’s licences, abstracts and the issuance of identification.

·        Driver’s Licence Cancellations: MEP may cancel current driver’s licences for accounts more than sixty days in arrears. Advance warning to the debtor must first be provided.

·        Federal Licence Denial: Through co-operation with the federal government, MEP may restrict the issuing of federal licences, passports and permits. MEP can also cause an existing licence or passport to be revoked.

·        Default Hearing: MEP can summon defaulting debtors to court to explain why they have not complied with their support obligations. The court can send a debtor to jail for continued non-payment of maintenance.

·        Recreational Hunting and Fishing Licence Restrictions: MEP may restrict the issuance of provincial recreational hunting and fishing licenses to debtors with maintenance arrears.

·        Registration Against Real Property: In some circumstances, MEP may register the support order against a property at the Land Titles Registry and/or force sale of real estate. The registration can prevent the owner from re-mortgaging or selling the property without first making payment arrangements with MEP.

·        Credit Bureau Reporting: MEP can report a failure to pay child or spousal support to the Credit Bureau to be registered as a bad debt.

·        Piercing the Corporate Veil: Some debtors try to shelter or hide assets or income from MEP by keeping them in the name of a company. In these cases, MEP can apply for a court order allowing the company’s property or income to be applied towards the debtor’s maintenance debt.

·        Seizure: MEP may intercept a debtor’s assets (e.g. vehicles). Seized assets may be sold and applied towards a debtor’s maintenance arrears.

·        Seizure of Third-Party Assets: Some debtors may try to shelter or hide assets or income in someone else’s name to avoid collection by MEP. In these cases, MEP can apply for a court order allowing it to seize the sheltered assets or income.

 

These individuals are clearly marked by Maintenance Enforcement and the state through all means necessary including an enforced numbering system.  The general population has labeled divorced dads as deadbeat for any type of infraction.

 

The general population is unaware of the power of the state over the deadbeat dads and in most cases when the population is informed believes this is for the greater good. 

 

Deadbeat dads are pushed to the lower end of the economic scale and money is pulled from deadbeat dads until there is nothing left including personal property.  This is for the good of all regardless of the health and welfare of the father.

 

Maintenance Enforcement uses a numbered system to identify and dehumanize individuals in the system.

 

The system is staffed by regular people believing what they are doing is right and just.  They have no problem with enforcing swift and harsh justice as quickly as possible.  Individuals supporting the state and the state itself use what is called “situational ethics” where the end, justifies the means.  Thereby the use of significant force, power and the law are utilized to support the ex-wife and the children.  It is a moral argument of the moment without considering the consequences of such treatment on the father.  In fact the outcome to the father is generally ignored in all cases because if it was recognized would require a re-examination of the process.

 

Power and the law is given to the powerless (well it’s seen this way).  Individuals (ex-wives) are encouraged to use this power and the law over deadbeat dads.  Such a system sets up a long series of entitlements for the individual (ex-wife).  This leads the phrase:

 

“Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely.” – This arose as a quotation by John Emerich Edward Dalberg Acton, first Baron Acton (1834–1902).

 

As this type of power is extended to the individual and the individual is encourage to exercise the power, deadbeat dads are crucified by this process.   

Into Extinction Day 112 (Nice guys finish last.)

 

 

                                    Nice Guy Eddie: The chick got tired of him beatin’ her so one night she walks in the guys bedroom and super glues his dick to his belly. Ambulance came and had to cut the prick loose.
Mr. White: Was he all pissed off?
Nice Guy Eddie: How would you feel if every time you had to take a piss you had to do a fuckin’ hand stand? -  Reservoir Dogs 1992

 

If you are thinking that your divorce is going to be smooth sailing – well.  My advice is to stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.  Reading through some of the women’s articles (see this link >>> http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/article3283690.ece ) why would a man get married today?  I am amazed that some women seem to still think man-hunting is a good thing.  I would certainly give the single guy this type of advice -

 

The latest stats from Stats Canada show 37% of marriages in Canada end in divorce.   37% of men are going to face this situation is Canada and the current system favoring women.

 

If you knew now what you knew now about the system, lawyers, government and MEP would you still tie the knot?   I am not against marriage and love.  But if one day you found out your wife was making extra money as pole dancer down at Bootulious Big Bottoms or if you found out she gambled all your money away and was now thinking of selling one of your kidneys – you might want a divorce.  You think circumstances are on your side – truth is – you lose – enormously. 

 

Of course you could pursue a prenuptial agreement –

“A prenuptial agreement, antenuptial agreement, or premarital agreement, commonly abbreviated to prenup or prenupt, is a contract entered into by two people prior to marriage or civil union. The content of a prenuptial agreement can vary widely, but commonly includes provisions for the division of property should the couple divorce and any rights to spousal support during or after the dissolution of marriage.”

I strongly suggest this avenue.  Although popular media and culture has poked fun at this approach it’s the only thing that might save you ass.  I say might because even the courts might overturn it.

 

Even pictures of her infidelity probably won’t help you.  Neither will that DNA testing to prove that it wasn’t you that fathered 3 of your children will not help you (imagine if all 3 came from 3 different sources).  Maury did a great clip on this – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt2i0ts-uck.  

 

So even if she slid a knife between your ribs this is not going to help you.   Or she attempted to run you down with the SUV or layered your cookies with a little hydrocyanic acid or put a Poison dart frog in your bed it doesn’t really matter.

 

So I am not saying don’t get married, but as the marriage progresses and you change and she changes, what next?

Into Extinction Day 111 (Experience good or bad has some redeeming qualities)

 

 “Wolves which batten upon lambs, lambs consumed by wolves, the strong who immolate the weak, the weak victims of the strong: there you have Nature, there you have her intentions, there you have her scheme: a perpetual action and reaction, a host of vices, a host of virtues, in one word, a perfect equilibrium resulting from the equality of good and evil on earth.”  Marquis De Sade – 1740-1814, French Author

 

I was speaking to someone just starting out on her career earlier in the week.  I enjoyed talking to her and asking her about what happens next in her career and what are her aspirations. 

 

Being young and new to world (never tell them that they don’t want to hear it), untouched by disappointment or rejection or personal issues, she has a unique view on the rest of us.  We are tainted by disillusionment, broken promises and frustration.  As my therapist once said to me, “it’s those circumstances; those incidents which cause you the greatest pain come clear understanding.”  This young and new person was talking about her pursuits it was just nice and uncomplicated to see and hear that view.

 

There is no warning you can provide for those starting out.  Any warning you provide is seen as tainted with terrible memories which could only happen to you not to the new and untried.   Not to say you shouldn’t try but she is probably right, it will likely not happen to her as it happened to you.

 

“Experience increases our wisdom but doesn’t reduce our follies.”  Josh Billings – 1815-1885, American Humorist, Lecturer

 

Some of our experiences such as divorce demand we share with others if only to serve as a warning.  Other experiences will only be understand by you, no matter how hard you try to relate them to others. 

 

There is one thing these terrible memories can bring to us that cannot be seen by someone new.  I understand clearly what love is and cherish it.  I understand and hold on to those moments in life that I laughed with friends, shared a good meal, opened a present, watched the sunset or held the person I loved close to me.  Because of experience, you know those moments are fleeting so enjoy the moment for exactly what is and move on.

Into Extinction Day 110 (It’s your past that determines your future)

 

When we (or maybe it’s just me) go out and form bad relationships it’s not just a coincidence.  Whether you realize it or not you form relationships based on what was modeled during your childhood and the things that happened to you.  For example:

·        I was 5 years old and I loved pancakes.  Just the thought of a hot pancake and syrup was one of the small joys during my childhood.  I remember sitting there eating a 4 stack with my family.  My father had a really bad temper and I was chewing with my mouth open.  He asked me to stop but I didn’t exactly know what he was talking about and continued to eat my pancakes, reveling in each bite.

 

A minute later, I was on the floor and didn’t how I got there and my ears were ringing.  My father had used his open hand and smashed me on the side of my head.  I flew off the chair and hit the wall on the other side of the room.  I must have been unconscious for a few seconds as I couldn’t remember the exactly what happened right away.  There was blood down one side of my face and a few teeth were loose and my dad was glaring at me. “Don’t chew with your mouth open!”  After that I didn’t eat pancakes anymore.  It didn’t dawn on me until much later in life.   I hate pancakes but I remembered loving them as a kid, I connected the incident and realized what had happened.

 

·        My parents weren’t very good at feeding us.  I remember being hungry most of my childhood.  I got up in the middle of the night (I was seven) and padded out to the kitchen.  My stomach woke me up and the pain was too great to ignore.  There sitting in the fridge was one slice of apple pie.  We weren’t allowed to touch these things as this belonged to my father.  I couldn’t help myself as I picked up the pie and ate it.  The flaky crust with the sweet apples was like heaven to me.  I finished the entire slice as quickly as possible; I didn’t want to get caught.

 

The following morning, I was watching TV when my father got up.  He got into the kitchen and was looking through the fridge.  He roared out of the kitchen, slammed the TV off, “Who ate my fucking pie?”  He was pissed.  He lined up my older sister, brother and me – the youngest and started the interrogation.  “Who ate my pie?”  I didn’t want to get my siblings in trouble and I stepped forward and in a small voice “it was me”.

 

He grabbed me and swung me up and held me by my ankles, he stripped my clothes and started smashing me all over my body with his other free hand.  I couldn’t even cry at that moment.  He let me go and I hit the ground and I crawled under the table.  I spent the day under the table, naked and bleeding, it was my sister that coaxed me out.

 

·        When I first attended school and kindergarten, I would sit there and watch the other children, never trying anything.  I was mute and didn’t talk to anybody, years of abuse left me afraid of any adult.  I remember the teachers trying to get me talk or play but I was too afraid and I didn’t know how to play with other children.  My mother never let me out of the house as a child and didn’t let other children near me (to this day I don’t know why).

 

In today’s society, my behavior as a child would send alarm bells through the teacher, the school  and to social services but back then it was assumed I had some kind of mental handicap.  My behavior was reported to my mother which led to a one-sided conversation “what the fuck is wrong with you?”  I didn’t know what to so that wouldn’t end up with me getting clubbed over the head, so I learned that silence was the best option.

My point about the stories above is not to get anyone to pity or sympathize with me.  My point is if the only love we know as children comes through with violence that’s what we move towards as adults.  The only way I know of to break this cycle is to go to therapy.  Yes, professional help, think about it.

Into Extinction Day 109 (Wow, who knew that continually beating the snot out of men would produce such magnificent results.)

 

“The perfect no-stress environment is the grave. When we change our perception we gain control. The stress becomes a challenge, not a threat. When we commit to action, to actually doing something rather than feeling trapped by events, the stress in our life becomes manageable.”  Greg Anderson American Author of ”The 22 Non-Negotiable Laws of Wellness

 

If you are expecting some unknown miracle to come along and save you from your life, this is not likely to happen.  Divorce is like a repeated kick in the balls just when you get back up there is another swift kick waiting.  The point being that this is a traumatic event in your life and likely one of the most traumatic events in your life with the exception of the death of a loved one.

 

Here is an article of an interesting decision >>> http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20060620/scc_nofaultdivorce_060621/20060621?hub=TopStories

 

My point is not to depress but survive this and everything else will be minor in your life (with a few exceptions).  There is something to be said for losing everything – having been there – there is nothing anyone else can really say that can significantly stress you out.

 

I went looking the Maintenance Enforcement website for some emotional help or stress counseling or something.  Here is the MEP website.  http://www.justice.gov.ab.ca/mep/default.aspx

 

Doesn’t appear to be any help on the website but they do happily inform you of the following:

 

“MEP collected $190.7 million in court-ordered support payments in the 2006/07 fiscal year. Since MEP started in February 1986, over $2 billion has been collected on behalf of clients and their children.”

 

Wow, who knew that continually beating the snot out of men would produce such magnificent results.  They should publish these results in the paper to show how good they are.  Of course (tongue in cheek) perhaps they should publish the suicide rates along with these results.

 

 “The only justification for repressive institutions is material and cultural deficit. But such institutions, at certain stages of history, perpetuate and produce such a deficit, and even threaten human survival.”  Noam Chomsky 1928-, American Linguist, Political Activist

 

My advice is to find your own way through this.  It might be through a bottle (which I don’t recommend),

·        it might be through isolation,

·        it might be through moving across the planet,

·        it might be through friends,

·        it might be through a relationship,

·        it might be through ignoring everything,

·        it might be through letting go of everything,

·        it might be through going back to court,

·        it might be through building your own support network,

·        it might be through living well,

·        it might be through redefining yourself,

 

You chose, it won’t last forever even if it feels like it will. 

Into Extinction Day 108 (Life and Divorce is what you make it… No really.)

 

 

“Our life is not really a mutual helpfulness; but rather, it’s fair competition cloaked under due laws of war; it’s a mutual hostility.”  Thomas Carlyle  - 1795-1881, Scottish Philosopher, Author

 

In the terms of what happens as I have said before, “it’s not fair”.   The balance in divorce is there is no balance.  In everything I have learned the balance tips quickly.

 

“Civilization is drugs, alcohol, engines of war, prostitution, machines and ‘machine slaves, low wages, bad food, bad taste, prisons, reformatories, lunatic asylums, divorce, perversion, brutal sports, suicides, infanticide, cinema, quackery, demagogy, strikes, lockouts, revolutions, putsches, colonization, electric chairs, guillotines, sabotage, floods, famine, disease, gangsters, money barons, horse racing, fashion shows, poodle dogs, chow dogs, Siamese cats, condoms, peccaries, syphilis, gonorrhea, insanity, neuroses, etc., etc.” Henry Miller – 1891-1980, American Author

 

What are you going to do? 

 

“The essence of justice is mercy.” Edwin Hubbel Chapin 1814-1880, American Author, Clergyman

 

Offer mercy – acceptable certain inalienable truths –  such as:

·        the scales are not tipped in your favor,

·        harbor no resentment,

·        live your own life, not in dreams of vengeance in hers,

·        embrace reality – it’s okay to have dreams – but live in the now,

·        be spontaneous,

·        solve the problem move on,

·        use your experience, wisdom, knowledge, to help others,

·        accept yourself and others and remove prejudice,

·        do what you do and pursue fulfillment,

·        become what you are capable of becoming,

·        be unthreatened and un-frightened by the unknown,

·        reason, see the truth and know that truths change,

·        be logical and efficient but follow love (right GF),

·        accept the natural world,

·        see human nature as it is – a lack of crippling shame or guilt,

·        pursue enjoyment without shame or guilt,

·        build no unnecessary inhibitions,

·        create your thoughts and your impulses unhampered by convention,

·        your ethics are clear and autonomous,

·        pursue growth,

·        focus on your problems, and people outside of yourself – you are not the center of universe,

·        know your mission in life and apply energy,

·        be alone but not lonely,

·        be unflappable, have dignity amid everyone else confusion and personal misfortunate’s,

·        retain objectivity

·        be a self-starter, you reason for moving on is your own,

·        don’t stereotype people,

·        moment to moment living is fantastic, every moment is the best moment,

·        your vision can be a limitless horizon,

·        Identify, provide sympathy, and affection for those that really need it regardless if that individual is cruel or ugly or indifferent – your reasons are your own,

·        Share your love with a precious few,

·        Be humble and friends to anyone regardless of class, education, religion, political belief, race or color, your beliefs transcend the typical boundaries.

·        Be original, inventive, intrinsic, and sensitive to the situation

·        Know your imperfections and pursue growth,

·        become self-actualized (look it up – you will know what I mean)

 

I have said a lot of things on here, mostly tongue-in-cheek, what I really believe is the list above.  I am not saying I am this person just striving to be.

Into Extinction Day 107 (Revenge is a bitch – anonymous)

“The best revenge is massive success.” Frank Sinatra, 1915-, American Singer and Actor

 

How do you move on? Or why bother moving on because there is nothing left or it will be 3 to 4 years before any good can come of this.  Poking and prodding of friends isn’t going to help either – unless they have experienced the reaming your ex-wife and the justice system gave you – there is simply no comparison. 

 

Well, you could spend your time dreaming of revenge, common themes include:

1.     Winning the Super 7 or Lotto 649.  Using this money to crush her.  Nice dream, but is after all a dream.  Just imagine you hire a team of sharks that swoop in and crush her lawyer and her and the fucked up case they put together.

2.     Disappearing off the face of the planet.   This is my favorite.  Just removing yourself from the entire system and moving on.  I think the appeal is I get to still have a life and she gets a little of nothing.  The appeal is you could actually do this.  However leaving on the edge of the Amazon basin with Yanomani Indians eating the butts out of pigs may not be that appealing.

3.     Running her over with your SUV.  Some tips include, make sure you have a push-bar on the front of your SUV because you don’t want to ruin your paint job.  Make sure you pick a car wash or detail place that will get ride of the criminal evidence and for fucks sake have a good alibi – don’t think for a second the police won’t be CSI’ing your ass.   This thinking is bad!  And if anything were to actually happen to her, this thinking will probably get you into trouble.

4.     You prove she is a rat-faced, skanky, two-faced, skinny-ass loser.  Ah, there is nothing like destroying the life that destroyed yours.  Don’t sink too deep into this kind of thinking it will taint everyday for you.

5.     Everyone discovers what a loser, gold brick, shit-faced liar, slacker, loafer and failure she actually is.  It doesn’t change much except people realize you weren’t wrong.

6.     The government discovers what she is really doing with the money you are giving her.  They discover she is dropping the money into a long term investment for her retirement.  The government decides to fry her ass and it all becomes public.  Okay, this one is total fantasy, the likelihood of the government suddenly becoming competent is such a long shot, its better if you place your hopes in winning the lotto.

7.     She goes out with someone that takes her for every last dime she every made.   Strips her clean including those RRSP’s she has.  Nice to see someone get back some their own.  You spend the time dancing around and cavorting – might happen. 

8.     You arrange your fake death and she gets blamed.  This did show up in another one of my blogs.  As fun as this was or going to be, hello!  You are dead.  You can watch the trial from a distance but life will never be the same again.

9.     You become incredibly successful and she realizes that you never – ever needed her, she was a boat anchor or she was a skid mark on the underwear of life.  This one is a little healthier that the above scenarios – nothing like living well and beyond her means.

10.                         You find a soft, warm loving individual.  She smells great and best of all, she understands you.  She helps you through the tough times and she is great to snuggle with – this is one worth pursuing.

 

My point is, its okay to fantasize about what could happen just don’t like it drag you into it until there is nothing left of you.  This will be one of the most trying times of your life.  You have to make a decision –

 

“Andy Dufresne: “Get busy living, or get busy dying.”  The Shawshank Redemption 1994

So what’s it going to be?

Into Extinction Day 106 (don’t blame me, its his/her fault this all happened)

Reading through many blogs here on WordPress.com and other sites; the blogs teeter between depression, blame, holding onto the ex or God.  I have read blogs that lay out in minutia – detailing every wrong perpetrated by the other party.  Some examples include:

·        He makes sarcastic comments about me in public.

·        He only wants me for sex.

·        I waiting for her to make her mind about our marriage.

·        She is having dinner with a guy – their just friends.

and the list goes on… 

 

Of course there are those blogs on there preaching a return to god and a life of chastity.  I have no problem with God however its my business and praying to God does not release you from making a decision or moving forward. 

 

The general idea is as follows:

·        Definition: Intrinsic motivation refers to motivation that comes from inside an individual rather than from any external or outside rewards, such as money or grades.

·        Definition: Extrinsic motivation refers to motivation that comes from outside an individual. The motivating factors are external, or outside, rewards such as money or grades. These rewards provide satisfaction and pleasure that the task itself may not provide.

 

Extrinsic people will tend to lay of blame of most things around circumstances surrounding themselves.  Such as he called me an idiot or I am waiting for her decision whereas intrinsic individuals accept responsibility for their actions, make a decision and move on with their lives.  I rarely read a blog that does balance what is going or happening to themselves with their own actions.  What I mean is – if you stay and accept the action of her sleeping around you are enabling the situation.

 

 

The other strategy I see played throughout these blogs again and again is the “I am a victim”.  This is through writing blogs and conversations with others to manipulate feelings of sympathy thereby satisfying the need for personal power and control.  Wait, I am not labeling all complaining as a victim strategy just those that can’t seem to get beyond it and use this victim strategy in all cases to gain the sympathies of others.  Additional definition follows:

 

The self-defined, “Victim” writes his/her own history (along with keeping a now wary protective vigilance toward his/her future power structures by a practiced “marketing” of his/her “mistreatment” and/or “abuse.” Support garnered through such projections provide outside support during rejection, separation or divorce potentials and isolates the falsely labeled “Victimizer” in his/her life).

 

Often having been forced into an early abusive relationship as a child (where he/she had been a genuine victim), the underlying determination as an adult is a lesson learned; being “abused” provides outside sympathy and protective reaction within any life situation).

 

As is common with having been abused as a child, the past-abused child now becomes the adult abuser (within the self-defined “Victim” personality disorder, this adult is a stealth abuser).

 

The self-defined “Victim” is practiced in presenting facial/body behavior signals to his/her outside world as a presentation of the “truth” of his/her position. The facial “mask” along with an “emotion-less” mask at times are silent “display” mechanisms.

 

His/her children as tools whereby anger is expressed in more subtle ways through the hurtful or “direction-signaling” words of his/her children toward the person “needing” punishing or who the “Victim” desires to control.

 

My ex-wife is a master of this strategy and played the victim the entire length of marriage.  So strong was her conviction that I would get emails from what used to be our mutual friends telling me to stop hurting her.

 

My point is I see a lot of finger pointing to other parties when you should also look internally for what you allowed to happen to yourself.  Additionally, I read about individuals inviting again the same type of person into their lives again and again the blog writer plays the victim. 

 

Remember take responsibility for your actions and move forward.  Don’t wait for her or him to make their minds about the marriage, you are placing the control in their hands.  Yes, I know its easy for me to say however, if you always wait for others, you will never be satisfied with the outcome.

Into Extinction Day 105 (The pursuit of Justice for the individual)

  At first it may seem like insurmountable obstacles in front of you.   The only way to survive is to pay everyone and what is left is yours.  The latest material I have found on the subject is here >>> http://www.westernstandard.ca/website/article.php?id=2770

 

What I find interesting is there is the occasional article on this topic but for the most part we are ignored.  It seems unless we are homeless or have a strong special interest group representing us; we are buried back in page 25 of the newspaper.  Of course, when one of us kills ourselves in public we do make the front page but it’s just that day.

 

I have been cross-referencing and looking for ways for the government to hear our case because I am not giving up on this easily and I want to fight this.  There is the website >>>  http://www.albertahumanrights.ab.ca/about.asp

 

The vision statement of the Human Rights Commission is as follows:

 

“In Alberta, the Human Rights, Citizenship and Multiculturalism Act (HRCM Act) protects Albertans from discrimination in certain areas and on certain grounds. The purpose of the HRCM Act is to ensure that all Albertans are offered an equal opportunity to earn a living, find a place to live and enjoy services customarily available to the public without discrimination.“

 

The HUMAN RIGHTS, CITIZENSHIP

AND MULTICULTURALISM ACT publishes the following section:

 

Functions of Commission

 

16(1) It is the function of the Commission

 

(a)          to forward the principle that all persons are equal in: dignity, rights and responsibilities without regard to race, religious beliefs, colour, gender, physical disability, mental disability, age, ancestry, place of origin, marital status, source of income or family status,

 

I would contend or file a compliant with the Human Rights Commission based on the Charter of Rights and Freedoms based on the following section:

 

Section 7 guarantees the life, liberty and personal security of all Canadians. It also demands that governments respect the basic principles of justice whenever it intrudes on those rights. Section 7 often comes into play in criminal matters because an accused person clearly faces the risk that, if convicted, his or her liberty will be lost.

 

I would construct the complaint with Alberta Human Rights that when Maintenance Enforcement garnished my wages, suspended my driver’s license and revoked my ability to renew the registry on my vehicle that MEP was violating my right to life, liberty and personal security without a criminal charge being placed against me. 

 

I would maintain that my rights as an individual were severely curtailed without criminal charges and my life, liberty and personal security were at risk.

 

What do you think?

Into Extinction Day 104 (What all soon-to-be divorced dads need to know.)

Damn, I wish my lawyer or someone had explained these things to me, would have made life a lot easier and less expensive.

 

1.     Your opinion doesn’t matter.  Nope.  It’s better if you don’t have one.  Just bend over and grab your ankles, think warm thoughts.  You think I am being sarcastic don’t you?

2.     Whatever job; you have – quit – take the job as the fry-girl at MacDonald’s.   Seriously – making $9 an hour is really going to help you.

3.     Whatever she tells the court and the judge, they are going to believe.  You were a cross-dressing, transvestite, and vampire.  This is bad for the children.  They won’t believe you when you tell them she is soul-sucking bitch – nope – ain’t gonna happen.

4.     Sell off everything; take that trip to Thailand before the courts rule.  As a matter of fact, think of moving to Thailand.  You will be stripped of everything including your dignity, manhood, pride, ego, personality, sense of self, character, self-image, self-esteem, confidence, self-assurance, poise, self-belief, self-reliance, and anything else they can think of.

5.     Get used to beans in a can and Kraft Dinner.  This will be haute cuisine.  You idea of a great time will be taking out a frozen hotdog, warming it up in your armpit, and watching the neighbor’s television from your shopping cart in the alley.

6.     The fact that she stuck your dick in the toaster and set it to fry will matter not.  The fact that she stalked you for weeks and eventually pulled a “boiled rabbit” in your apartment matters not.  The fact that she convinced everyone in your office you have herpes matters not in court.  The court system is setup to protect her not you.

7.     Okay new concept here.  You will pay child support and in doing so pay what is called hidden spousal support.  The government, the courts and her lawyer and going to tell her to make as little money as possible so they can tap-dance all over your ass for it. 

8.     You may think because you walked out its done – forget that thought.  She has you by the balls.  She owns your ass. 

9.     Burn and shred everything, I mean everything.  I thought I did (shred everything) and missed her box of cards.  She kept everything I sent her which at first I thought because she liked mementos but in the end it was used against me.  I remember standing there thinking should I shred this?  I thought to myself, naw, too brutal.  On hindsight, I should have.  I kicked myself in court later when she brought the evidence forward.  Think of burning down the house – hmmm, maybe not that might come up in court.

10.                        Your standard of living is about to drop perniciously.  Your charter of rights is about to get a serious stomping.  You will be a second class citizen.  Better you hear it now and get used to the idea.

 

My list is a bit over the top but the feeling is there.  Its difficult to imagine in the beginning when you think you have rights and the law will protect to you to the eventual thoughts that this is not the case.  It is one of the rudest awakenings I can think of.  Good luck my friend, you will need 100lbs of horseshoes to make it through this.

Into Extinction Day 103 (Vengeance is best served cold…)

I was thinking over the weekend about the right thing.  I have been faced with several incidents over the past several weeks and what choices to make.   A part of me always wants to be vindictive, spiteful, malicious, bitter, mean, cruel, hurtful, nasty, and malevolent.  It’s an opportunity to give some where I took some.  The outcome of not doing this you get to be the better person, there are no awards, precious little recognition and nothing really for you except you know you did what had to be done.

 

In our world and in popular culture, most movies, friends, and governments make a big thing out of taking back what is yours.  Movies such as Payback is entire film out of getting back what was done to and more.  The first wives club –

“Three ex-wives, dumped for newer models, determine to get their revenge. They had helped their husbands become financially successful, so they cleverly plan to hurt their exes in their pockets. Justice is sweet and fun with plenty of great on-liners and physical gags”

Is a lengthy exposition on how to gut your ex-husband – forgiveness doesn’t seem to be apart of this.  War of the Roses –

The Roses, Barbara and Oliver, live happily as a married couple. Then she starts to wonder what life would be like without Oliver, and likes what she sees. Both want to stay in the house, and so they begin a campaign to force each other to leave. In the middle of the fighting is D’Amato, the divorce lawyer. He gets to see how far both will go to get rid of the other, and boy do they go far.

Is one of the most brutal and damaging movies I have seen on the subject of divorce – a black comedy.  I have seen it once and plan to never see it again.

 

The point of this is revenge.

Revenge (also vengeance, retribution, or vendetta amongst others) consists primarily of retaliation against a person or group in response to a perceived wrongdoing. Although many aspects of revenge resemble or echo the concept of justice, revenge usually has a more injurious than harmonious goal. The goal of revenge usually consists of forcing the perceived wrongdoer to suffer the same pain that was originally inflicted.

 

The point being is get back some of your own. 

In some societies, it is believed that the punishment in revenge should be more than the original injury, as a punitive measure. The Old Testament philosophy of “an eye for an eye” (cf. Exodus 21:24) tried to moderate the allowed damage, in order to avoid a vendetta or series of violent acts that could spiral out of control—instead of ‘tenfold’ vengeance, there would be a simple ‘equality of suffering’. Detractors argue that revenge is a simple logical fallacy, of the same design as “two wrongs make a right.” Some Christians interpret Paul’s “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord” (Romans 12:19, King James Version) to mean that only God has the moral right to exact revenge. Indeed, every major religious system contains some method for the mediation of disputes and for the limitation of vengeance by imputing a sense of cosmic justice to replace the often faulty justice systems of the world of men.

 

I am not a bible thumper just thought the quote was interesting.  In my experience although revenge is sweet by the very nature of enacting it propagates more and more of the same.  The point being is to get past whatever was done to you and move on with your life.  This is an extraordinary difficult task to accomplish – I know.

 

“Of the psychological, moral, and cultural foundation for revenge, philosopher Martha Nussbaum has written: “The primitive sense of the just—remarkably constant from several ancient cultures to modern institutions…—starts from the notion that a human life…is a vulnerable thing, a thing that can be invaded, wounded, violated by another’s act in many ways. For this penetration, the only remedy that seems appropriate is a counter invasion, equally deliberate, equally grave. And to right the balance truly, the retribution must be exactly, strictly proportional to the original encroachment. It differs from the original act only in the sequence of time and in the fact that it is response rather than original act—a fact frequently obscured if there is a long sequence of acts and counteracts”.

 

My mother was in town this past weekend.  She came in town because her brother was dying.  I don’t keep close with my family nor do they have a current phone number for me.  After years of child abuse at their hands I need some distance. 

 

However, when my grandmother died her greatest wish for me was to help my family and I respect that wish.  So my older brother contacted me and told me my mother was arriving.  I called her and asked her if she needed anything and she just wanted to see me.

 

As usual it was a dog-fuck from the start.  I called her Saturday morning to discover the hotel wanted her out because she didn’t have a credit card.  *sigh  I went over and straightened that out.  Then I discovered like always she had no money for food.  I gave her money as well.

 

This was the woman that beat me as a child and stripped away my sense of self over the years.  I remember every morning in the summer we would dread her getting up.  As she stomped down the stairs we would all scurry about cleaning up the house.  This didn’t stop the verbal abuse from her as she called us useless and dumb-fucks.

 

One distinct memory was when I was in Grade 9 about 15 years old.  We were shopping for my winter clothing.  She slammed my new coat into the cart and announced to me that was the last fucking jacket she was going to buy me.   True to her word she never bought me clothes again.

 

Over the years I was told by my mom, that you little fucker wouldn’t amount to anything.  I remember her screaming that into my face one day and it followed with a smack to my face. 

 

So I did amount to something and managed to create almost the same atmosphere within my failed marriage.  But in the end, we are supposed to rise above this.  To be better than you were taught.   I gave that money to my mother for a few reasons:

1.     My dad got up every morning at 6am and went to work for 30 years – I owned him and it was the right thing to do.

2.     It was what my grandmother wanted me to do.  I didn’t understand her dying request 5 years ago but I know now.

3.     I suppose despite my best efforts I might be the better person and no this wasn’t something I was striving to do or I am proud of – it just is.  I don’t want any thank you’s or hugs for what I did.

 

There was one single incident that struck me about the past weekend.  As I was leaving my mother at the hospital – my duty done she came outside to say goodbye to me.  For a moment I thought it was just goodbye but she broke down and cried on my shoulder for 10 minutes.  It all the time I had know here I never saw this.  It struck me that although at the time, I didn’t need her perhaps she needed me – I had forgotten this with everything else going on.

Into Extinction Day 102 (Women smell nice)

If you have been reading my past posts, it may seem like I hate, dislike, abhor, detest and loathe all women.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I am very attracted to women – well one in particular (you know who you are).  Women smell nicer than us (well try it, take a sniff, but um, try not to sniff unknown women, this will get you in jail very, very fast and sniffing your mother doesn’t count and ewwww).  Women have some very nice soft bits we (as men) are missing.  If you have no clue what I am talking about see your grade 8 sex education classes for details or look on the web (be prepared for nasty stuff on the web by the way).  A great relationship is a woman that complements you – not exactly like you.   She understands you despite your best efforts and lets you be who you want to be (i.e. you don’t have to hide the bag of Cheetos under the seat cushion because she is a health nut). 

 

After the pain of previous breakout has leached out of your system, remember I said after, its time to move on.  The reason it takes time to move on is because of the emotional bond you had with the ex.  I know it’s hard to imagine but it was there.  Breaking that bond is painful and takes time – you should take the time.  Unless of course there were no bonds and you are simply ready to move on.    If this is the case and its remarkable easy to move on, try this book http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/books/Snakes-Suits-Psychopaths-Workplace-Paul-Babiak/9780060837723-item.html they might be talking about you.

 

Okay as I have said before, in search of a new relationship, lets have some standards or you will end up with a woman who has to either shave her back every other day or who lives out of her car.  Some standards to think of:

 

1.     Height – yes I said height.  Seems trivial but if she only comes up to your waist that may be fantastic for some things (use your imagination) but if you keep losing her in crowds and she is asked for ID all the time, might be a problem.

2.     Interests – what do you like?  If she is interested in scrap booking and/or mud-wrestling alligators – hell if you don’t mind it’s your choice.  Interests indicate what’s beneath the surface.  If her biggest hobby is bingo on Saturday nights is this what you want?  If she likes to zip line across 300 foot gorges, can you do it?

3.     I have always had the standard rule, if the women can bench press more than me it’s a no-go.   Why?  Do you want your ears pinned back when you lose an argument?  Do you want her to use you for pushups?   You really will be a boy toy.  Hell, maybe you like that – not for me.

4.     Intelligence – if she is part of the local chapter of Mensa and you crush beer cans on your forehead – this might be a problem.  If she has 2 undergraduate degrees and a PHD, you may have a problem discussing world politics with her because world politics involve for you involve what your friends said down in the bar last night and comparing who can fart the loudest.

5.      Her ambitions – if her greatest ambition is to be on Jerry Springer, well it’s your choice.  Think about it, you will have to sleep with her half-sister who had the sex change to get on Springer and make her dreams come true.  Of course, if your greatest ambition is to do the run to Sturgis and she doesn’t know what the bitch seat is… Well….

6.     Your habits – if cleaning your toenails in bed is completely acceptable to you  - I am telling you now – good luck trying to find someone that will put with that (your dog doesn’t count).   If you never clean up after yourself, and weeks of food are lying around – I don’t know many people that will put with that.  Think personal grooming habits, think bathing once a day and a nice cologne – not cologne that attacks and subdues women by beating them over the head – something subtle (but that’s my preference).

7.     Religion – I know this doesn’t come up right away.  If she attends church 3 times a week and you during the first full moon sacrifice a cat to your pagan gods, there might a teeny weenie problem here.   Religion, in my opinion should be a close match, either she comes over to your side and is prepared to dance naked under the full moon with sheep or you go to her church – even this, in my opinion I don’t think will work.

8.     World View – what I mean by that what is her perception of the world around her.  If her world view doesn’t extend beyond the 6 blocks she has always lived in and yours is hiking through the Himalayas – there might be a problem here.

9.     Avoid psychotic women, now really, you would think this goes without saying however statistics show 1 in 10 people have a little Texas Chainsaw massacre in them.   A psychosis can show up many different ways, here are some common ones;

a.     Schizophrenia (multiple types) – every time you pick her for a date you meet someone new, this is a danger sign.

b.     Hallucinations (false perceptions) – she thinks she is the Prime Minister and wants you to address her as her lordship (well without tying you up this really isn’t a lot of fun).  Doesn’t matter how beautiful she is – this is a problem.

c.      Delusions (false beliefs) – she really does believe that aliens have come and probed her and they will bring her to their planet as their queen. 

d.     Flattened affect (loss of range of emotions) – if she has 2 emotions and one of them involves a lot of sex – while this may be fun – even this will wear on.  This to me is a significant danger sign.

10.                         Spending time with her.  If many things crop up, like the way she clicks her teeth all the time annoys you from day one, it isn’t going to get better.  If her unwillingness to shave body parts is really bugging you – it’s really time to move on.

 

My point is to know what your standards are.  I know this might sound shallow but it’s important.  This will help you and her decide if you want to invest time in the relationship because it can’t all be about the sex.  Good luck.

Into Extinction Day 101 (the Dehumanization of divorced fathers)

“Dehumanization often begins with the removal of personal identification. A convicted criminal is issued a prison identification number, for example. This form of dehumanization allows the guards and other authorities to maintain an impersonal relationship with inmates. This practice of dehumanization is also used by military prisons to maintain a feeling of superiority over captured enemy combatants. Viewing the enemy as a human being may compromise a soldier’s ability to interrogate him or her later.

 

Dehumanization is a process by which members of a group of people assert the “inferiority” of another group through subtle or overt acts or statements. Dehumanization may be directed by an organization (such as a state) or may be the composite of individual sentiments and actions, as with some types of de facto racism. State-organized dehumanization has been directed against perceived racial or ethnic groups, nationalities (or “foreigners” in general), religious groups, genders, minorities of various sexual orientations (eg. homosexuals or pedophiles), disabled people as a class, economic [e.g. the homeless] and social classes, and many other groups.

 

A common theme (or meme) is that of scapegoating, where dehumanizing the target provides a release from guilt for the person that scapegoats them, who typically begins to see themselves as a victim of the dehumanized person, rather than as a potential oppressor.”

 

The only reason this thought came up for me; I was watching “Saving Private Ryan” over the last few days and it dawned on me.  There is a well known psychological process for dehumanizing a group of individuals.  It starts with classification of the group of individuals, in our case its “Deadbeat dads”.  When dealing with Maintenance Enforcement you are assigned a seven digit number – that is what you are known as.  Every transaction and conversation begins with this number.  I know my number by rote now because that’s how I am addressed in the system.  They don’t use my first or last name in addressing me. 

 

Additional classifications is putting more psychological distance between the individuals perpetrating the act and those on the receiving end.  In our case, it’s the extreme punishment such as 14 years in prison for misfiling a statement of finance.  It continues with breaking down the moral and ethics boundaries of the individual.   This can be found in the Statement of Finance documentation required by Maintenance Enforcement, this document calls for the following:

·        Name, current address, Social Insurance Number, Health Care number and Driver’s License.

·        Present Employer information – gross and net salary

·        Annual bonus’s, commission, any raises you might receive, part-time employment, income producing hobbies, other income from rental properties, annuities, and pensions.

·        List of additional income such as are you collecting rent from a roommate.

·        Income from self-employment.

·        Do you have a business?  What is the salary?  Bonuses?  Dividends?  Other income such as automobile allowances and expenses you submit.

·        Any other monies received from the business such as company car, house, loans, savings plans, and share purchase options.

·        Copies the business financial statements.

·        Number of shares in the business and are you an officer of the corporation?

·        Total amount of loans you have made to the corporation.

·        Your monthly expenses including rent or mortgage payments, property taxes, utilities, groceries, clothing, transportation, personal expenses, home or rental insurance, vehicle insurance, life insurance, disability insurance, maintenance, alcohol, tobacco or other dependencies.

·        Complete list of your monthly payments to creditors.

·        List of dependants.

·        List of agreements requiring you to pay child or spousal maintenance.

·        List of all chequing and savings accounts, term deposits and annuities.

·        List of all retirement savings plans including RRSP, LIRA, LIF, and LRIF’s.

·        List of all real estates.

·        List of motor vehicles including type, make, model, year, serial no of the vehicle, purchase price you paid, balance owing, current market value and equity.

·        List of securities, including your shares, bonds and their current market value including any dividends paid out.

·        List of all location of all certificates for all corporate holdings both public and private and names and addresses of the brokers you deal with.

·        Insurance policies including the name of the insurance company, policy number, amount, person insured, premium and the cash surrender value.

·        Trusts – including the description of the assets held, location and the names and addresses of the trustee’s.

·        Parties who owe you money including their name, address, reason for debt, and amounts owning.

·        Are you a plaintiff in any lawsuit that may result in the court awarding you money?  Name of the person being sued, amount claimed, your lawyer’s name, address, phone number and status of the court action.

·        Have you settled a lawsuit for a sum of money that has not yet been paid?  Your lawyer’s name, amount owing, payment date, lawyer’s address, lawyer’s phone number and status of the court action.

·        Have you applied for any benefit, refund, compensation, grant, settlement or other funds form any government or program? 

·        Do you have any inheritances?

·        Other assets such as interests in other businesses, promissory notes, judgment debts, loans and mortgages receivable, objects of art, jewellery, bullion, coins, cameras, household furnishings and appliances (stereos, TVs, computers, crystal, dishwashers, and other asses no previously listed.

·        Have you given away, sold or assigned or otherwise transferred any property?

 

You have become a number and a series of assets that the government can claim at any time.  Where is our humanity?  The only thing I see missing on this list is your gold filings or perhaps how much they could get for that pacemaker in your chest or the clothes on your back. 

 

The process of filling out MEP’s forms is very dehumanizing and demoralizing, it might be better to jump off a building.

 

Further steps in the dehumanizaing process include:

 

“However, for individuals viewed as outside the scope of morality and justice, “the concepts of deserving basic needs and fair treatment do not apply and can seem irrelevant.”  Any harm that befalls such individuals seems warranted, and perhaps even morally justified. Those excluded from the scope of morality are typically perceived as psychologically distant, expendable, and deserving of treatment that would not be acceptable for those included in one’s moral community. Common criteria for exclusion include ideology, skin color, and cognitive capacity. We typically dehumanize those whom we perceive as a threat to our well-being or values”

 

It seems in the process of dehumanizing divorced fathers, whatever happens to them is because they were bad people, didn’t pay for their children, cheated in their wives and the like.  When one of us “deadbeat dads” commits suicide he was mentally imbalanced – nobody bothers to look at the process that drove the individual to that point.

 

“Psychologically, it is necessary to categorize one’s enemy as sub-human in order to legitimize increased violence or justify the violation of basic human rights. Moral exclusion reduces restraints against harming or exploiting certain groups of people. In severe cases, dehumanization makes the violation of generally accepted norms of behavior regarding one’s fellow man seem reasonable, or even necessary. “

 

Basic human rights such as food, shelter and clothing are denied when paying MEP.   You must pay the support and whatever is left you get to live off of.  What happens is the actions taken against a divorced father through our legal system have become the accepted norms for behavior however if the same individuals (i.e. such as judges, politicians, lawyers and other officials) faced the same punitive actions – how would they react?  You, as a divoriced father, have been re-classified out of normal society.  You are no longer a normal citizen; the only thing missing is getting you to sow a label on your jacket branding you a deadbeat dad.

 

“Deindividuation facilitates dehumanization as well. This is the psychological process whereby a person is seen as a member of a category or group rather than as an individual. Because people who are deindividuated seem less than fully human, they are viewed as less protected by social norms against aggression than those who are individuated. It then becomes easier to rationalize contentious moves or severe actions taken against one’s opponents.”

 

How quickly is a divorced father viewed as a “deadbeat dad” when you have an argument against the system?  When you say the payout for support in unfair?  What has happened is the normal social conventions that would have stopped such things as your bank accounts froze or your drivers license suspended is gone – it is a perfectly rational move by society to suspend your rights and freedoms.

 

“Once certain groups are stigmatized as evil, morally inferior, and not fully human, the persecution of those groups becomes more psychologically acceptable. Restraints against aggression and violence begin to disappear.”

 

Tell me when someone speaks of a deadbeat dad they are saying this person might be or are evil.  It becomes perfectly acceptable or more psychologically acceptable to use more extreme means on these deadbeat dads.  Let’s show them all they can’t fuck with us.

 

In the end, deadbeat dads or divorced fathers are seen as second class in society.   It is easier to brand us all the same way and to treat us as such.  There is one system and one treatment and one punishment for all divorced dads.  Your freedoms are taken away.

 

Into Extinction Day 100 (it really bites you on the ass)

  I was calculating how much I would continue to have pay and I stopped when the total exceeded $100,000.00.  It’s depressing.  It’s depressing to know for the following years I can never be sick or take a day off because this means those soulless bastards from Maintenance Enforcement will jump all over you.  They don’t really call you they just start taking things away and it’s not gradual.  They file with the Federal and Provincial wage garnishes.  They file with Motor Vehicles to suspend your ability to renew your vehicle registration.  They suspend your drivers license and then garnish your wages within your company.  They can and will take up to 70% of your income, including the second job at MacDonald’s.    They threaten that if a single item is out of place on your submitted financial statements they can toss you away for 14 years.  This is enormous power and heavy is the hand of those bastards. 

 

I have watched and read how Maintenance Enforcement will take from any student loans you get.  They will take from pensions.  They will take from welfare or any other means you have.  If you have a heart attack or stroke, living from hand to mouth, they won’t even leave you enough for bus fare.

 

The world doesn’t owe me a living.  This is a fairly common saying with no specific individual claiming the quote.  I owe the world a living is my conclusion.  It’s hard not to think day after day what has happened to me.  My only consolation is that I am not the only one this has happened to.  I suppose if my ex were to read this and knew it was me, she would take some joy at what has happened to me.  My penalty for suggesting a divorce that isn’t allowed by the Catholic faith.   Despite the significant punishments levied by her, the courts and the government, I would still do it again.  I would rather die a man free of her than one imprisoned by her. 

 

I was wondering today as I trudged my way into work will I still give to the man at the side of the street handout.  The old man, that sits beside the rails (C-Train) begging for money.  He wears a dirty cap, long grey dirty beard, scruffy blackened coat, shoes 2 sizes too big for him and every inch of him is covered in dirt.  Some days I envy him.  He is invisible.  Of course, your comment could be, shut the fuck up and pay and you would be right, as long as I chose to live in Canada, these are the rules imposed that I must abide by.  But if I am homeless and have nothing then there is nothing to take.  You can’t find me I slip under the radar and who really gives a damn about the homeless anyways.  It takes significant time, talent and energy to keep this going.  To continue to make enough money to keep myself afloat and when I look at the years left for paying.  Some days, I think it would be easier to give it up.  After all, if they take everything, what is left to hold on to?  I have to admit there is a part of me, that would like to see what my ex would do if there was nothing left.

 

But why would you go on?  My GF (who is reading this now) would say it can’t last forever.  The pace is significant and demanding with no rest.  I was somewhat idealistic about Canada and our laws.  Maybe even a little naive.  Now I understand other people’s frustration with the courts, lawyers and the government.  There really is a sense of entitlement there, that the government and the courts have the best interests of everyone and you should obey.  We were all brought up with a sense of freedom.  Get a job, buy a house and live your life and you would be left alone.  This has changed forever for me.  I no longer put any trust in our legal system, the banks or lawyers (okay, the lawyers I should have known about in the first place).  I have learned to bring the full measure of my abilities to anything dealing with the province – don’t play nice – it really bites you on the ass in the end. 

 

Into Extinction – Day 99 (Leaving and finding someone else)

Looking for a new relationship – now that the old one has blown up and taken little bits of you with it, its time to look for a new one, unless of course you happy being alone with a TV, a couple of plants and a pillow to caress at night.  Not that there is anything wrong with that however a loving a pillow over a longer period of time may require therapy and I wouldn’t bring the pillow along for the sessions.

 

The whole point of leaving the previous relationships is the following:

1.     You were unhappy.

2.     You found her cheating skanky ass in bed with someone else and that pretty much did it.

3.     You found someone else.

4.     You didn’t like to be smacked around every day.

5.     You didn’t like to be told you are worthless and lower than dog crap on a sunny day in the middle of a park.

6.     He/she stopped loving you.

7.     You stopped loving them.

8.     You moved on with your life and they were stuck where their were in Grade 10 Chemistry.

9.     He/she moved on and all you smell is fumes from the bus that took them there.

 

So you were unhappy.  If this is the length and depth you thought about it, you might be from the shallow end of the gene pool.  Why were you unhappy?  Does she nag you until you want to put a plastic bag over her head?  Is her strongest ambition is to see the DNA results on Jerry Springer cause she knows that cheating bastard is not the father?  Did she drink all your beer every day and you find her in a pool of her own vomit at the end of the day?  If you don’t know exactly and precisely why you unhappy you are just going to transfer this unhappiness onto the next bewildered victim.  Knowing why you unhappy is important because you can avoid this in your next relationship.

 

You found her cheating skanky ass in bed with someone else.  Doesn’t matter if it’s another female and you want pictures.  Of course, you can get around to forgiving her and continuing along with the relationship.  My personal opinion is this won’t work.  There is the little matter of trust.  It’s very hard and extraordinarily difficult to rebuild that kind of trust.   I know, I know you love her, but it will take years to re-build this and a lot of energy.   My advice – walk away… 

 

Okay, you found someone else.  You are a bad, bad person.  There my only judgment call.  If you found someone else think about it.  Was it really exciting to sneak around?  Was it thrilling to get to know somebody else?  Was it fantastic to keep the wife in the dark?  I am not making a judgment call here – not my business, however you might be depressed.  No, I am not making excuses for you to jump in bed with that stripper because you liked the way she handed that pole in the bar but you might be depressed.  A sign of depression is when someone looks for excitement in their world, somebody new to make them feel alive again.  Again, I am not condoning your behavior but you might want to seek professional help and you might want to bow out gracefully out the marriage.  I am also suggesting you don’t tell her you have had sex with someone else.  That is irreparable damage to her.  I am not thinking about your feelings at all on this one. 

 

You don’t like to be smacked around every day – well who does?  Smacking or any form of physical abuse is not okay.  If he or she blocks the doors from you leaving that’s just as bad because they are forcing a confrontation.  If you stay for the smackings because of kids and you have nowhere to go, in my opinion its just as much damage.  I know, its easy for me to say pick up and move on, but you have to.

 

You didn’t like to be told you are worthless and lower than dog crap on a sunny day in the middle of a park.  Ah, verbal abuse – very difficult to provide and leaves just as many scars as the physical abuse – see my posting on day 94 for details.

 

They stopped loving you.  You just become a stop in the middle of life once a day.  No real emotional connection.  Well, couples therapy might work but if you don’t understand why this happened you might never.  Remember it’s not entirely their fault, you own 50/50 on this one.  You could ask them why they stopped but I bet no real answer if forthcoming and why not?   Because if they really respected you and the relationship they would have already fessed up.

 

You stopped loving them.  At first, when they were clipping their toenails in bed that was cute now its disgusting.  At first, her going out 3 times a week with her friends including guy-friends didn’t bother you – you believed in the relationship, now there is nothing left.  At first, him farting under the blankets was something you could put up with, now you want to smother him with the pillow.  At first, her asking you every day if her breasts were okay was cute, now you are just annoyed, is not a good sign.  When, where and why you stopped loving them is important.  It says a lot about what you do and don’t want in a relationship and if you don’t understand this you will repeat this again and again.

 

You moved on with your life and they were stuck where their were in Grade 10 Chemistry.  Okay in the dating side, it was kinda cute when they wore their high school jacket everywhere.  Now he’s 40 pounds over and that hairy belly sticking out is just ridiculous.  Some people stop in life and that’s as far as they go or want to go.  You have to decide if this is enough or its time to burn the jacket and move on.

 

He/she moved on and all you smell is fumes from the bus that took them there.  She goes to book readings once a week and you would rather slit your wrists.  He moves from hockey to football and back to hockey every year and you want to slit his wrists.  By the way, there is nothing wrong with someone having a hobby or interest that doesn’t include you.  It is a problem when this is all that they are and you want to be beaten senseless whenever they bring it up.  This isn’t good. 

 

My point is, if you ready to leave the relationship, know why within yourself.  If you don’t you will repeat it.  Don’t leave the relationship for someone else, this might work out or you could find out that he sleeps with 2 great Danes and you and he loves the dogs more than you.  Leave and take a year for yourself.  I have said this before, you need a year before you crash someone else’s party and live alone.  Yes all alone, and if this scares you, why does it scare you?

 

Into Extinction – Day 98 (Fathers with no or little contact with the children – why?)

Why do some or the majority of fathers have little to no contact with their children?  Why is this a mystery to the ex-wives?  I am going to be blunt here; if the ex-wives understood the men in the first place they would understand why the men didn’t pursue relationships with the children.   Of course, I am painting all ex-wives with the same brush but I have heard of and read great stories where both parents create a fantastic environment for the children.  I applaud them.  This is a very mature decision but a very rare decision – I hear most often that the father is not exercising their right to see the children.

 

My case like everyone else’s is unique to my situation.  As I have stated in previous postings, mine included abuse.  My therapist recommended I never see her again (and yes my therapist knew I have children).  My therapist thought the damage was significant enough, I needed to move on but enough about me, lets discuss why men don’t see their children, as follows:

 

1.     They (men) don’t give a damn.  Men don’t have the direct emotional connection that women have with children.  This seems to mystify most women – they can’t seem to grasp this concept.  Men at the point of divorce see this as moment to move on and shake the dust of the old relationship off.  Yes, I know there are children at stake here however re-read my first point at the beginning of the paragraph.   Here is a more important question behind the first – why don’t men give a damn?  They helped bring these children into the world.  Probably because seeing the children is a reminder of the ex-wife and the failure behind that.  I am betting most women may not understand this at all.

 

2.     You (the ex-wife) rip him a new one in court.  You win and pummel him into the ground.  This is very easy to accomplish these days.  You take out your vengeance and get the majority of his income.  Something very satisfying about this isn’t there?  However, for the man, it is one of the most crushing blows you could ever do.  If you wanted to kill him, this is as close as you will ever come.  Think about this, you win, but your children will lose.  I hear you saying already, it’s the only way I can his money.  There might be a better balance here, let things calm down and negotiate.  If you decide to gut him anyways (on the advice of your lawyer of course), the children may never see him again or rarely.  Yes I know this doesn’t make any sense to you. 

 

 

3.     It’s just too painful.  Maybe he feels abused.  I know you didn’t abuse him.  But that may be the case.  You might think he is making it up but in my case as it continued into years, there might be something there.  Maybe you should think about therapy.

 

In the end, some men view the divorce as the divorcing of everything including the children.  I didn’t say this would make sense.  And if you the ex-wife choose to make this a more difficult, it makes it that much easier to cut ties with everything.

 

For instance, I would give my children presents on their birthday (I still do) and my ex-wife would send me past birthday or Christmas cards I sent to her.  This is a mystery to me (maybe someone can explain it to me).  All these cards every did, is remind me how she used these cards in court to nail me against the wall.  Not a pleasant memory.  So my conclusion on her sending the cards, is she doesn’t have a damn clue what really happened.  Pity I suppose but I am not about to explain it to her, she is not good at empathizing with someone else. 

 

Into Extinction – Day 97 (I can change him/her)

I can change them…  Enough love and understanding will change him or her.  If I try hard enough.  I have seen enough to know it might, may, possibly, or perhaps could happen but at what cost?

 

 

 

Ah, I can hear you now – “I am not abused”.  It’s quite poss